


Strangers Like Me

by Flyvarna



Category: Digimon - All Media Types, Digimon Frontier
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2018-12-09 19:15:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 49,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11675367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flyvarna/pseuds/Flyvarna
Summary: AU "Why hadn't Dad told me I had a brother?"





	1. Chapter 1

Strangers Like Me

  
_I don't own Digimon, or any other franchise that may be mentioned here. Enjoy!_

  
"Kouji?"

  
I stiffened at the sound of my stepmother's voice. What did she want _now_?

  
"Could you go up to the attic and get the folding table for me?" Satomi was, as always, completely oblivious to my discomfort around her. "I'd get it myself, but there's so much dust up there. It set off my allergies. Your father really needs to dust up there more often."

  
I was tempted to tell her to get it herself, or just completely ignore her like I usually did, but my father had been on my back lately about listening to her. Instead I sighed and left the kitchen where I had been trying to find something to eat. I didn't go to the attic often; there wasn't anything I found interesting there. Mostly old furniture and some of Satomi's stuff from before she married Dad. Nowadays Dad was the only one who regularly went there to dust before it got too much for Satomi's allergies.

  
I walked up the stairs and flipped on the light switch. Satomi's small folding table, something she only used when she had too many papers on her workroom desk, was wedged between two boxes of clothes. The table was stuck between the boxes, forcing me to pull hard enough that when the table came free with an unexpected jerk, I staggered back into a nearby bookshelf. Several books tumbled past me as the bookshelf shook. Then something bigger came down from the top shelf and bounced off my shoulder on the way to the ground, causing me to yelp. I looked down to see a medium-sized cardboard box. The fall had knocked off the box's lid off, causing the contents to spill out on the ground.

  
Sighing in annoyance, I put the table down to pick up the mess. There was a pile of what looked like old letters underneath them a lot of old pictures...

  
I froze.

  
Why did my father have two babies in that picture?

  
My eyes fell to another picture which had also landed face-up. My mother, my _real_ mother, not Satomi. She had died in a car accident when I was two. In the picture, she was seated on the ground, with a dark-haired blue-eyed little boy in each arm. I didn't have to look in the mirror to know that one of the boys was me, but the other...

  
This wasn't possible. This had to be some kind of sick joke.

  
Why was my name "Kouji," then? Why did my name translate to "second light?" The only time I had asked my father about it, he had told me I was named for a grandfather on my mother's side. But, if I had a brother, a _twin_ brother...

  
My hands shook as I reached for another picture, then another. Every one had the same two children. With Mom and Dad at a zoo as toddlers. As younger babies in a playpen. Now toddlers again and playing on a playground. There was no way...why hadn't Dad told me I had a brother? Had he been lost in the same accident that had killed Mom? At least my father hadn't tried to replace my...my _brother_ in the same way he'd tried replacing Mom with Satomi. Or had he? Was that why he had gotten me my German Shepard, Raiko?

  
I put the pictures back into the box, then moved on to the letters. Some of them were still in the envelope unopened for some strange reason. I wondered about that for a moment, then turned to the ones which were already out. The first letter on the pile was dated about three years ago. I recognized the handwriting as one of my father's older friends. What was it doing in that box then? Most likely Kyo had mentioned my brother. I skimmed through the first few paragraphs where Kyo was talking about his family, then...

  
_"...I ran into Tomoko and Kouichi last week..."_

  
Tomoko was my mother's name. I guessed Kouichi was the name of my brother. But, this was only from three years ago. Shouldn't she be dead by that point? What was going on?

  
_"They're both doing fine. Tomoko has a new job and Kouichi is almost finished with second grade..."_

  
_Second_ grade?

  
But my mother had died when I was only two. There was no way...

  
No, that was wrong. I found myself gripping the letter harder than I had intended to as the truth became clear. There was one way for that to be possible. If my mother hadn't died at all, and my father had lied to me. He had been lying to me for all these years...

  
"Kouji?" Satomi's voice came from downstairs. "Are you all right up there?"

  
Satomi. I felt sheer rage blinding me. Of course _she_ had to be in on all this, she was the one who was replacing my mother wasn't she? If Dad wanted to keep secrets so badly, I'd keep them. Neither he nor Satomi would know about what I had just found. But if Mom was still alive, then maybe one of those letters held her address. Or at least a clue to it.

  
"I'm fine." I tried to keep the turbulent emotions swirling around my head out of my voice. "I just found some old letters. I'll be down in a minute."

  
I put the lid on the box, leaving the stack of letters out so that I could bring them to my room and read them there. Then I climbed up the bookshelf to place the box back at the top. I picked up Satomi's table in one arm and the letters in the other. I took a deep breath as I got ready to head down the stairs, schooling my face into an emotionless mask. Satomi wouldn't find out that I knew, it was just another trip to the attic.

  
Satomi was waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs.

  
"Thanks, Kouji."

  
She took her table from me, then headed off to her workroom. I watched her go until she turned the corner, then turned and headed to my room closing the door behind me. I threw the letters down onto my bed, then turned to look at my dresser. There was a picture frame, one of those types which swung on hinges to display one of two pictures. The side that faced me was the one with the three of us. I scowled down at Dad and Satomi's happy faces. How could they smile, knowing that they were lying to me? I flipped the frame over to look at the old picture of Mom that Dad had given me when I was younger.

  
What had happened to my mother, to make her leave? Most likely a divorce. If that happened, then having Kouichi go with her made sense. It also meant that she would probably have gone back to whatever her family name was before she met Dad, so I would have to find that out. I sat down on my bed and picked up the first letter on the pile.  
A half-hour later I put the last letter down with a sigh. The letters had said some useful things, like confirming my guess that my mother had left because of a divorce. Unfortunately, every mention of my mother was vague at best, and didn't answer any of my questions. Why had my parents divorced? Where was Mom living now? What was her family name? Did Kouichi know anything about me?

  
Most of the relevant parts of the letters talked about Kouichi. From what I read he was quiet, shy, and spent a lot of time buried in one book or another. I pulled my bandanna off my head and sank back onto my bed. How could Dad tell me Mom was dead? I knew that divorces were supposed to be especially hard for families, and that Japanese divorces were closer to complete severances than some countries, but that wasn't an excuse.

  
My eyes fell on the last stack of unopened letters which I had brought down with the rest of the stack. It was extremely rude to open another person's letters, but so was telling me my mother was dead. Besides, going by how the ink on some of the envelopes had faded slightly Dad had kept them for years without opening them. The name on the return address was Aoi Kimura, not a familiar name. Then again, not all the names on the letters had been familiar to me. I guessed that they were people who knew Mom and Dad before the divorce.

  
The envelope on top of the pile didn't have any letter, just pictures of a young boy. I guessed his age to be around six or seven years old. _Kouichi_...

  
I flipped the picture over to see writing on the back marking the date it was taken. Sure enough, it was not long after I turned seven. The next picture had the same boy, this time with a slightly older version of my mother. I felt my heart skip a beat as I saw her. It was one thing to hear that she was alive, but to actually see it, even if it was only in a picture...

  
The rest of the pictures in the stack were pretty much the same. Kouichi. Sometimes with Mom, sometimes with other kids. Less often with an older woman. I grabbed the next envelope on the stack. The envelopes must have gotten out of order, because those pictures had Kouichi as a four year old. Other than that, it was the same thing. The rest of the envelopes had the same, too. Now he was eight. Then nine, then three. The final ones, chronologically speaking (But the sixth in the stack) were taken about a year ago and showed Kouichi as a ten year old. I pressed my fingers against one of the pictures from that year that showed my mother as well. Her face was more careworn than it was in the older pictures, but her smile was as bright as Kouichi's as they both held up an award of some kind. Kouichi's smile was definitely shyer, like he didn't believe he deserved all this fuss.

  
I laid back down and contemplated my next move. None of the letters had mentioned a family name or address or even a phone number to contact them by. That left looking up the people who had sent the letters and getting the address out of them. The person who seemed to know them best was the person who had sent all the pictures, Aoi Kimura. I guessed she was a relative of some kind. An aunt, or perhaps my grandmother. I looked down at the envelopes that had held the pictures. The return address never seemed to change, so it was most likely that she still lived there.

  
I got up off the bed and went to my desk to find a pen.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

As much as I wanted to track down Aoi Kimura and ask her about my mother, in the end I had to find out where the address on the envelope was. It didn't come with directions to get there. By the time I found a set of directions, it was nearly sunset. Fortunately, that day was on a half day, so school was already out for the day. None of my martial arts classes took place that day, either.

The train ride to the address on the envelope lasted about twenty minutes, giving me plenty of time to think about all the questions I wanted to ask. Where did my mother live? What was she like? Why had my parents split up? Had Mom ever married again? Not likely. I hadn't seen any men in the pictures Aoi had sent. Did my brother know anything about me? Possibly, although the fact that he hadn't shown up in my life meant that either he was forbidden to see me, or that he, like me, had been lied to and still thought he was an only child.

Aoi Kimura lived in a a modest apartment building in a quiet neighborhood, roughly twenty minutes away from my place by train. I walked up to the apartment door trying to keep the butterflies in my stomach to a minimum. What was I so nervous about? No, _nervous_ wasn't quite the right word for it. _Excited_ would be more like it. I was finally going to get some answers. _If_ Aoi still lived there. _If_ she was willing to talk to me...

I shook my head. Those thoughts were getting me nowhere. There was only one way to answer my questions. I lifted my hand and knocked on the door. The next few seconds felt like eternities as I tried to convince myself to wait. Whoever was there had to walk to the door, right? Maybe there was nobody home. Maybe Aoi was off at work, or out visiting friends, or...

The door opened.

I was expecting an older person. Someone who was close enough to my family to take pictures of my brother every year.

I wasn't actually expecting the person who opened the door to actually _be_ my brother.

My first thought was that pictures of Kouichi paled in comparison to the real thing. They didn't show little details such as the way his eyes widened in shock, then flitted nervously around to everything _except_ me, as if he had just realized he was staring. The way his breathing suddenly quickened. How his hand gripped the door harder, as if to reassure himself that he wasn't dreaming.

A million thoughts raced through my head. What was Kouichi doing here? Did he and his mother live with Aoi, or was he just visiting? What did he know about me? Did he know anything? Or was he like I had been until yesterday?

I don't know how long he and I stood there staring at each other, before I finally found my voice.

"I...I'm looking for Aoi Kimura." There, that was a safe enough place to start. The blue eyes widened, and he gasped softly before turning his head away. I saw something in his eyes: sadness, maybe grief. Had something happened to her?

"Does she still live here?"

He nodded, then reluctantly pulled the door open the rest of the way, a clear invitation for me to come in. The apartment was homey, if sparsely furnished. A table in the dining space, which wasn't too far from the kitchen. Beyond that in the living room I saw a beaten-up looking couch with a side table. The walls were covered in framed pictures with the occasional bookshelf rounding everything off. I took my shoes off next to the door, noticing that there was only one other pair of shoes there and that they were my size. Kouichi was alone, then.

"Who are you?"

I turned to see Kouichi staring at me intently.

"Why do you look like me? How do you know Grandma?"

"She's your grandmother?" I couldn't keep the excitement out of my voice. "Do you live with her? Where is she? Where's your mother?"

Kouichi froze before pulling himself together. "Y-you haven't answered my question. _Who are you?"_

I took a deep breath. Kouichi clearly had no idea who I was. This was going to be awkward.

"You'd...better sit down, it's...complicated."

He blinked, then moved over to the table in the dining space. He pulled out a chair for me, then sat down in another one. Once we were both seated, I began.

"My name's Kouji Minamoto. I was looking through the attic this morning when I found a box of old pictures and letters my father kept." I pulled out the one picture I had brought with me, the one with the two of us and our parents at a zoo. "I found this in a box with a lot of other pictures like it."

Kouichi looked down at the picture and his face paled, eyes widening in shock as he realized the implications.

"You..." His eyes closed and he took a deep breath to steady himself. "But, why? Why didn't Mom or Grandma tell me I have a brother?"

"I don't know. Dad didn't tell me, either."

He looked at me, then down at the picture again.

"I...I knew Mom and Dad were divorced. When I asked Mom about it, she looked so sad that I never asked her again. I asked Grandma about it, but she said that I should ask Mom instead of her."

"Dad told me that Mom died in a car accident when I was two."

"He _what?"_ Kouichi's eyes shot back up to me. "But, that's-" He cut off abruptly.

"I know. I haven't told Dad that I know yet. If I did, he'd probably try to keep me from meeting you and Mom."

He looked like he wanted to object to that for some reason, but instead went back to looking at the picture.

"Where is Mom? Do you two live here with your grandmother?"

"Mom's at work. Grandma..." He trailed off, and I saw his eyes show that sadness again. His hand subtly clenched into a fist. Not a good sign.

"Is she still alive?" I winced as soon as the words came out of my mouth. If _that_ didn't sound awkward, I would eat my shoes.

"Yeah, she's at the hospital, recovering from pneumonia."

"Oh." What else could I say? Silence loomed over us for a minute. Kouichi's eyes seemed to be glued to the picture on the table, and he seemed to be withdrawing into himself, for lack of a better phrase.

"So, you three live here together?" I asked, more to break the oppressive silence than anything else. Kouichi nodded.

"When does your mother get out of work?"

Kouichi's eyes flicked to a nearby clock on the wall. "Just now. She'll be home soon."

"What does she do?"

"She works at a doctor's office. She's a secretary."

Something about Kouichi's voice sounded a little strange, like this wasn't something he really wanted to talk about. Before I could ask him about it, he got to his feet.

"Would you like something to drink? We have tea, orange juice, milk..."

"I'll just take some juice, thanks."

Kouichi nodded, then went to a nearby cupboard and pulled out two glasses. As he poured the orange juice, I looked back down at the picture, wishing I'd brought more than one.

"Your grandmother sent Dad a bunch of pictures of you growing up. I guess she wanted him to know how you were doing. That's how I got this address. I would have brought more of them if I'd known you lived here, too." I took the glass of juice Kouichi offered me as he sat down again. I didn't mention that Dad hadn't even looked at those pictures. I didn't think it would be a good idea, considering.

"She sent pictures? I remember her taking some of me reading last year, I'd wondered why she was doing it. Grandma said it was for a project she was working on." A small hint of a shy smile crept onto Kouichi's face. "I thought it was weird that she'd want pictures of me reading like that, but it didn't bother me."

"Maybe she took it because it was something you like to do?" I shrugged. "Dad had letters from some old friends that knew you and Mom, and they said you read a lot."

"Maybe." Kouichi drank down some juice, and I joined him. For a moment, we were both silent again.

"What's Mom like?"

Kouichi put his glass down, and I saw he had that sad look in his eyes again.

"She...she's _strong._ It's not easy, Mom does everything she can to make sure Grandma and I are happy."

"She must really love you." Would Mom love _me_ like that?

"I know she does." His eyes darkened a bit more, then he changed the subject. "What about you?"

I blinked. "Me?"

"Well, if what you're saying is true, then you're my brother too. I'd like to know more about you."

I paused a bit before answering.

"I live with Dad and my stepmother, Satomi. Dad works at a law firm, Satomi works from home as a computer programmer."

"Really?" Kouichi's eyes stayed glued to the table. "It must be nice having two parents." There was something in his voice. Anger? Jealousy, perhaps? While I didn't consider Satomi a parent, I sympathized with Kouichi. If he was alone like this every day...

"I've also got a dog, a German Shepard. Her name's Raiko."

"That's nice."

It wasn't just me, Kouichi _definitely_ sounded like he didn't want to hear it. Was he jealous? Could I blame him if he was? He lived in a small apartment with a mother who worked all day, and a grandmother who was in the hospital. I lived in a two-story house with two parents-if you could call Satomi a parent-and a dog.

"Kouichi, we don't have to talk about my family if it's making you uncomfortable."

"N-no, I'm not uncomfortable. You can keep going." He didn't once look up while he said that.

"You don't _sound_ comfortable." Why had Kouichi brought up the subject in the first place? Was it something to do with the previous subject, his mother? Why would he not want to talk about his mother?

"I told you, I'm _fine!_ " Kouichi snapped with an unexpected vehemence, his eyes now flashing dangerously with anger, as well as something else. Was it sadness?

"Okay, I get it." There was definitely something going on. Possibly something more than mere jealousy. I decided to steer the subject to something safer. "What kind of books do you like to read?"

"Whatever I can get my hands on..." Kouichi's shoulders were starting to relax, and while his eyes were still on the table they no longer had the same combination of sadness and anger. "I like fantasy books the most, but I'll read anything, even Mom's romance novels. They gave me an award for it at school last year."

"I think that was in one of the pictures your grandmother sent."

He looked up, shyly. "Really?"

"Yeah. I wish I'd brought it with me."

"We have a copy here, too." Kouichi slipped out of his chair and over to a nearby bookshelf. A second later, he came back with a photo album.

"Here..." He opened the book and flipped to a page with the same picture I had seen back at home. "It was the end of the school year, and they were celebrating all the things kids had done. I was the one who had read the most books that year."

"In your class?"

Kouichi's eyes flicked back to the table, but a soft smile grew on his face. "In the whole school."

I stared at him. "I knew you were into books, but that's amazing!"

Kouichi blushed. "It's nothing, just something I do..."

Whatever he would have said after that was cut off by the sound of a key turning in the lock on the door. Kouichi's eyes widened, and I saw the sadness in them again as the door opened.

She was thinner than the pictures I had seen, and a bit paler. Her face was careworn and drawn with exhaustion. Yet, she was still the same mother I had thought was dead for so long.

_"...Mom..."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cleaned this one up a little, when I first wrote this I couldn't decide if Kouji brings the pictures he found with him or not, and the inconsistency shows.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

  
My mother was clearly exhausted.  Her pale, her shoulders slumped and her eyes had bags under them, like she hadn't slept well lately.  I suspected that the lack of sleep came from her mother being in the hospital.  She leaned heavily against the door frame as she took her shoes off, then her eyes rose to where I was sitting and widened, the remaining color draining from her face.

" _Kouji_..."

She staggered and had to grab the door frame to keep from falling altogether.  Instantly Kouichi was out of his chair and at her side, supporting her.  I found myself looking down at the table as a confusing jumble of emotions ran through my head.  What was wrong with me? I had just found my mother, I should have been happy.  Yet, what did I know about her? Nothing.  She was just a stranger.  _Kouichi's_ mother, not mine...

"Kouji!!"  My mother had tears in her eyes as she pulled out of Kouichi's grasp and before I could react ran across the room and flung her arms around me.  I stiffened and reflexively pulled away.  I wasn't used to being touched by other people, especially strangers.  No, wait.  This wasn't a stranger, this was my _mother_.  This was a person, I told myself.  Not just a picture, not just a ghost.  Someone who was now looking at me with hurt and confusion on her face.

"S-sorry.  I'm not much of a hugger...Mom."  Was it just me, or was it suddenly hot?

  
The hurt faded from her face to be replaced by a warm smile.

"That's okay, neither was your father."  Mom settled into the chair Kouichi offered her with a palpable sigh of relief.

"I didn't think I'd ever see you again, not after I heard your father was telling people I was dead."  Mom looked down at the photo album Kouichi had left on the table.  "How did you find us?  Did my mother call you?  She never liked the fact that we split you two up.  She always said that twins should be together."

"I came across a box of old baby pictures and letters Dad had left in the attic.  That's how I found out that you were still alive, and about Kouichi.  Gr..." I could barely get the word out.  "Grandma sent pictures of Kouichi growing up, and I followed the return address here."

"That sounds like something she would do."  Mom paused to wipe her eyes.  "I wanted you two to see each other, but I was just too hurt and angry at Kousei to even think about talking to him."

"It wasn't your fault, Mom."  Kouichi spoke up for the first time since Mom had come home.

"Not entirely, but I should have told you that you had a brother, at least."  Mom wrapped an arm around his shoulders.  Kouichi turned his head so that Mom couldn't see it, and I saw that sadness back in his eyes again.

"It wasn't your fault," he repeated.  "Would you like some juice?"

"Kouichi, you don't have to..."

"Well, you're going to be talking to Kouji, right?  Besides, you need to eat after working so hard.  I'll make you some rice."

"It's just work," Mom protested.  "It doesn't have to be hard..."

Kouichi pulled himself out from under her arm and headed to the refrigerator before she could say anything else.  I looked from his retreating back to her pale face.  Something was definitely going on there, and it had something to do with Mom's job.  She was clearly exhausted.  Was she working too much?  With a growing son and hospital bills to pay for her mother-My grandmother, I reminded myself-It was entirely too likely that Mom was overworked and as a result wearing herself out.  Was that why Kouichi didn't want to talk about her job?  It would also explain why he seemed so sad when he was talking about Mom earlier, and why he'd been so quick to change the subject.

"So Kouji, how's your father doing?"  Mom asked.

The last time I'd seen my father was last night, before all this had started.  How was I going to face my father knowing he'd lied to me about my mother being dead?

"I heard he got married again," Mom continued.  "What's your stepmother like?"

I felt my shoulders stiffen.  Why was she bringing Satomi into this?  Satomi wasn't even _family_.  Even though I had known her far longer than my mother or brother.  I cursed my father for telling me my mother was dead.  If I had known she was alive, I wouldn't have had to endure three years of being forced to call Satomi "Mom."

I looked down at my cup.  "She's nice enough, I guess."

"Do you like her?"  Kouichi asked suddenly.

I glared at him.  "What do you mean by _that?_ "

"I..." His eyes sank to the drink he was pouring.  "It's nothing."

Why had he brought it up then?  I kept my gaze on Kouichi to see if he said anything else, but he kept quiet and finished pouring the drinks.

"You really don't have to make dinner for me," Mom said. "I can do it..."

"Mom, you're exhausted.  Let me take care of you for once."  Kouichi's smile somehow seemed forced this time.  "Besides, you've got some catching up to do with Kouji."

"If you insist."  Mom turned to me.  "You're welcome to stay for dinner.  Does your father know you're here?"

I flinched.  "N-Not really."

"Well, you should probably call him and make sure he knows.  He'll be worried if you stay out too late."

Actually, my father wouldn't be as worried as Satomi would.  Mom was right though, I had to call home and tell them I'd miss dinner.

"Just give me a minute," I said heading for the door.

"That's fine.  Dinner needs to cook before we can eat it, you know." I nodded, then opened the door and stepped outside.

Satomi was the one who answered at home.  The phone barely got through one ring before she picked it up, and I suspected she had been hovering over the phone waiting for me to call.

"Hey," I said. "I'm at a friend's place, so I'll miss dinner tonight."

"A friend?"  I could hear the concern in Satomi's voice.  "Anyone I know?

I mentally cursed my stepmother for her curiosity.

"No, someone I...met on the train yesterday."  That was plausible enough.  I had been out the day before.

"Oh."  There was an awkward pause.  "Is your new friend a boy or a girl?"

I resisted the temptation to hang up.  "What kind of question is _that?_ "

"Nothing, just curious."  I stifled a groan.  Satomi was so nosy sometimes.  "When are you coming home?"

"His mom invited me to dinner, and the train takes about twenty minutes.  I'll probably be home in about another hour."

"Okay, just remember to take Raiko out for a walk when you get home."

"Yeah, I got it."  I hung up the phone and turned to see Kouichi staring at me through the open door.  How long had he been listening?

"What do you want?"

"Nothing," he mumbled softly.  "It's nothing."

I snorted.  "So you just _happened_ to stick your head out the door the moment I stepped out to make a phone call."

Kouichi turned and started to go back inside, but I wasn't letting him go so easily.

"And then you're just going to pretend it's _'nothing'_ and sneak back inside like it didn't happen."

His shoulders tensed up, and he froze.

"If you have anything to say to me, _say_ it!  Don't just sneak around like you're some kind of stalker!"

Kouichi turned to face me, his eyes now flashing dangerously.

"Just leave me alone, Kouji."

"Then, leave _me_ alone!  I don't appreciate being spied on!"

Kouichi's eyes widened.  He turned and stormed off around the corner of the building, and was gone.

"Is something wrong?"  Mom asked as I came back in.  "It sounded like you and Kouichi were yelling at each other."

"I think we set each other off."  I sat down at the table again.  "He went around the building, I don't know where he was going."

"He has a place around the back of the building where he goes when he's had a bad day, so I think Kouichi probably just needs some time to cool down.  This is all a big shock to him, and I can't blame him for going there.  I'm surprised he lasted this long without going there."  Mom leaned back in her chair a little.

"I always meant to tell him.  Every day I told myself 'you're going to tell him this someday when he's old enough,' but, that 'someday' was always tomorrow, or next week, or his next birthday.  I never found the courage to actually _tell_ him.  Your grandmother always said I kept things inside too much."

"I heard she was in the hospital.  How's she doing?"

"She's doing all right.  The coughing is clearing up, and the doctor say that if there are no further complications she'll be out in a week or two."

"Which hospital is she in?  I'll have to go visit her."

"Jikei.  It's about a half-hour from here by train.  I haven't been able to visit her too often because I'm usually working during visitor hours, but Kouichi goes there every day."

"I'll go visit her first thing tomorrow."  Luckily today was a Friday, so I would have plenty of time to visit my grandmother.  Maybe I could even pick up some flowers for her.

"She'd like that.  I'll call her tonight and tell her you're coming to see her," Mom smiled.  "She'll be so happy to see you.  Oh, that reminds me..."

Mom got up and left the room for the bedroom.  I craned my neck to see her pull a chair from a nearby desk and step on it to reach the top shelf in the closet, coming down with a large box.

"These are all the pictures of you and Kouichi from when you two were babies," she said returning.  "I couldn't just throw them away, but I didn't want Kouichi to stumble across them.  So I put them up in the closet."

"Dad had his on top of a bookshelf in the attic," I said as she opened the box and pulled out a lot of baby pictures.  "Wow, were we really that small?"

"Twins are often born premature.  You two were three weeks early, which really freaked out your father.  Every time I felt something, he was ready to take me to the hospital!"

I snorted at the thought of my usually unflappable father panicking, then picked up another picture of me and Kouichi crawling on the floor with a large orange cat looking down at us from the table.

"You owned a cat?"

"Yeah, that's Momo.  He died not long before the divorce.  He didn't like you two too much, since you kept going for his fur."

"Dad has this picture at home."  I held up the one of the four of us at the zoo.

"He kept that?  I'm not surprised, it was a good picture."  Mom took it from me.  "You loved the elephants, but Kouichi liked the birds better.  Here..." She pulled out another picture of an older woman, I guessed her to be my grandmother, holding a dark-haired toddler in one arm and a macaw on the other.

"Is that me or Kouichi?"

"It's you.  I wouldn't have had it in the box if it was Kouichi.

"Oh, yeah."

The door opened and Kouichi came in.  He took one look at me and Mom, and for a moment his eyes blazed with anger.  Then they quickly darted down to the floor.

"Kouichi, are you feeling better?"  Mom asked.

"Yeah..." A soft, barely audible mumble.

"I saved some pictures from when you and Kouji were babies.  Would you like to look at them?"

"No, thanks."  Kouichi paused long enough to check the boiling rice, then went into the bedroom, closing the door behind him.  Mom looked at me.

"I guess he's still angry at me for not telling him."

I thought he looked more like he was angry at _me_ , rather than at his mother.  Was he jealous?  Probably.  After all, I seemed to have everything he didn't.  Money, a set of parents who were both healthy.  Speaking of family, I decided to ask about the one member I hadn't met yet.

"What's my grandmother like?"

"Mom?  She's one of the sweetest people I know.  She likes cooking, and she never could understand how after all these years I never picked up anything more complicated than boiling rice!"

Mom's eyes flicked to the cooking rice on the stove as if to make sure it hadn't burned while she'd been talking.

"She was teaching Kouichi to cook before she got sick, they made me muffins for my birthday last year.  She also likes birds.  She would always take Kouichi out to feed the ducks at the park.  I wanted to go with them, but I had to work.  She raised him more than I did, she was the one who watched him while I was at work, and helped him with his homework.  She's a better mother than I'll ever be."

"You're a good mother," I told her.  "Kouichi knows that.  He told me before you came that you did everything you can to make him and his..." No, that wasn't right. "... _Our_ grandmother happy."

"Really?"  Even though she was clearly exhausted, Mom's smile was bright.

A few minutes later, Kouichi emerged from the bedroom to check the rice.  This time he pulled out three bowls and some chopsticks out of a nearby drawer and scooped the rice into them before bringing two of them to Mom and I.  He barely glanced at me when he gently slipped a bowl in front of me.

"You're really improving," Mom remarked as she popped some rice into her mouth.  "I tend to overcook it.  I set off the smoke alarm last week because I forgot I had it on."

Kouichi blushed.  "That wasn't your fault.  You fell asleep waiting for dinner to cook and I was too busy reading to notice."

I looked at Mom who was suddenly intently studying her rice.

"You fell asleep waiting for dinner to cook.  And you're exhausted now.  How many hours do you _work?_ "

Mom said nothing.  Kouichi was the one who answered me.

"Forty hours a week, plus any overtime she can get."

I frowned. "That can't be right. Dad works forty hours, and he's not falling over on his feet like that."

"I have to pay for your grandmother's stay in the hospital," Mom answered me, confirming my earlier thoughts.  "The bills have been piling up lately, so I can't take a break to get some rest.  I have no choice but to work any hours I can get."

"Oh."

We were all quiet for a few minutes while eating.  I couldn't help thinking that all this was probably the reason why Kouichi seemed to be so sad.  Was there anything I could do for either of them?  At least anything that was possible, I couldn't just poof away their bills.  I could try asking my grandmother when I saw her.

"I should be getting home soon," I finally said after the rice had been reduced to a few grains.  "It's starting to get dark, and my stepmother will be expecting me soon."

"You're welcome to come back any time," Mom said.  Kouichi didn't say anything, but I saw his hand clench around his chopsticks.

"I will.  Actually, would it be okay if I came by tomorrow after I visit Grandma?"

"Of course.  I won't get out of work until six, but Kouichi will still be around."  She looked at him.  "Maybe you can meet him at the hospital before you come here."

"...Sure."  Kouichi sounded reluctant to say the least.

"Then I'll see you both tomorrow."  I got to my feet and headed for the door.  I caught one last glimpse of them before I closed the door.  Mom's face was radiant, in spite of her tiredness.  Kouichi was looking down at his chopsticks, the sadness and anger clear in his eyes.  Grief over an overworked mother, a sick grandmother, and now jealousy for a brother who seemed to have everything he didn't.  I somehow _knew_ that he was hurting inside, even if I didn't know how I knew.  What could I do?  Could I even do anything to help?

Maybe my grandmother would have the answers I needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason, the transfer between my word processor and the chapter update does weird things to the grammar. There's supposed to be two spaces between sentences, but only one shows up. I'll have to see if there's anything I can do about it.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

  
The next morning I went through my chores as quickly as possible, not as much to get to the hospital to see my grandmother as to avoid talking to my father and stepmother.  The only chore I couldn't rush was giving my dog Raiko her morning walk.  While I felt mild frustration at the time it took, I found myself with time to think for the first time that morning.  What could I do about my mother and brother?  Besides getting my grandmother out of the hospital, making all her health problems disappear, letting Mom get all the rest she needed, and giving the three of them a lot of money, at least.

Mom was probably the easiest problem to solve.  Just showing up had clearly made her happy, even if she was still exhausted.  I wished that I could do more for her, but the rest of it was out of my hands.  As for Kouichi...I sighed and leaned back against a tree as Raiko sniffed at a nearby signpost.  Kouichi was going to be tough.  I remembered the flash of anger in his eyes when he had entered the apartment the previous night.  In his eyes, I probably had everything he wanted.  Money, two happy, healthy parents, my own room.  What could I do about _that?_

The only way to find out was to ask him, or more likely someone close to him.  Kouichi hadn't actually talked about himself very much in the short amount of time we had been together before Mom had arrived.  Mom had said that she kept her feelings inside too much, And the more I thought about it, the more I felt that Kouichi did it too.  He was trying to keep his sadness and pain over everything that was going on from showing.  Why?  To keep his mother from worrying about him?  That was entirely possible.

Raiko finished poking around the sign and quickly bounced down the sidewalk, almost knocking me over.  I cursed and got a better grip on the leash.  That was what I got for letting my mind wander!

Walking Raiko was thankfully the last chore, and twenty minutes later I was walking out of the flower shop on the way to catch a train to Jikei hospital.  Did the girl at the counter have to be so _nosy?_ She had thought the flowers were for my mother at first.  Admittedly, I had thought about getting flowers for Mom, too.  The only thing that kept me from doing that was that I didn't know how long the visit to the hospital would take.  I didn't want to spend money on flowers just to have them wilt before I got to Mom's apartment.

The train pulled into the station a few blocks away from Jikei, and I felt my hand grip the flowers tighter.  Soon I would meet my grandmother, and maybe find a way to help my mother and Kouichi.  I stepped into the lobby and looked around to see a woman sitting behind a nearby counter.  Well, I needed to know which room was my grandmother's.  I walked up to the counter.

"I'm looking for Aoi Kimura. Can you tell me which room she's in?"

The woman looked up from her paperwork and did a double take.

"Koui-wait, you aren't Kouichi!"

I stifled the urge to scowl at her, but stifled it in time.

"No, I'm not. It's...complicated. Which room is she in?"

"You'll need a visitor's bracelet first.  Just a second."

The secretary pulled a plastic strip off of a nearby pile.  I shuffled the flowers to my left hand so she could put it on my right wrist.

"This just needs to be on your wrist at all times while you're in the hospital.  It's only for today, so if you come back, come here to get a new one.  Aoi Kimura..." She looked at a sheet on the wall behind her.  "She's in room 308. You take the elevator to the third floor, then go left and around the corner. It's at the end of the hall."

"Thanks."  I switched the flowers back to my right hand and quickly found the elevator.  I had just stepped out of the elevator when I saw Kouichi come around the corner.  His eyes widened when he saw me, and one hand drifted to the blue baseball hat he was now wearing, like he was trying to hide his face.  I half expected him to quietly sneak off somewhere without saying anything, but instead he took off the hat and stood there looking at me.

"You made it," he said softly.

"Yeah." What was he expecting me to do?  Just avoid his- _our_ grandmother?  Or was he hoping I _wouldn't_ be able to make it?

"I wanted to apologize for yesterday."  Kouichi looked down at the hat in his hands.  "I wanted to know what kind of person you were, and what your family was like, so I watched you make the phone call."

"If you wanted to know what I was like, why didn't you just ask me?"

"I..." His eyes moved up to meet mine.  "It's hard for me to talk to you.  Not because you're my brother, but I'm not very good at talking to anyone."

"Next time ask me if you want to know something, all right?"  I turned in the direction he had come from.  "Grandma's this way, right?"

The sadness crept back into Kouichi's eyes.  This time I saw something along with the sadness.  Was it desperation?  His eyes quickly dropped back to the ground, but he nodded.

"Are you okay? You don't look too happy."

He was silent for a moment.  I wondered if I had said the wrong thing before he started speaking again.

"This is the third time in two years she's had pneumonia.  The doctors are saying that it means she might have something else, too.  We're waiting on the test results."  Kouichi took a deep breath before continuing.  "But, Grandma's strong. She'll get through this..."

His fists clenched, and I could hear the unspoken _"She has to."_

"Mom said that Grandma would be out of the hospital in another week or so if nothing else came up, are they waiting on the test results?"  I asked.

"Yeah..." Kouichi put the hat back on his head.  "C'mon, I'll take you to her room."

He led me around the corner and down the hall, pausing to knock on the door at the end of the hall before opening it and going in.

Aoi Kimura, my grandmother, was the older woman in the pictures Mom had at home.  She looked a lot like Mom, although her hair was more wavy and gray instead of black.  Her eyes were brown instead of blue like Mom's, Kouichi's, and mine.  She was hooked up to a variety of beeping machines, most likely used to monitor her health.  In spite of this, she was sitting up, with a bright grin on her face that grew even wider when she noticed me.  It was the same grin I saw in the mirror each day.

"Hello, Kouji.  I had a feeling you'd come."

"H-hello...Grandma."  My throat tightened, and the words felt so strange on my tongue.  I had never known my grandparents, not the ones on my father's side, at least.  Dad had cut ties with them in a dispute over what he had wanted to do with his life.  He'd had no interest in becoming a fisherman like the rest of his family, and had moved to Tokyo just after he had graduated from high school for college.  He'd met my mother there, and the rest was history, or so the story went.  It was possible that he'd lied about that, and instead cut them off when he'd divorced, in order to keep someone from spilling the beans about Mom and Kouichi.

"Come in, sit down!"  She gestured to the chair beside her bed.  I took a few tentative steps closer before remembering the flowers.

"I...brought you these."

"Oh, they're beautiful.  Just put them over here."  She pointed to a vase on the nightstand next to her bed.  As I did so I noticed Kouichi quietly slip into another chair on the other side of his, My, Grandma's bed, watching me with a kind of wary curiosity.

"You really shot up, didn't you?"  Grandma asked as I sat down.  "The last time I saw you, you weren't big enough to see over the table without being in a chair.  Now look at you!"

"Time does that," I shrugged.

"Just as blunt as your father, I see."  Grandma smirked.  "Tomoko told me you only found out about us yesterday, I bet you're dying to know about all of us..."

She suddenly paused to cough.  Kouichi flinched, then picked a cup off of the nightstand and handed it to her.

"Thank you, sweetie."

As she drank and coughed some more, Kouichi shuddered and I saw the sadness and desperation in his eyes again.  This wasn't a new occurrence, then.

"Are you okay?"  I asked as the coughing died down.

"I'm fine.  It's not as bad as it was..." Grandma took another sip of what I guessed was water.  I frowned and looked over at Kouichi.  Maybe the coughing wasn't as bad as it had been, but it was enough to make him worry.

"But, it _is_ annoying," Grandma finished as she put the cup down again.  "I've been here for over a month now, they won't let me get up and do things.  I had to miss your mother's birthday because the doctors thought I'd make it worse just by leaving for one day!  They won't even let me make my own food!  Have you ever eaten hospital food?"

She shuddered.

"Not really.  The only time I was at a hospital for anything other than a checkup I came after dinner and left the next morning."

"What happened?"  As Grandma said that, I saw Kouichi look up curiously.

"I fell out of a tree and broke my arm."

"You did _what?!"_

"Fell out a tree.  I was trying to get a good look at a bird's nest.  I had a cast for about a month afterwards, and was grounded for a month after that."

"Sounds like your father had a real big scare, if he grounded you for that long.  Kousei was always a little overprotective of you.  It was even worse before the the divorce when there were two of you running around."  She laughed, a throaty chuckle that quickly turned into more coughing.

"Grandma...?" Kouichi definitely sounded worried.

"I'm fine, I just need to take some more medicine, and another drink."  Grandma grabbed the cup again and swiftly finished it.  "Here, can you refill this for me sweetie?"

Kouichi quickly moved off to what looked like a bathroom.  I heard running water a second later.

"He's a sweet boy," Grandma said.  "I wish your parents hadn't kept you two apart after the divorce."

"Why did the divorce happen?"  It was a question that I had been wondering ever since I'd found the pictures and letters.

My grandmother sighed as she took the cup from a returning Kouichi.  "Your parents are the ones to ask about that.  All I can say is that they are the stubbornest people I've ever met.  Kouichi..." She wrapped her hand over his.  "I wish I could have told you about Kouji.  I wanted to tell you so badly, but your mother made me promise not to."

"It wasn't your fault," Kouichi said softly.

"I know that, sweetie.  It's nobody's fault.  Not even your father's."

Kouichi's face hardened at that, and I wondered why.  Something to do with the divorce?  Possibly.  What had Mom told him about the divorce?  That Dad had hurt her?  That might explain why he had such a grim expression.

There was a knock at the door.

"Mrs. Kimura?"  A feminine voice.  "It's time for your checkup."

"Here we go again," Grandma groaned as she pulled herself into a better position.  "Kouichi, could you let Ayako in for me?"

Kouichi's face showed his concern for her, but he obediently got up to open the door.

"Honestly, they don't need to do their checkups every single day.  I swear, they take so long just to take a blood sample."

"It's a necessary evil."  The twenty-something year old nurse who entered the room pushing a cart full of medical instruments had evidently heard that.  "We can't let you go out for a day only to have you come back in even worse shape.  I'm sure your family won't like that..." She glanced at me, and did a double take.  Her eyebrows rose, and she looked pointedly at my grandmother.

"Oh, that's my other grandson, Kouji. My daughter got divorced, and he's been living with his father."

"I see.  Well, it's nice to meet you Kouji.  I hate to break up the family reunion, but you two are going to have to wait outside until we get this checkup done."

"Kouichi," Grandma called as my brother and I left the room.  "Do you think you can show Kouji where the cafeteria is?  This will take a while."

Kouichi nodded as he closed the door behind him.  Then he took off his hat with a sigh.

"Ayako kicks me out every time Grandma gets a checkup, I usually wind up going to the cafeteria when that happens."

"Where is it?"

"Downstairs, around the back."  He put the hat back on, then turned and headed towards the elevator.

The ride down was awkwardly silent.  Small talk isn't my specialty, and Kouichi seemed to be withdrawing into himself again.  It wasn't the same "don't bother me" attitude I projected, more of a "I'm not here" kind of aura.  The elevator arrived at the first floor and we exited back into the lobby.  I saw the girl who had been there before staring at us and stifled the urge to glare at her.  What was her problem?

Kouichi went down a hall beyond her desk and into a bustling cafeteria.  As we joined the line to get food, I became increasingly aware that there were people staring at us.  Mostly hospital workers and people I guessed were regulars, if not patients.  The staring helped to put me on edge; Was this going to happen every time I went out in public with Kouichi?

"Kouichi, who's this?"  A lady just ahead of us in the line asked.  Kouichi flinched slightly and stared at the empty tray he had just taken.

"...Brother," he mumbled.

"What was that?"  The lady bent closer.

"...My brother, Kouji."

"Your _brother?_ "  She stared back and forth between me and Kouichi for a few seconds before I finally gave up.

"We're twins.  Thanks for asking."  Normally I wasn't this rude to adults, but all the people staring at us had decreased my patience.  The lady blinked, clearly taken aback.

"Oh, I'm sorry.  It's nice to meet you."

I merely grunted a response as she turned back to the line.  Kouichi had a slightly exasperated expression on his face, but didn't call me out on my rudeness.

It took us about ten minutes to get our food.  Not because the line was long or the service slow, but because there were a lot of people like the first woman who had to ask Kouichi who the boy that looked just like him was.  Kouichi handled all the questions far better than I did, in spite of his shyness and soft voice.  I just stood there and let him do the talking, because if I had talked, it wouldn't have taken too long for me to shed the trappings of politeness and bluntly tell them to leave me alone.

"You're pretty popular," I remarked as he said goodbye to an elderly couple.  By this point we had worked our way to an out-of-the-way corner of the cafeteria where it was less likely for people to notice us.

Kouichi shrugged.  "I've become the ward's mascot, I think it's because I'm here every day I can come.  Not everyone has relatives that do that for them...the hospital staff like talking to me, they do all these nice things for me.  Ayako gave me this hat."  He took his hat off.  "She said it was for her nephew's birthday, but he didn't like hats.  I didn't have the heart to tell her I don't like hats either, but wearing it makes her happy, so I wear it whenever I'm at the hospital."

"Oh."

We were silent for a few minutes while we ate.

"How long has Grandma been here?"  I finally asked.  Kouichi stared at me for a second before the sadness came back to his eyes.

"Nearly six weeks.  It wasn't this long the last time she was here.  Ayako says that it takes older people a longer time to recover from things like this."

I felt guilty about making him sad, but if Grandma had been there long enough for Kouichi to become popular with the regulars, her pneumonia must really be serious.  Kouichi leaned back in his chair a little.

"She missed Mom's birthday," he continued.  "Nobody was happy about that, least of all Grandma...but the doctors said she couldn't go out.  It just wasn't the same without her around to make a cake for Mom."

"When _is_ Mom's birthday?"

"Last month, the seventh.  I always helped her make the cake, but it doesn't taste as good when I do it myself."

"Maybe Grandma can teach me something about cooking before next year."

He looked up at me in surprise.

"Let's just say I seem to have inherited Mom's cooking skills," I said wryly.

A shy smile crossed his face.

"I could teach you, I'm not quite as good as Grandma, but I know some things."

"Well if I can learn to cook something _without_ burning it, that would be an improvement."  I put my fork down.  "Mom would be even happier if we both helped make the cake."

The smile on Kouichi's face faded like water going down a drain, and his eyes sank to the table.

"Kouichi?"

"Nothing.  It's nothing."

I glared at him.  "There you go again.  Every time you say 'it's nothing.' And every time you don't look happy. It's not _'nothing.'"_

Kouichi's shoulders stiffened.

"I know you're jealous of me, you don't have to hide it anymore."

He jerked like he had been stung.  For a moment I saw his eyes blazing with anger before he turned away from me.

"I've _never_ seen Mom that happy," he finally said in a soft voice.  "Grandma, too. They're happy because _you're_ here.  You just walked in and did what I've been trying to do for _years_ without even trying."

"Kouichi..."

"I know.  You're my long-lost brother, and you're making the rest of my family happy.  I shouldn't be anything other than happy you're here.  But, I'm _not_.  Every time I see Mom and Grandma smile now it's because of _you,_ not _me_.  I want..." He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.  "I want to tell them that I'm still here, that I've always been here."

"You are."

Kouichi's eyes opened.

"Huh?"

"You're _here_.  You've _always_ been there for them.  I only just met them, but you've been living with them all this time..." I shook my head.  "Listen, I don't know much about you or Mom, but I've seen enough to know this much: Mom loves you.  Grandma, too.  They care as much for you as you do for them.  In fact, _I'm_ the one who should be jealous. I'm sure that if you ask either of them they'll tell you just that."

He looked down.  "It's not that simple, Kouji."

"How is it 'not that simple?'"

"I..." Kouichi's voice faltered.

"Well?"

"I don't know!"  He snapped, then his eyes widened and he shrank back into his chair.  "Sorry. I-it's...it's hard to convince myself that I _shouldn't_ be jealous of you."

I couldn't think of anything to say to that.  Kouichi was right, in his eyes, I was a stranger with his face who had turned his life upside down.  What did I know about him?

"But, you seem to be a nice guy and I really do want to know more about you."  Kouichi gently looked up.  "I- _we_ both just need more time to get used to each other."

I looked down at what was left of my food.  "Now that's something we can both agree on."

After a half-hour had passed, we made our way back to the elevator and Grandma's room.  As we arrived on the right floor, Kouichi slipped past me mumbling something about using the bathroom.  I watched him go down the hall, then shrugged and went to Grandma's room.  Ayako opened the door as I knocked.

"Oh good, I was nearly finished.  I just have to pack up..." She went back to her cart and started putting the instruments back.

"Where's Kouichi?"  Grandma asked.

"Bathroom.  He'll be along in a few minutes-" Should I ask?  Well, as long as he was gone..."Speaking of Kouichi, I need your advice."

Her eyebrows lifted.  "Oh?"

"It took me a while to get it out of him, but he's jealous of me.  I know it'll take time for him to come around, but is there anything I can do to help?"

My grandmother was silent for a moment.  In the background, Ayako finished her job and quickly left, taking her cart with her.

"He takes after his mother," she finally said.  "He'll keep negative emotions like jealousy or sadness or loneliness bottled up inside of him because he's afraid that if he shows them in front of anyone it'll just make things worse for them."

"He's lonely..." I said.  With a mother who worked every day and a sick grandmother, of course he was lonely.  I felt a stab of guilt in my heart.  No, it wasn't my fault.  I had only found out about him yesterday.  If it was anyone's fault, it was my father's for not telling me about Kouichi or my mother.

"He doesn't get out very much other than school and here to visit me, and when he does it's usually to the nearest library," Grandma confirmed.  "He'll talk to other kids at his school, but only when they talk to him first.  It's probably been harder on him since I got sick."

_"I'm not very good at talking to anyone..."_ Kouichi's words echoed in my ears.  The stab of guilt grew.

"But you're here now, and you're shaking up his world.  He might not like it, but he's no longer alone."  Grandma suddenly grinned broadly.  "The best advice I can give you is to not let him smile sweetly at you, tell you nothing's wrong and then just fade into the background with all his problems burdening him.  That was always my mistake."

Then the door opened and Kouichi came back in, cutting the conversation short.  Or rather, turning it to something else.

Two hours later, it was time for Kouichi and I to say our goodbyes and leave the hospital for Kouichi's home before Mom got out of work.  I had a lot on my mind as we walked down the street towards the nearest subway entrance.  How was I going to let Kouichi know he was no longer alone?  Talk to him?  I mentally snorted.  I had all the tact of a board to one's face.  This wasn't going to work...

"Kouji?"

I looked over at Kouichi.  His hat was in his hands and his eyes were on the ground in front of him as we walked.  "I guess you'll be staying over for dinner again?"

"If Mom's willing," I shrugged.  If she was, then I had to call Satomi again and tell her I was eating at my "friend's" place again.

"Yeah..." I could hear the reluctance in his voice.  Was there anything I could do about it?  No wait, there _was_ something.

"Hey, do you have a favorite food?"

"Huh?"

"I have money left over from my allowance.  We could do take-out of your favorite food."

Kouichi's eyes went wide.  "Wait, but-I couldn't possibly...the money..."

"I got a bunch saved up at home.  Besides, you could use a treat for once."

"But, I don't n-" he suddenly stopped short, his face growing pale.

"You don't what?"  Was he going to say it was _'nothing'_ again?

"I...I don't need your help," he finished in a soft voice as his eyes sank down to the ground again.  "I'm sorry Kouji.  I appreciate the offer, but I'm fine."

I stifled the urge to scream at him.  That probably wouldn't help matters any.  Instead I shrugged.

"Would you rather I bought it all for myself, big brother?"

His head whipped up and he glared at me.  I wondered if it was for the part about myself or the "big brother"?

"I take that as a 'no?'  Look, I'm just trying to make my family happy, the same as you are, but now my family includes _you,_ too.  You deserve to be as happy as they are.  Just this once, at least."

Kouichi's fists clenched, then released as the anger slowly drained from his eyes.

"Teriyaki."

"Huh?"

"My favorite food.  Teriyaki."

I wasn't sure if that was really his favorite food or if he was just saying that because it was relatively cheap and easily deliverable, but it was a start.

"Teriyaki it is, then.  Hey, what's Mom's favorite food?

"Sashimi."  He glanced over at me as we started walking again.  "Yours?"

"Miso soup."

"I can make that, actually.  Grandma taught me."

"Really?  I didn't know that."

Kouichi smiled shyly at me.  "Maybe...when we get home I can make you some.  We don't have any raw fish at home though so I can't make sashimi for Mom...but she likes miso soup, too."

I found myself grinning back.  "Sounds good to me."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

  
The next two days after I met my grandmother found me settling into a pattern.  After school I'd take the bus to Jikei hospital and visit Grandma and spend a few hours with her and Kouichi.  Not that Kouichi said or did much during those hours; he mostly buried himself into a book or did homework while Grandma talked to me about stuff like her family growing up and my grandfather, but I could occasionally see Kouichi's eyes peering over the books and paper.  Then before Mom got home from work I'd accompany Kouichi back to his place and have dinner there before heading home to do my own homework.  We only went back to the cafeteria once, but that was fine with me, since it cut down on the awkward conversations with the hospital's regulars.

It didn't take too long for Dad and Satomi to notice the way I kept having meals at my "friend's" house; I could hear the increasing reluctance in Satomi's voice every time I told her I wouldn't be coming home for dinner.

When I went to the hospital on the third day, it was Kouichi who opened the door to Grandma's room.  That wasn't surprising, his school was much closer to Jikei than mine.  What _did_ surprise me, and not pleasantly, were the prominent dark circles under his eyes.

"You look terrible.  What's going on?"

Kouichi looked down, and for a long dreadful moment I thought he was going to say "nothing" again.

"Mom had a fever last night," he finally said.  "I wanted to make sure it broke before..." He yawned deeply.  "...Morning."

"You mean you didn't get any sleep last night?  You've been like this _all day?"_ I felt my voice rising in concern.  Our final exams before the summer vacation were quickly approaching, and it was the worst time to be tired.  Come to think of it, Mom had been a little paler than usual the night before.  I cursed myself for not noticing it then.

"I got some sleep..."  He looked down again.  "Just not a lot."

"I was just telling him to go home and get some rest," Grandma remarked from her bed.

"I know..." Kouichi pulled his hat off long enough to rub his eyes.  "I just wanted to make sure you were all right."

"Kouichi, I'm in a hospital surrounded by doctors and nurses.  I'm _fine._   Now you get on home and get some sleep."

"Okay."  He put his hat back on.  "I'll see you tomorrow, Grandma."

"Of course."

"I'm going with you," I said.  They both looked at me in surprise.

"I think that's a very good idea, Kouji," Grandma replied.

"But..." Kouichi quickly realized that he was outvoted.  "Fine, you can come with me.  But I'm going right to bed when I get there."

I shrugged.  "Good, you need it.  You look like you're about to pass out."

Kouichi, caught in another yawn, glared at me then opened the door and walked out.  I followed him out into the hall to wait for the elevator.

"Does Mom get fevers like that often?"  I asked as the door opened and we entered.  He slumped against the elevator wall before answering.

"Not normally.  Usually it's only when she's overworked herself."  Kouichi took the hat off as his eyes got that sadness again.  "It's been happening more often lately.  I think one of these days she'll actually wind up going to work with a fever, and the worst part of it is I can't do anything about it.  I try to get her to stay home and rest, but she just says that if she rests it'll be trouble for everyone."

The elevator reached the ground floor, and Kouichi led the way out through the lobby.

"Has she tried getting a better job?"  I asked as he held the exit door open for me.

"I've asked her, there's no time for it.  She's either at work, at home too tired to move, or asleep."

He stifled another yawn.

"At least it's not so bad for me.  I can go home and sleep after I've seen Grandma."

I glared at him.  "Not so bad? What about your _grades?_   We've got finals coming up..."

"I _know!"_ Kouichi flinched at the intensity of his voice, then continued in a quieter voice.  "I know.  But, I can't help worrying about Mom.  I just...I don't know what to do."

I snorted. "For starters we can get you home and you can get some sleep.  We'll think about what to do with Mom afterwards, all right?"

He looked up at me helplessly, then nodded.

Those were the last words spoken on the trip to Kouichi's apartment.  He was too tired to talk, and all I could think of was what I could do about the situation...

And what I was going to say to Mom when she got back from work.

Once we were at Kouichi's home, I had a feeling that he was going to try and fight off his sleepiness long enough to make dinner, but instead he quietly shuffled off to the bedroom.  Most likely he was just too tired to do anything.

I stood in the living room and contemplated my next move.  Kouichi usually made dinner, but he wouldn't be able to make it before Mom got home if he was asleep.  And if Mom had been sick the night before, chances were she'd be in even worse shape than my brother was!  That left me two options: either to do takeout again or to somehow cook dinner myself.  As much as I wanted to treat both of them, I didn't have all that much money on me this time.  That left making it myself.

Cooking was a bit of a weak point with me.  The last time I had tried was on a day when neither Dad nor Satomi had been home.  That one had literally ended up in a smoking mess, not that any of the other times had been much better, but the only things I could actually "cook" were raw fruit and vegetables.  Fruit and vegetables at least I could afford, and there was no cooking in an American-style salad.

It took me about a half-hour to find the nearest place to my mother's home that sold fruit and vegetables.  Cutting them up into the salad took a bit longer, but in the end I placed three bowls of salad down on the table.  The only problem I could see was that salad didn't have much substance.  I sighed.  How hard could cooking rice be?  I had seen Kouichi do it for the last...how long had it been, three, four nights?  No, that thought was inviting disaster.  However, rice was probably the easiest thing to cook in the kitchen.  I reluctantly picked a bag of rice out of the cabinet and a nearby pan.

Forty-five minutes later, I opened the windows in the hopes that the smoke from the burned rice would dissipate _before_ the fire alarm went off and wake Kouichi up.  I was just trying to scrape the remains out of the pan when the alarm started.  I flinched, then turned to see the bedroom door open.  My brother stood there for a moment, rubbing his eyes sleepily.

"Sorry Kouichi, I didn't mean to wake you."  I glared at the alarm in the hopes that it would shut _off_ already!  Sure enough, now that the damage was done, the alarm finally quieted.  Kouichi looked at the smoke detector, then down at the pan I was holding.

"I made some salad, too...that came out all right."  Why did I have to make rice?  Why hadn't I just been content with the salad?  "I'll clean it up.  You don't have to..."

"Here."  He turned to a nearby drawer and pulled out a spatula.  "You might need this."

I took it as I stared at him in confusion.

"Mom sometimes tries cooking, too.  This is the best thing for scraping burned food off."

"Oh."

Kouichi looked down at the pan.  "This was rice, right?"

"Yeah," I took the spatula and resumed scraping.  "It was undercooked, so I overcooked it.  I'll pay for any damage to the pan."

"Mmm...doesn't look like you did anything permanent to the pan.  It'll just smell like burned rice for a while."  He pulled a nearby pan off a rack.  "You were using the wrong kind of pan, too."

"I know, I'm a lousy cook."  I could barely keep the frustration out of my voice.  "But I wanted to make dinner, since you were asleep."

"Actually, it looks like you did a pretty good job with the salad, Mom's always putting stuff you don't normally find in salads in hers."  He shuddered.  "Her salads are almost as bad as her cooking.  I'll handle the rice, you don't have to worry about it."

"But, you need to sleep..." While the dark circles around his eyes had faded some in the last few hours, they weren't gone yet.

"I'm okay, I feel much better since I took a nap."

I glared at him skeptically.  This time he didn't look away.

"Besides, Mom will be home from work soon," he finished.  "Tomorrow's her day off so she can rest."

"If you say so."  I resumed my scraping as he picked up the bag of rice.

Kouichi refused to eat until Mom got home from her job, so after the rice was cooked we sat at the table waiting for her to come home.  The rice was getting cold when Kouichi spoke.

"Hey, Kouji?"

"What?"

"I-what's Dad like?"

I felt a scowl creep onto my face.  Dad was the _last_ person I wanted to talk about.

"He's the kind of man who'd lie and tell me that my mother's dead, and that I'm an only child."

A hint of exasperation showed on Kouichi's face.

"Yes, I know that.  I've been thinking, did you ever tell him you met me and Mom?"

"What's _that_ got to do with anything?"

"Grandma says that our family's already been torn apart by secrets.  If you haven't told Dad that you know about me, wouldn't that make you the same kind of person that he is?"

I felt the blood rushing from my face.  How could he _say_ that?  How _could_ he...

"I'm not forcing you to tell Dad," Kouichi continued.  "I know you're angry and hurt because he lied to you, I feel the same way.  In fact, I'd always thought of Dad as someone who abandoned us, especially when I heard he got married again.  Then I met you.  Now I'm beginning to wonder if Dad wasn't the kind of man I thought he was.  Maybe he isn't the kind of man _you_ think he is, either."

"It doesn't matter what he is," I retorted.  "What matters is that he tried to keep me from ever knowing you and Mom.  I can't forgive him for that."

Kouichi looked thoughtfully down at the rice in front of him for a moment.

"Do you know if your stepmother knows anything about me and Mom?"  He finally asked.

"Satomi?"  I snorted.  "She has to be in on this.  Dad's trying to make her replace Mom after all, why wouldn't he tell her?"

"What if he lied to her, too?  What if you weren't the only one?"

I hesitated.  He wouldn't, would he?  She was his wife, but he had already lied to me.  Come to think of it, if Satomi had found out I had a brother I didn't think she would keep him a secret from me for very long, unless she had a good reason to.

"Either way, I think you should tell Dad you know about us," Kouichi continued.  "I think Grandma's right when she says that we shouldn't have any more secrets."

"Telling him is the _last_ thing I want to do," I snapped.  Kouichi's eyes widened, then sank back down to the rice in front of him.

"If you say so," he mumbled.

Fifteen minutes later, the door opened and Mom staggered in.  She was pale, shaking, and clearly exhausted.

"Mom!"  Kouichi was instantly out of his chair and gently guiding her to the couch.

"Hello, Kouichi.  And Kouji."  She favored me with a wan smile as she didn't quite collapse on the couch.

"We made dinner for you," Kouichi darted over to the table long enough to pick up a bowl of rice and hand it to her.

"Thanks, sweetie."

I watched as he settled down on the couch next to her.  In spite of all the hardships and insecurities they endured, they were far closer as a parent and child than my father and I were to each other.  I'm not proud of it, but at that moment I envied Kouichi more than ever.

"Hey tomorrow's your day off, right?"  Kouichi asked.  "We can go visit Grandma.  It's been a long time since all three of us were together, and maybe Kouji can come with us this time."

"Sorry, sweetie.  Kayaba asked me if I could come in to work tomorrow."

Kouichi's eyes widened, and his head turned so that Mom couldn't see it but I could see the sadness and concern in them even if she didn't.

"You haven't had a day off in two weeks," he protested softly.  "You need to rest!"

"I know, Kouichi.  But I can't rest, it would be trouble for everyone.  Besides, it's only until your Grandma is out of the hospital."

"That won't help her if _you_ wind up in the hospital from exhaustion first," I remarked bitterly.  "Who's going to work then? Grandma? _Kouichi?"_

"Kouji, I'll be all right.  I've done this before..."

I snorted.  "For how long?  I don't think you've gone _this_ long without a day off.  Kouichi's right, you need to _rest!_ Tell your boss you won't be able to make it tomorrow!"

"I _can't_ ," Mom all but wailed.  "If I take time off, the hospital bills will start piling up.  I'm barely able to keep ahead of them as it is!"

"They'll be even worse if you wind up in a hospital from exhaustion," I snapped.

"What should I do?  Leave my own _mother_ to rot?"

"Call your boss and tell him that you're not feeling good, so you won't be able to work tomorrow."

"But, what about the bills?  What happens if I don't have the money to pay for them?"

"What about Kouichi?  What happens to _him_ if you work yourself to death?  He didn't get any sleep last night because he was worried about you!"

I realized that I probably shouldn't have brought my brother into the argument, but it was too late to take the words back.  Mom hesitated, then gently put her hand under Kouichi's chin to see his face.  As well as the dark circles under his eyes.

"Sweetie..."

"I'll be all right, Mom."  Kouichi tried to smile sweetly, but it came across as rather sad.  "I took a nap earlier, I'm just a bit tired, that's all."

My mother's horrified expression spoke louder than any words could have.

"What can I do?"  She finally asked.  "If I rest, I can't pay the bills.  If I work, we _all_ suffer.  What alternative is there?"

"A new job," Kouichi's voice was rough with emotion.  "You can get a new job that doesn't have such long hours."

"But, I don't have the time..."

" _We_ do," I interrupted.  "And Grandma does, she has all the time she needs.  We can do the looking, all you have to do is show up for interviews."

Mom's tears were now falling into the rice her shaking hands held.

"What did I do to deserve sons like you?"  She asked.

"Well, giving birth to us helped a lot."  Kouichi wrapped his arms around her, leaning into the hug.  "And you can ask Kayaba to only work a half shift tomorrow.  Since it's supposed to be your day off, you'd be getting paid extra anyway.  I'm sure he'll understand.  Maybe you can work the second half of the shift, so you can get some sleep tomorrow morning.  For now, I think you should finish your food and get some sleep.  You need it."

Mom smiled at him through her tears.  "Right."

Fortunately, it didn't take Mom too long to finish her rice and go to bed.  Then it was just Kouichi and myself again finishing dinner.  Or rather I was; I noticed that Kouichi wasn't really eating his food.  He was probably too worried about Mom to eat before she went to bed.  Now however he didn't have that excuse.  He was just poking his chopsticks through the rice.  What was going on?

"You should probably eat that, big brother.  We didn't make this food so it could go to waste."

His eyes jumped to my face, then sank back down to the rice.

"Sorry.  I...it's nothing."

"Kouichi, how many times do I have to tell you _it's not 'nothing.'_ "

Kouichi was silent at first, but I could see conflicting emotions crossing his face.

"You just did something I've been trying to do for weeks," he finally said.  "I know Mom needed it, but it hurts that _you_ were the one to do it, not me."

"Don't sell yourself short.  You're the one who knows her the best, Kouichi."

He was quiet for another moment.

"Maybe that's why you were so effective at getting her to rest.  She _knows_ me, she _knows_ I won't push her too hard when I tell her to get some rest.  She didn't know you, so she didn't know you'd really tell her off for overworking."  He took a deep breath as he picked up some rice on his chopsticks.  "As much as I hate to admit it, you're the best thing that has happened to us in a long time."

I found myself blushing, then scowled and took a big bite of the rice in front of me.

It was fully dark when I arrived at home; waiting for Mom to get home had taken longer than I'd expected.  I was just taking my shoes off when Satomi stuck her head through the doorway.

"Kouji?"

I pulled my second shoe off and put it next to the other.

"What?"

"You were supposed to be home an hour ago.  Were you at your friend's house again?"

"Yeah."

Satomi stepped into the hallway, her face reflecting concern.

"I've noticed you've been spending a lot of time with him lately.  I'm glad that you've found a friend, but I'm a bit worried because you haven't really told me or your father anything about him."

"My friends aren't your business."  Especially when the "friend" was really the brother my father had never told me about, who was living with the mother that my father had told me was dead.

"I just want to know why you've been staying there so much."  Satomi said.  "You haven't even told me his name."

I scowled.  Satomi really wanted to know, did she?  And knowing her, she wouldn't give up until she got some information.

"His name's Satoshi.  Satoshi...Haruno."

Satoshi was in fact my grandfather's name, according to Grandma.  Haruno was the family name of a classmate.  It sounded plausible enough to keep Satomi off my back.  Even if I had lied to do it.  I felt a pang of guilt as I thought of Kouichi's face if he found out I had lied.

"The reason I've been staying there so much is because his grandmother's sick, and his..." I had to stop myself from saying "Mom."  "...His parents are always working, so he's been by himself a lot.  I'm helping him make dinner so his parents don't have to."

Her eyebrows rose.  " _You_ help him make dinner...?"

"I cut up vegetables."  That much was true, I had cut up the vegetables for the salad earlier.

"Oh," Satomi paused for a moment.  "You should invite him here for dinner someday."

"I'll ask him about it," I lied.

Satomi smiled, and headed back through the doorway and into her workroom.  I turned and went up the stairs to my room and collapsed onto my bed.  I had lied to my stepmother, to her face.  Kouichi's voice echoed in my ears. _"What if he lied to her, too."  "I think Grandma's right when she says that we shouldn't have any more secrets."_

I rolled over irritably.  She _wasn't_ my mother, and even if I told her the truth she'd probably turn around and tell my father.  Why _should_ I tell her the truth, anyway?  To make Kouichi happy?  Why was I even thinking about it?

What did _he_ know?


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Kouichi didn't bring the subject of my father up again as the days passed, something I was thankful for.  It was hard enough trying to get to know him and my mother without bringing Dad into it.

I had known my brother for nearly a week and while I knew we needed more time to open up to each other, it was hard to see him quietly withdraw into something whenever I got close to him.  Usually a book, or some other object.  When he didn't have anything handy, he'd just withdraw into himself, and project that "I'm not here" aura.  There were also the bad days; sometimes, usually when I was talking to Mom, he'd slip out and I wouldn't see him again for around twenty minutes.  He quietly admitted after the first time that he still felt angry when he saw Mom smiling and happy because of me, and would go to his hiding place to calm down.

Even while we were job hunting for Mom, my brother would bury himself in the newspaper and only contribute to the conversation when Grandma had missed some detail about Mom's resume or when he found a potential job Mom might like.

Once a week, I would take Aikido class after school.  I had been taking one martial art or another ever since I could remember, although I had only been taking Aikido for about nine months at that point.  I'd already let Grandma know that I would be coming to visit her later than I normally did because of it.

I had got out of the class and was walking up the street to the train station when I realized that I had left my umbrella at the Aikido studio.  It hadn't rained yet, but the overcast sky had an ominous threat to it, and the forecast had definitely called for rain.  I was just turning to go back and get the umbrella when my phone rang.  The number on the screen wasn't familiar, however the voice that came from it as I picked up was.

"Kouji!"  My grandmother's voice shook with concern.

"Grandma, what...?"

"I need you to find Kouichi.  He's not picking up the phone!"

I frowned.  Kouichi didn't have a cell phone, so that meant he was probably at home, or at least Grandma thought he was.

"Shouldn't he be with you?  He's usually there already..."

There was a pause.

"I need to talk with him.  Could you find him for me?  I think he's out back, in his hiding place, which is why he's not picking up."

Something was definitely wrong.  Kouichi wasn't the kind of person who would run away when his grandmother needed to talk to him.  And in his hiding place?  Why would he be there on a day like this?

"What happened?"

"That's not important."

I stifled a growl of annoyance.  What was it with my family and not telling me things I needed to know?

"If it wasn't important, why do you need me to find him?"

Grandma was silent for a moment.

"I have bacteremia."

I struggled to remember what that was, but failed.  It did not sound good whatever it was.

"What's that?"

"The infection from the pneumonia has spread beyond my lungs and into my bloodstream."

"Can they cure it?"  I asked, dreading the answer.

"They're trying.  It's complicated because the infection might have spread to my other organs, and because I'm old."

The air left my stomach as if I had been punched.  I had only known Grandma for less than a week, and already I was going to lose her.  It wasn't _fair_...

"How long do you..." I began tentatively as soon as I got my voice back.

"Not you, too!"  Grandma's voice sounded thoroughly exasperated, like she'd already heard it before.  "Just because there are complications doesn't automatically mean I'm going to die.  Even if it did, I'm not going to automatically keel over and die on a certain date just because the doctors say I will..." She suddenly broke off into coughing.

"Grandma?"

"Never mind."  There was the sound of water splashing, and I guessed she was taking a drink.  "Kouichi was there when the doctors told me, then they moved me to another room.  I lost track of him after that, but I don't think he took it too well, because I haven't seen him since."

"So you just want me to find him?  I'm on my way."  I resumed walking towards the train station, which was about a block away and next to a busy highway.

"He's probably in his hiding place..."

"Where is it?  I never actually saw it."

"There's a hill in the back of the apartment complex, Kouichi uses it to go sledding in the winter.  It's steep enough that they put a set of wooden stairs so that people could get to the top.  Kouichi hides under the stairs, where nobody can see him, usually he reads there on good days.  On bad days, he goes there to cool down when he's been through too much."

"I know, he usually goes there when I'm talking to Mom.  It's not as bad as it was when I first met him, but he's still jealous."

Grandma's response was drowned out by a car horn blaring from the nearby highway.

"Sorry, I didn't hear you."

"I said he still needs time.  He's only known you for just under a week, of _course_ he's still jealous!"

"Yeah..."

A large truck zoomed by, making it impossible to hear the phone again.

"Look Grandma, it's getting a bit noisy out here.  Could you call me back in about twenty minutes?"

Grandma sighed.  "Twenty minutes.  Here, let me give you the hospital room's number.  Call me if you find Kouichi before then."

Five minutes later I stood on the first train out to Kouichi's apartment, scowling uneasily at my reflection.  I didn't know too much about medicine, and in spite of what Grandma said the infection spreading to other parts of her body didn't sound like something she was going to recover from.  Her condition worsening would impact Mom and Kouichi even worse than they were already.  They were already stressed out because she was in the hospital in the first place, and on top of that Kouichi had finals coming up.  I wasn't worried about my brother not being able to study as much as I was worried about him-about _both_ of them not getting enough sleep, or food for that matter.  And what about Mom?  She was suffering from working herself too hard, would she still stay at home and rest if Grandma's condition worsened?

I wondered what the chances were of Grandma surviving the infection, and how long the doctors were giving her if she wouldn't.  Darnit, I'd only known her for a _week!_ It wasn't fair to Mom or Kouichi...

...Or to _me_...

I took a deep breath.  Grandma was right, she wasn't going to just die on a certain date because some doctors said so.  The doctors' estimates were just that, estimates.  Guesses.  Which could easily be earlier rather than later, if she didn't get better.  Why was I thinking about it?  I needed to concentrate on finding Kouichi as swiftly as possible.

The threat of rain had grown when I got off the train.  The few drops of water that made it to the ground were hardly big enough to be called drops, but they were increasing.  I had a feeling that Kouichi's hideout wouldn't be waterproof, especially if it were made of wood, like Grandma said.  If he was still there, he'd be getting wet...I mentally kicked myself for leaving my umbrella at the studio as I started running towards Kouichi's apartment.

The apartment was nearer to the train station than his hiding place, so naturally that was the first place I checked.  By the time I got there, the rain had increased to a minor downpour.  The door was locked, and there was no response when I knocked.  He was still in his hiding place, then.

As I turned to go, my phone rang.  Grandma again, most likely.  I pulled my phone out.

"Kouji!" Grandma's voice cracked in my ear.  "Have you found him?"

"Not yet, I just checked the apartment and he's not here.  He must be in his hiding place."  I walked around the building in the direction I'd seen Kouichi go that first time.

"I told you he'd be there."

"Well, I was hoping he'd be inside by now.  It's raining."  I flinched as the rain increased a bit more.  Why did it have to rain that day?

"Normally he has more sense than this..." My grandmother sighed.  "But it's times like this when he's got his mother's stubbornness.  He wants to be alone, so he'll be in his 'alone' place, even if it's raining out.  I caught him out there when it was snowing once..."

I could see a steep hill in front of me, with a wooden staircase.  The hill was steep enough that I could see a gap between the hill and the stairs, I guessed that it must have been the infamous hiding place.

"...He's lucky he didn't catch hypothermia out there.  He was grounded for two weeks after that.  He hasn't been there in the winter since then."

"Okay, I see the hill."  I increased my pace, hoping to avoid getting wetter than I already was.

"Is he there?"

It was hard to make out in the increasing rain, but I thought I saw a glimpse of green between the stairs.

"Yeah."

"Give him the phone and I'll talk to him."

The first thing I saw as I entered was my brother's discarded hat lying on the floor.  Kouichi himself was huddled in a ball with his back to me.  He was completely oblivious to the rain which dripped through the gaps in the stairs and onto him.  As I took a step inside, his shoulders jerked, and his eyes blazed with sheer rage as he turned to face me.

"Go _away!_ "

" _Kouichi!_ "  My grandmother's voice barked from my phone.  "He's here because I need to talk to you."

His eyes widened, but he didn't move.  Instead he kept glaring at me, like somehow _everything_ was all my fault.  I scowled back, but held up the phone so he could see it.

"Honestly sweetie, you're acting like I'm already dead!"  My grandmother, completely oblivious to the tense standoff, continued.  "Do I sound like I'm dead to you?"

Kouichi's eyes shifted to the ground.  "N-no..."

"Look, just because I might not last as long as I'd hoped doesn't mean I'm going to keel over and die at any minute.  And when I _do_ die, I'd better not have you accompanying me to the afterlife because you were too stubborn to _come out of the rain!_ "

He stiffened, then started climbing to his feet.

"Get inside and dry yourself off.  After that, you can come back to the hospital and we can discuss this without using your brother's cell phone."  Grandma's voice sounded exasperated, and I really couldn't blame her.  Kouichi glared at me once more before squeezing past and back out into the downpour.

"Well?"  Grandma asked pointedly.  I sighed and put the phone to my ear again.

"He just left.  I think he's going inside."

"Good.  They moved me up two floors, and I'm now in room 514.  Make sure he gets dried off before he comes here, all right?"

"Yeah."  I hung up the phone, then noticed Kouichi's hat still lying on the ground.  I picked it up and followed him out.

Kouichi had indeed gone back to the apartment.  He was in the bedroom, hopefully getting a change of clothing.  Not that I was much drier, I realized as I looked down at my own clothing.  I mentally cursed myself again for leaving my umbrella at the studio, and settled for taking my jacket off and putting it on a nearby coat hook.  After a few minutes, Kouichi left the bedroom now wearing dry clothing as well as a blanket draped over his shoulders.

"I suppose I should be happy Grandma sent you here," he said after a moment.  "It's really starting to pour out there..."

"Yeah..." I paused.  "So, what's the story?  Grandma said her infection's got into her bloodstream, but I don't know much more than that."

Kouichi's eyes darkened, and the sadness and desperation were clearly visible in them as he sank down to the couch.

"I didn't get many details, they don't tell children much about these kinds of things.  From what I heard, it's going to be very difficult to treat her without..." He paused a moment before getting himself back together.  "If she can't pull though, they're giving her three months."

I felt my fists clench.  Three _months?_ That was all they were giving her?  But I'd just met her...

"But she's strong," he continued.  "If anyone can beat those odds, it's Grandma."

"Yeah..." I wasn't convinced, and Kouichi looked more like he was trying to convince _himself_ than me.  I sat down beside him, placing his hat on his lap.  After hesitating for a moment, I took off my bandanna too.

"You aren't..." Kouichi's voice trailed off.

"Huh?"

"You aren't wearing your bandanna.  This is the first time I've seen you without it."

"Oh," I held the soaked cloth up.  "I got it for my birthday last year.  It looked good with my jacket, so I kept it."

I turned to see Kouichi looking at me strangely.

"What?"

"You look a lot like Mom when you're not wearing it, you have the same hairstyle."

"You've known me for a week and only just figured that out?"

"Well, you're always wearing the bandanna..." Kouichi's eyes dropped to the hat in his lap.  "I don't like hats myself.  I only wore this because Ayako gave it to me."

"I know."

"They moved Grandma to a different part of the hospital, I wonder if I'll see Ayako again."

"Probably."  I shrugged.  "It's not like we're changing hospitals or anything."

"Mmm."

We were both quiet for a few minutes.

"I suppose Grandma told you to stay here until I'm dry?"  Kouichi finally asked.

"Pretty much."

Kouichi leaned back against the couch.  "Hey, Kouji...?"

"What?"

"You-what are your friends like?"

I felt myself stiffen.  Of all the questions he had to ask, why did he have to ask _that_ one?

"I know you don't want to talk about your family, and I've heard you tell Grandma about your dog and your Aikido training, but you've never mentioned any friends."

"I don't have many friends," I admitted reluctantly.

"Eh?  Why not?"

"Because..." I sighed.  "When I was young, Dad moved around the country a lot.  Every time I'd make friends, I'd have to lose them."

Kouichi's eyes widened, then softened with sympathy.

"I have some friends from a place we used to live," I continued.  "But now they're so far away that the only way we can talk to each other is by phone or e-mail. It's not the same."

"Do you think Dad will move away again?"

"I don't think so."  At least I hoped not.  "Dad's pretty settled in this place, and Satomi likes it there."

"That's a relief.  I don't think Mom and Grandma would be very happy if you had to move."

"What about you?"

He looked at me, then down at the hat in his lap.  "I don't think I would be, either.  Mom's happiness is my happiness, even if it does make me jealous sometimes.  Besides, you're not a bad guy."

"Nice to see I have your approval," I said dryly.

He glared at me for a second.  I smirked at him.

"Can't take a joke, big brother?"

He rolled his eyes in exasperation.

"You know what I mean," he sighed.

"I know."

After about a half-hour, I got up and felt my jacket.  "I don't know about you, but I think I'm dry enough to go to the hospital."

"Okay."  Kouichi got up and grabbed a nearby jacket, then he pulled an umbrella off of a nearby shelf.  Putting my bandanna back on, I walked outside into the downpour and held the door open for him as he came out.  He paused suddenly, looking at me.

"You don't have an umbrella, do you?"

"I left it at the Aikido studio."  I shrugged.  "It's just rain, I won't melt."

I turned to go, only to have the rain falling on me suddenly stop.  I looked at my brother to see him holding the umbrella over my head.

"Kouichi, I just told you..."

"Grandma will be upset at you for getting soaked, and upset with me for letting it happen!"  He lowered the umbrella as he walked next to me.  This unfortunately brought him close enough that we were touching.  I felt myself shudder at the unfamiliar contact and stepped away, back out into the rain.

"Kouji?"

"I don't like being touched by strangers."

I heard his sharp intake of breath, even though I couldn't see his face.  Then I felt the base of the umbrella press into my hand.

"Kouichi..."

"You can have it.  It's just rain, I won't melt."

I turned to glare at him.  Kouichi was standing there, smiling like he walked out into the rain all the time.

"Yeah, and Grandma will be mad at _me_ for letting _you_ get soaked again.  Not happening, big brother."  I stepped closer so that the umbrella was over both of us again.  "Just because I don't like being touched doesn't mean I can't do it...and I'd rather be uncomfortably close to you for a few minutes than have both Mom and Grandma mad at both of us."

His eyes widened as I fell in next to him, but he walked beside me without any further complaints.

"Speaking of Mom, what's she saying about all this?" I asked after a couple of minutes.

"I don't know, I haven't talked to her since this morning.  She's probably going to the hospital as soon as she gets out of work."

"Hmm."  I buried my free hand into my pocket.  There was money there, since I'd just got my allowance the night before.  Given what my mother's side of the family was going through, they definitely deserved to be treated...

"Maybe we can stop somewhere and pick something for all of us to eat on the way."

"They don't allow outside food at the hospital."

"Then we can go to the cafeteria."

"But..." Kouichi's shoulders slumped in defeat.  "Grandma can't move from her room, and I don't think they'll let us eat up there."

I snorted.  "So? We're only in trouble if we get caught.  Besides, the hospital's food is a lot more expensive than regular food."

He turned to me, his eyes wide in shock.  Then he started laughing.

"S-sorry, you sound just like Grandma..." Kouichi couldn't get any farther as the laughter bubbled out of him again.

"I take it Grandma's a bit of a rebel?"  I asked, as Kouichi managed to get a hold of himself.

"You should have heard the doctor the first time she was here.  She decided the cafeteria had better food than what they were feeding her.  She had only just recovered from pneumonia, so the doctors didn't want her leaving her bed."

I snorted.  "Guess it must be hard to keep her down."

A shy smile bloomed on Kouichi's face.  "You have no idea."

After a brief detour to a take-out place to pick up some food, We arrived at Jikei.  Kouichi, out of habit, started things off by pressing the button for the floor Grandma had been on before on the elevator.  I had to tell him that Grandma was on the fifth floor, which earned me an irritated glare from my brother as he pressed the right button.  Followed by a sigh and a quiet apology.

My grandmother's new room was a sterile place, far more than the last one she had been in.  The nurses were unfamiliar, and not nearly as friendly as Ayako had been.  Not openly, at least; one of them raised an eyebrow when she saw me attempting to sneak the bag of food in behind my back, but didn't say anything.  The sight of my grandmother grinning broadly at us through the assortment of machines she was hooked up to made all the trouble worth it.

"It's a good thing you brought that," she remarked.  "I swear, the food gets worse and worse every time they move me.  Kouichi, what are you doing back there?  Aren't you happy to see me?"

I turned to see my brother still standing in the doorway with his eyes on the floor in front of him.  That was unusual; normally he'd be right at her bedside when I got there.

"I am," he mumbled softly.

"Then what are you doing all the way back there?  You never hesitated at the door like that before.  Is it because you ran away?"

A blush spread across my brother's face.

"No."

"That's not it, huh?  It's me then."  Before Kouichi could protest, my grandmother continued.  "I'm guessing that you're afraid you'll lose me, but you're also afraid to show how scared and sad that makes you...which is why you ran away in the first place.  Now you're afraid to come close to me, since you think that all your fear and sadness will somehow 'burden' me.  Am I right?"

Kouichi stared at her, his mouth opening and closing uselessly.  Grandma smirked at him.

"I'm right, and you know it.  Sweetie, no matter how scared or sad or angry you are, you talking about it will never 'burden' me."

"Or me," I added.  "I'm always ready to listen if you need to vent."

Kouichi's eyes widened, and he smiled.  A smile which didn't match the sadness in his eyes.  Then the door behind him opened and my mother rushed in, almost stumbling over Kouichi on her way inside.

"Mom!"  She cried.

"Hello, Tomoko."  Grandma moved so she was sitting up straighter.

"How are you feeling?  My boss said I could get out of work a bit earlier than usual, and that he'd pay me for the rest of my shift..."

"Tomoko, calm down.  I'm not dying yet, even though everyone keeps acting like it."

I flinched as she glared at me and Kouichi pointedly.

"I don't feel any different from before, so why should you treat me any differently?"

Mom blinked, then laughed.  "Good question."

"There, somebody gets it."  Grandma coughed suddenly.  Maybe it was just me, but the coughing seemed to last longer than usual.  Kouichi quickly headed to the bathroom and came back with a cup of water.

"Thanks, sweetie."  Grandma drained the cup, then ruffled Kouichi's hair.  "So Kouji, what did you boys get for us to eat?"

"Eat?"  Mom's eyes fell to the bag I was holding, then she glared at me.  "You brought outside food to a _hospital_...?"

"It was my idea, Mom."  I turned to see Kouichi behind me, with an odd look of determination in his eyes.  "We haven't all been together like this in over a month now, and this time we've got Kouji with us..."

I stared at him.  Why was he covering for me?  Was he trying to make up for snapping at me earlier...?

"And I know you and Grandma are going through a lot, so I asked Kouji to pick up some dinner for us, since they won't let her go to the cafeteria.  Please, just this once can we eat dinner here?"

Mom sighed.  "All right, just this once.  But next time ask the nurses if it's okay first."

"Yes, Mom."  Kouichi turned to me and grinned, a smile which was somehow less shy than it had been before.  To my surprise, I found myself smiling back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll admit I didn't do my medical research. Mostly because the little I did squicked me out. I guess I'm allowed a little handwave here and there.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

The problem with looking for a new job for Mom was that we needed a job that not only had a reasonable amount of money for fewer hours than the job she held, but was also within commuting distance of her home.  There was also the problem of getting her to the interviews, since her busy schedule left her very little time to herself.

Still, there were plenty of openings for us to look at; Mom had a very diverse career which spanned everything from waitress to teaching assistant at a nearby university before she'd had the secretary job.

"Wow, Mom did all this?"  I asked when Kouichi presented me and Grandma with Mom's full resume.

"Not all at once," Kouichi replied as he sat down on Grandma's other side.  "Look at the dates, some of them were from back when she and Dad were married."

"And some of them were from before she knew your father," Grandma added.

"She really worked hard, didn't she?"  I scanned the list of jobs, dates, and places.  Not all of them were at the same time, but there were some places where two, or at one point even three, jobs had overlapped.

"Well, she had someone worth working for."  Grandma patted Kouichi's shoulder, causing him to blush.

As the days turned into weeks, the final exams were drawing closer and closer.  This meant a lot of study sessions, by myself or with Kouichi and Grandma at the hospital, or if visiting hours were over with Kouichi and Mom at their apartment.  It also meant that I had a good excuse to stay at "Satoshi's" house and away from Dad and Satomi.  They didn't like it, but it really didn't matter.  I was studying and that was enough.

It had been two weeks since Grandma's diagnosis, and just under three weeks since the day I had gone up to the attic and had found out about the rest of my family.  After a long Aikido practice, most of the other students tended to leave right away to talk and be social before they went off to study or do homework.  I personally tended to take my time taking a shower and getting dressed afterwards.  In fact, I was just pulling my shirt on again when one of the other students came through the changing room door.

"Hey, Minamoto, there's a boy sitting outside who kinda looks like you."

I felt myself stiffen.  No, it _couldn_ 't be...what was _he_ doing here?  Didn't Kouichi know there were people here that _knew my parents?_ I realized that I hadn't specifically forbidden Kouichi from coming anywhere near my home or school, but I hadn't mentioned the subject, either.  How had he known where I took Aikido?  Grandma, she must have told him.  She'd been curious about the Aikido lessons, and I'd told her all about the studio.  But, that didn't answer the question of what my brother was doing there in the first place.

"Is he related to you?"  Asahina asked, looking curiously at my face.  I didn't bother answering him, but quickly finished getting dressed, then grabbed my jacket and stormed out of the changing room with a confused Asahina bobbing in my wake.

A dozen or so of my fellow students, about half of the class, were clustered in small groups in front of the studio, chattering away.  I looked past them, to a nearby set of benches.  Sure enough Kouichi sat on one, buried in a book with a backpack lying beside him.  His hat concealed most of his face, but every time someone walked past he peered up over the book, as if he was looking for someone...

I scowled and wound my way through the other students to get to the bench.  Kouichi's blue eyes showed up from behind the book, then his face showed relief as he put the book down and dropped some of the "I'm not here" aura.

"What are you doing here?"  Try as I might, I couldn't keep my temper out of my voice.  Kouichi flinched and looked down, but didn't move.

"It was Grandma's idea.  She said we should study together since the finals are coming up..."

"We can study just as easily at the hospital."

"Grandma's getting some tests run to see if there's any improvement.  We can't go to the hospital, so we're going to have to go home, or to the library.  That's why Grandma sent me here.  Your phone was off, and there was no time to tell you."

I rolled my eyes in exasperation.  "Fine, but we're going to the library by _your_ place.  Now let's get out of here before anyone sees you."

I turned to go, only to see Asahina standing behind me.  Behind him, I could see the other Aikido students looking at Kouichi curiously.

"Hey Minamoto, who's that?"

I ignored him and pushed past the crowd, then turned to see if Kouichi had kept up.  He hadn't, because Asahina and the rest had surrounded him and were pestering him with questions.

"Are you Minamoto's brother?"

"Rei, Minamoto doesn't have a brother.  He must be his cousin or something."

"Where did you come from?"

"You look so much like Minamoto, who _are_ you?"

Kouichi clammed up and started projecting his "I'm not here" aura again, but at that point it didn't make much difference.  The other kids had already noticed him, and probably wouldn't leave him alone until they got some answers, or at least all remarked about how much he looked like me.  These people were all the same!  I scowled irritably, then pushed my way through the crowd, threw my arm around his shoulders, and guided him back out again.  The other kids didn't follow, probably intimidated by the frosty glare I gave all of them.  Only when they were out of sight did I relax and take my arm off Kouichi's shoulder.  It took a moment for my skin to stop crawling at the unfamiliar contact.

"Kouji?"

Kouichi had stopped walking, and was staring at me with a perplexed expression on his face.

"What?"

"Th-thanks for getting me out of there."

"You're welcome."

He nodded, but didn't move.

"I was wondering...why didn't you want anyone to see me?  I understand that the other kids were curious about me, but you didn't look too happy that I was there in the first place.  It's not like your parents were there or anything."

"They weren't."  I stuffed my hands into my pockets.  "But their parents know mine, and if one of them told their parents that there was a boy who looked like me there, their parents might have told Dad or Satomi."

"You still haven't told your parents about me?"  Kouichi's expression was worried now.  "It just doesn't feel right to keep it from them like this..."

"Neither does telling me that my mother's dead," I retorted.

Kouichi was silent for a moment.

"I think you should," he finally said.  "Even if I never actually see them, they deserve to know me, the same way Mom deserved to know you."

"It isn't any of your business, big brother."

"Oh, so _you_ can walk into _my_ life any time you want, but _I_ can't go see what _your_ life is like?"

I turned to glare at my brother, only to be met by an equally intense stare from the eyes that mirrored my own.

"Look, Kouji.  The truth is that I don't _care_ about meeting my father.  I have Mom and Grandma, and now you, and that's all I really need.  But, you can't keep the fact that you know about me a secret forever."

"Do you think I don't know that?"  I snapped.  "I'll tell them when I'm ready, I'm just not ready yet."

_If I was ever ready,_ I reflected bitterly.

Kouichi tore his gaze from mine, letting it settle on the ground.

"I know...I said I wouldn't force you, didn't I?  I just think you should tell them soon, before they find out themselves."

And with that, he turned and walked off in the direction of the train station.

Studying at the library with Kouichi was somehow different from all the other times we had studied together.  He seemed to be having trouble focusing and constantly switched between subjects as if realizing it was a futile effort.

"Need a break, big brother?"  I finally asked as he shuffled through his math book for the fiftieth time.

"Yeah..." Kouichi slumped back in his seat.  "I just can't concentrate."

"Because of Grandma?"

His shoulders stiffened, but he didn't say anything.

"How long are those tests at the hospital supposed to take?"  I asked.

"About an hour..."

"Maybe we can go visit her?  Her tests should be over by now, right?  She can help with studying."

When we got to the hospital however, it was to find our grandmother asleep in her bed in a darkened room.

"Okay, so coming here wasn't such a great idea after all," I whispered.  "Maybe we should just study at your place."

"Just a second."  Kouichi pulled something out of his pocket, then slipped inside and placed it by Grandma's side.  For one instant I thought I could see all the fear, sadness, and pain he was no doubt keeping bottled up inside himself on his face, even though the room was too dark to see clearly.  Then the moment passed and he was back to his normal self.

"Are you okay?"  I asked as he closed the door behind him.

"Yeah...fine"

He clearly _wasn't_ fine, but the small smile on his face didn't show it.  I wanted to call him out on it but decided that there were better times, and far better places, to do it.  Maybe Grandma could help me, I made up my mind to call her that night.  Hopefully she'd be awake by then.

"What were you doing in there?"

"I bought some cookies on the way to see you.  I thought she'd like them."

"I'm sure she will."  I put my hands in my pocket.  "Let's go."

When we got to Mom's apartment, Kouichi swiftly buried himself in preparations for dinner rather than in studying.  He pulled a cutting board out of a nearby cabinet, then some beef from the refrigerator.  I frowned.  That was unusual; normally he'd study with me instead of getting right into dinner preparations.  He'd had trouble studying back at the library, and he'd never seemed to have any trouble studying before.  What was going on?  Had something happened to Grandma or Mom that I didn't know about?  Or was the stress from everything just getting to him?  I had to do something about it, maybe let him know he wasn't alone in all this somehow.  I remembered that conversation we'd had the day I'd met Grandma.  Hadn't Kouichi said something about teaching me to cook?

"Hey big brother, I was wondering..."

Kouichi looked up from the beef he was cutting.  "Huh?"

"You said you could teach me how to cook that time, maybe we can start now."

He hesitated.

"I think Mom will enjoy her food more if it comes from both of us," I continued.  "And if I can learn to cook, we can make something really special for Grandma."

His eyes darkened a bit, I suspected it was partly from the jealousy he still had for me.  Still, he put the knife down and moved away from the cutting board.

"Here.  You can start by cutting the beef for me while I get the rice ready."

Kouichi was a surprisingly good teacher.  He had far more patience than I did for one thing, and his soft-spoken words encouraged, rather than discouraged.  He attributed all of his success to his own teacher.

"I wish Grandma was here," he said as we cleaned up the mess afterwards.  "I can make teriyaki without messing it up, but hers always came out perfect."

"My stepmother's a good cook, too," I replied, only to see him staring at me again.  "What?"

"Your stepmom likes to cook?"

"Yeah.  She's mainly good with desserts."

"What's your favorite?"

I thought about it.  "Her apple pie, she always makes it for parties and picnics."

Kouichi looked down at the table.  "I haven't tried to make pie yet. Maybe if- _when_ Grandma's better I can ask her to teach me how to make one."

I was very close to telling him that Satomi could, then remembered all the anger I felt at her and Dad.  No, that wasn't happening.  Maybe I could ask her to make a pie for "Satoshi" and his family, instead.  In fact, maybe I could even ask her to teach me how to make one.

Kouichi wasn't the only one who seemed to be out of it that day; Mom was more interested in poking at her food than eating it.  Come to think of it, she seemed to be thinner than she had when I had first met her.  Kouichi, too.

"Mom, have you tried the teriyaki yet?"  My brother had noticed Mom's lack of appetite, too.  "It's really good."

"It is, sweetie..."

"Then how come I haven't seen you lift the fork to your mouth?"  I asked pointedly.  "Kouichi and I didn't make dinner for you so you could just push it around the plate."

Mom's eyes widened, and she looked down.

"I'm sorry, sweetie.  I should be starving after a long day at work, but I'm just not hungry.  I keep thinking about your Grandma..."

"I'm worried about her, too."  Kouichi got up and threw his arms around Mom's shoulders.  "We're both...we're _all_ doing our best to make things work without Grandma, but it's so hard to do anything without worrying about her."

"It's even harder to watch both of you get affected by it," I added.

"I know..." Kouichi's eyes darkened before he resumed talking.  "Look, Grandma won't be happy if you don't eat.  So for her sake..." He used his chopsticks to pick up a piece of the teriyaki.

"Open wide."

Mom burst out laughing.

When I got home, I was quickly flattened by an enthusiastic Raiko.  I felt guilt at not being able to spend as much time with her as I wanted, but as much as I wished take her to my Mom's place to meet her and Kouichi, dogs weren't allowed on the subway.

"Kouji, is that you?"  Dad asked as I walked through the living room.  He was on the couch, watching TV.  I could see Satomi beyond him in her workroom, working on the computer.

"You were at Satoshi's again?"  Dad continued.

"Studying for finals next week."  I shrugged.  He nodded, then turned his attention back to the TV.

"How's Satoshi's grandmother doing?"  Satomi had turned away from her computer and now looked at me through the open door.  I sighed.

"Not well.  She's really sick, and the doctors are saying she might not survive."

Satomi's eyes widened.  "Oh, no...he must be devastated."

I stifled the urge to snort at the understatement.  "His family's taking this as well as they can."

Dad had stopped looking at the television and now stared at me, a thoughtful expression on his face.  Did he suspect anything?  No, that was foolish.  How could he know "Satoshi" was his other son?  I transferred my gaze to Satomi, who was walking out of her workroom.

"Is there something I can do to help?"  She asked.

"Could you..." The very words felt awkward coming out of my mouth.  "Make a pie for his family?  I was just telling him earlier that your pies were the best."

A blush spread down her face.  "Well I wouldn't say they're the best, but I could make one on the weekend."

"Could I help?"

There was a shocked silence, broken only by the sound of the television.  Dad and Satomi both gaped at me, completely dumbfounded.  Then Satomi's eyes lit up with delight.

"O-of course!  I'd be happy to have you help, Kouji.  I just never thought you'd be interested in cooking after that time with the noodles."

I snorted.  "That was an accident.  But, I think Satoshi'd like it more if I helped to make it."

"I think he'll love it," Satomi said.  "What kind of pie do you think he'd like the most?"

"Make it an apple pie.  That was always my favorite."

"You never told me that!"

I felt my face growing hot under her gaze.  Why was I blushing?  I wasn't doing this for her, I was doing it for Mom and Kouichi.

"I just did," I grumbled as I put my hands into my pockets.

She actually laughed at that.  "That's true.  Okay, this weekend we'll make him some apple pie."

"Yeah..." I headed up the stairs.  Once there, I flopped onto my bed.  I had always thought that Satomi's cooking was part of her plan to take over as my mother, it had been something that had stuck with me ever since she had married Dad.

However, ever since I had met my birth mother I had seen some of the few assumptions I'd had about her get torn to shreds.  Who was to say the same thing wasn't true about my stepmother?  Perhaps if I talked to her for longer than a minute, she would tell me that she wasn't taking over my mother's position, and that she had no idea that my mother was still alive or that I had a brother...

Then again, who was to say the opposite wasn't true and she not only knew about Mom and Kouichi, but knew it all along?  I rolled over to look at the old picture of my mother on my dresser.  She looked so bright then, compared to how she was now.  Not unhappy, just worn away.  As if all the color had faded out of her life.  I thought of the expression on Kouichi's face as he looked down at Grandma.  All the sadness, loneliness, fear, and pain, as if he couldn't take any more of it.  What was it Grandma had said? That he'd keep any negative emotions bottled up inside him because he thought that showing them would make things worse for everyone?  But, it was hurting him, even though he wouldn't admit it.  I had to do something about it.

I closed the door to make sure there was no way Dad or Satomi could overhear the conversation, then dialed the number to Grandma's hospital room.  I hoped she would be awake, or if not would forgive me for disturbing her sleep.  Thankfully, she was awake.

"Grandma, I hope I didn't wake you up."

"Actually, the nurse already did that when she brought my dinner.  And confiscated the cookies I'm guessing you two brought.  What's up?"

"It's about Kouichi..."

"Did you two get into a fight?"

"No, I'm just worried about him.  He's been..." I struggled to find the right words.  "More stressed than usual lately.  I know part of it's because of finals, and he's also worried about you.  He's...I don't know how to describe it."

"Hurting?"

I thought about it.  "Yeah, I think that might be it.  Any ideas about how I can help him?"

Grandma was silent for a moment.  "You already know he's not very good at showing his negative emotions.  He'll either let them go gradually as time passes, or he'll reach his breaking point and unleash them on the person who made him 'pop'."

"So how do we get him to let go?"

"I've been trying to get him to let go of his emotions for the past two weeks, but it hasn't worked so far.  He's become far too good at smiling and thanking me and saying he'll be all right, then slipping off with his burden.  I think I'm going to need your help for this."

I snorted.  "Do you really think I'm going to refuse to help my brother?"

"You haven't heard what I'm trying to do yet.  I'll try talking to him again tomorrow, but if that doesn't work..." She took a deep breath.  "I'd like you to make him go 'pop.'"

_"What?"_

"If he can't let go of his emotions gradually, then we have no choice but to make him lose them all at once.  He'll blow up at you.  It's a temporary solution, since we can't get rid of all the things that caused him to be so stressed in the first place, but it's better than just standing there and letting him keep his pain to himself."

"Why me?"

"Because you two haven't had time to get used to each other.  He sees you as a stranger, therefore it will be easier for him to blow up at you than it will if it were me.  It will be easier for you both to recover from it, since you don't know each other well.  And since you don't know him very well, it'll be harder for him to get away by smiling and saying he's all right."

It was insane, irrational, audacious-there was no way I could just bait my brother into exploding at me.  And yet, the pain in Kouichi's eyes gave me no doubt that if I didn't, he would continue to suffer.  As much as it pained me to admit it, I didn't think the circumstances would let Kouichi unwind gradually.  If left to his own devices, he would take out his pain on the unlucky person who took a wrong step in the minefield of emotions.

What if that person was a _teacher?_

"All right," I said reluctantly.  "I'll do it. But if he hates me afterwards..."

"Then it's my fault, not yours.  Kouichi isn't really one to hold a grudge anyway.  He's too sweet for that.  So, I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I'll see you."

I hung up the phone and lay back on my bed, staring at the ceiling.  I hoped that it was true that Kouichi wouldn't hold anything against me, but it didn't matter.  It didn't matter if he was angry at me for the rest of his life.  He needed to unburden himself. He _needed_ this...

So why did I feel so guilty over hurting him?


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

I went through school the next day, but my mind wasn't on my work.  How could I provoke Kouichi into losing his temper?  While I hadn't known him for very long, the thought of deliberately making my brother angry felt like a betrayal.  I would be hurting him, how could I hurt the brother who had smiled shyly at me when we had made dinner last night?  Then I remembered the pain in his eyes when he had looked down at Grandma.  If Grandma was right, then Kouichi was hiding all his pain, anger, and fear deep inside of him, and when those emotions got to be too much, then, Kouichi was going to lose his temper, and take that pain, anger, and fear out on the person who set him off.

And the possibility of that someone being one of his _teachers_ was too strong to ignore.

It was a good thing that the actual finals weren't until after the weekend, I reflected as I went through the motions of school.  At least Kouichi and I both had plenty of time to study afterwards.

School _finally_ got out, and I started walking through the crowd of other kids to the train station so I could get to the hospital.  Maybe I wouldn't need to make my brother angry, Grandma had said that she would try talking to him...maybe she could talk Kouichi into unburdening himself.  After all, she knew him better than anyone else except for Mom. Maybe...

"Minamoto!"

I looked up to see two of my fellow Aikido students, Rei Uehara and Shin Nakamura standing just outside the crowd in front of me.  Though I didn't share a class with either of them, I at least knew them by sight.  They were best friends, and usually hung out together.

"Who was that boy you were with yesterday?  Is he your cousin or something?"  Uehara asked.

"No."  Of course, they _would_ be curious about Kouichi.  Why did they insist in poking their long noses into my private business?

"Oh," Uehara paused for a second.  "Who is he, then?"

I walked right on by them.  "None of your business."

"You're such a snob," Nakamura said.  "You never hang out with any of us, you never talk to us, then a mysterious boy who looks almost exactly like you shows up out of nowhere, and it's none of our business?"

"That's what I said."

"C'mon Shin," Uehara said.  "We can just ask Minamoto's parents."

I felt the blood drain from my face and whirled to face them.  "You tell them _anything_ , and I won't wait until Aikido class to beat you up!"

Both boys froze.  Nakamura managed to find his voice first.

"You can't just strike first, Minamoto.  That's breaking the first rule of Aikido."

"Yeah," Uehara agreed.  "Never strike first, always respond."

"Who says I'm using Aikido?"  I asked.  "I took two years of Karate, one year of Kendo, plus two years of gymnastics. I'm not afraid of getting my hands dirty, and I _will_ if you mention that boy to my parents."

"O-okay, Minamoto, we get the message."  Nakamura backed away slowly.  "You don't have to threaten us."

I hesitated.  What was I _doing_?  I was threatening a _classmate_...if Uehara and Nakamura hadn't backed down, my father and stepmother finding out that I knew Kouichi would have been the _least_ of my problems...

I sighed.  "No, I'm the one who should be apologizing.  It's not your fault, I've been going through a lot lately.  If you really want to know who he is, I'll tell you.  But not here, over in the park across the street from the train station."

The park was quiet compared to the hubbub of school.  I had often come there after school on days when I hadn't had Aikido to relax, since it was relatively out of the way.  I walked up the path, leading Uehara and Nakamura to a set of metal benches and sat down on one.  After looking at each other nervously, they sat down on the other.

"Kouichi isn't my cousin," I began awkwardly.  "He's my brother."

"Wait, I thought you were an only child!"  Uehara protested.  "And Shin told me your Mom had died..."

"That's what Dad told me.  But, I found out that he lied, my parents got divorced when we were very little, and split us up."

"So, that's why you don't want us to tell your Dad?"  Nakamura asked.  "Because you think he's going to keep you away from your brother if he finds out?"

I rolled my eyes.  "No, it's because Dad kept Mom and Kouichi secret from me for so long.  I thought that if he wanted secrets, he'd get them."  I stood up.  "And now you know _my_ big secret."

"Wait, you're leaving already?  But..." Uehara closed his mouth as I glared at him.  Nakamura got to his feet.

"Are you going to see your brother?"

"Yeah.  I need to talk to him about something."

"Oh."  Nakamura paused.  "Hey, when you see him, tell him he's welcome around the studio.  I promise we won't crowd him again like we did last time."

I looked over my shoulder at them.  Were they offering to become friends with Kouichi?  As much as it pained me to admit, my brother needed other people, not just me.  Maybe if I talked him into coming around more often, he would smile more and talk more.

"I'll tell him," I said.

Jikei hospital was somehow more brooding than usual, if a hospital on a bright day with good weather could be called "brooding."  I sighed and shook my head.  Why was I so scared to confront Kouichi about keeping his emotions bottled in?  It wasn't like I was deliberately scarring him for life.  Right?

Kouichi was, as usual, already in Grandma's room.  He was buried in a newspaper, no doubt trying to find a good job for Mom.  His hat lay on Grandma's bed in front of him.

"Kouji!"  Grandma caught my attention.  "How was school?"

I shrugged. "Not bad."  Aside from nearly getting into a fight over something that was probably not worth it...

"That's nice."  Grandma picked up a tray which was sitting next to her and turned to my brother.  "Kouichi, sweetie, could you take this down to the cafeteria for me?"

He nodded, then took the tray from her and walked to the door, gently pushing by me with a softly mumbled "Excuse me."  As soon as he was gone, the smile faded from Grandma's face.

"That boy is the sweetest, _stubbornest_ kid I have ever known," she said in a low and tired voice, as if she was talking to herself.

"I take it your talk with him didn't go so well?"  I asked, feeling my stomach sink as I walked over to her bed.

"No.  He just smiled at me and said I didn't have to worry about him, he'd be all right."  Grandma sighed wearily.  "He's so sweet that it's very hard for me to really push him into showing his negative emotions.  That's why I want _you_ to talk to him."

"What makes you think I'll do any better?  I barely even know him!"

"You stood up to your mother that time, didn't you?  Kouichi told me about how you were able to talk her into finally getting some rest when not even _I_ could.  It really impressed him, although he was too shy to admit it to you.  He respects you for it, and if anyone could persuade him that it's okay to cry and get angry and let his feelings out, it's you."

I frowned.  True, I'd been able to tell Mom to take a break, but I'd had Kouichi there to back me up.  This wasn't going to be the same...

"You'll do fine," Grandma said.  "He might explode and take it out on you, but he won't hold anything against you.  He respects you too much."

Five minutes later, Kouichi walked back in.  I hesitated as he sat back down again and picked up the newspaper, only to catch a pointed nudge from Grandma.  There was no way to get out of this...I might as well get it over with.  I took a deep breath.

"Big brother, we need to talk."

A blue eye peered around the paper.

"Huh?"

"I've noticed that you've been really stressed lately, and I don't think it's very healthy for you."

The eye pulled back where it had come from.

"I'm fine, Kouji.  You don't have to worry about me."

"I already am."

His shoulders stiffened, but he said nothing.

"You aren't 'fine,' you're _hurting_ inside.  You're sad, lonely, and afraid, but you're too scared that you'll make it worse for everyone if you ever show it."

He still didn't respond, but I saw his hands tighten their grip around the paper.

"I can feel it," I continued relentlessly.  "We're connected because we're twins.  You're _suffering_ , big brother!  All that pain is hurting you even _more_ because you're too afraid to show it!"

Kouichi put the newspaper down in a motion that seemed closer to slamming than mere dropping.  His eyes blazed with barely contained rage as he got up and headed for the door.  I got to my feet, and followed him out into the hall.  Kouichi was slumped against the wall outside Grandma's room, as if hoping I wouldn't push him any further.

"Are you going to run, big brother?"

"Leave me alone!"  Kouichi's eyes flashed angrily again, and he turned and quickly walked down the hall.  He wasn't _quite_ running, but the message was pretty clear.  He looked back once to see if I was following, then realized that I _was_ and broke into an actual run.  Aside from the elevator, the only way out of the building was a set of emergency stairs at the other end of the hall.  Kouichi managed to make it into the stairwell, but I grabbed the door before he could slam it behind him.

"You're just running away from your pain, that won't make it stop."  I stepped into the stairwell myself and closed the door behind me.

"You're one to talk..." Kouichi's voice was breathless from his recent sprint.  "You can't even tell Dad you know about me and Mom!"

"That's different..."

" _How_ is it different? How can you tell me _I'm_ doing something wrong when _you're_ doing the exact same thing?"

I wanted to tell him that they weren't the same, but the words never came.  Kouichi glared at me for a moment, waiting for a response, then when I didn't turned and went down the stairs.

"You aren't getting away that easy!"  I ran down the stairs to catch up with him.  "Look big brother, I'm trying to help you! I'm trying to say that it's okay to cry and get angry once in a while.  You won't hurt anyone by doing it, no matter what you think."

"I told you you don't have to worry about me, I'm _fine_!"

"Kouichi, that's not _'fine.'_   You need to let your feelings out!"

Kouichi whirled and glared up at me from the next floor's landing.  I glared right back and continued my advance down to the final stair, then onto the landing.

"Why do I have to listen to you?  You aren't my mother!"  His voice rose to a shout.  "You don't know me, _you don't know me!_ "

"Maybe if you showed your feelings a bit more I would," I retorted bitterly.

Kouichi moved faster than I thought he would, and pushed me with a ferocity that I never knew he had.  I was caught completely off balance, and fell to the floor.  Fortunately I wasn't anywhere the edge of the stairs, and my martial arts training kicked in, allowing me to take the fall safely.  I had known Kouichi had been close to erupting, but I hadn't expected him to get physical like that.  A strangled gasp made me look up.  Kouichi hadn't moved from where he had pushed me, but his hands were trembling.  His eyes were wide in pure terror as the trembling expanded to his whole body.

"N-No, I didn't mean it..."

He staggered back, as if I was some monstrous thing about to lunge for him, but he was shaking so badly that he lost his balance and fell onto his backside.  I slowly pulled myself to my feet.  Kouichi gasped and pulled himself back against the wall of the landing, reminding me of some kind of trapped animal.

"I didn't mean it..." he choked out a sob.  "I'm sorry, _I'm sorry_..."

I took a tentative step towards him.

"No, get away, I'll just hurt you.. _.I'll hurt you_..." Another sob escaped his throat.  "I _already_ hurt you...I'm sorry, I..."

I crossed the remaining space between us, causing Kouichi to pull back as close to the wall as he could, burying his face in his knees as his ragged sobs filled the air.  What was he expecting me to do?  Get angry?  _Hurt_ him because he had finally lost his temper?  I listened to the stifled sobs, which sounded almost as if even in the act of letting go, he was holding back.  Grandma wanted him to 'explode,' but she'd never told me what to do after the explosion.  I struggled to find words to say; should I encourage him?  Should I place all the blame on myself or even _Grandma?_

But, in the end words didn't matter, did they?

I sat down next to Kouichi and wrapped my arm around his shoulders.  He stiffened, and for a moment the only movement was his body shaking.  Then there was another sob and my brother's arms wrapped around my chest, his head buried itself somewhere in my midriff, and the sobbing increased as he finally let go.  I felt my body tingling in protest to the "stranger's" touch, but did not move.  I wanted to say something, _anything_ to help him, but once again words failed me.  The only thing I could do was hold Kouichi tightly, which didn't stop the shaking or sobbing, but it at least made me feel like I was doing _something_.  I was glad that the stairs weren't used as often as the elevator, it would be very awkward for someone to walk in on us just then.

I couldn't tell you how long Kouichi cried; for me, it felt like hours.  Every heartrending sob and wail stabbed me in my own heart until I felt as emotionally drained as he no doubt did.  Eventually the sobs died down to soft gurgles and hiccups, even though his body still shook.

"I-I'm sorry, Kouji."  The cracked near-whisper caught on another sob as the hands around me tightened a little.

"You already apologized."

"B-But, I _h-hurt_ you!"

"And you apologized for it already.  There's no need to do it again.  Why are you so afraid of hurting me?"

Kouichi was silent for a moment before finally speaking again.

"I th-think I was about six, I can't remember."  His voice caught on another sob.  "I got into a fight with a boy at school...h-he was picking on me, and I finally snapped and h-hit him.  H-he was crying, and everyone was s-so _angry_ at me, and they c-called Mom in.  She w-was working at t-the time, and them calling her in..."

He shuddered and took a deep breath.

"Meant she c-couldn't work, and th-that cost us money.  She was so d-disappointed...all I did w-was c-cause trouble for everyone, and it was _all my fault!_ I c-couldn't control myself!  I kn-knew that if I ever lost control again, it would c-cause even more trouble, so I stopped showing how a-angry I was."

"That might have made the problem worse," I said.

"I _know_ it did," His head leaned against my chest.  "When Gr-Grandma went to the hospital the first time, Mom was so sad.  And Grandma was so sad because sh-she couldn't be with us.  I didn't want to m-make things any worse for them, so I st-stopped showing how sad and scared I was...and by the time you came along, it was a habit."

I said nothing, but tightened my arm around him.  We were both silent for another minute.

"I'm so scared, Kouji.  What if G-Grandma never gets better?"  The words ended in a choked sob.  "What if she _dies?_   What h-happens to us then?"

I thought about it for a minute.  "If she does, then at least she'll have lived a good life."

"But..."

"You and I visit her all the time.  Mom too, when she can.  It's not like she spends all her days alone; Grandma knows she's loved because we all stay with her, she couldn't ask for more than that."

He didn't respond, but I felt fresh tears dripping onto my shirt.

"Look big brother, if just thinking about Grandma dying hurts you, then she's done her job right."

"Grandma...s-she's probably worried about me..." Kouichi attempted to pull himself up, but he was unsteady and had to lean against the wall.  I snorted.

"Big brother, you don't have to get up.  Here."  I pulled out my phone and found the number to Grandma's room on my contact list, hit the dial button, then passed it to him.  He hesitated for a moment, then took it just as Grandma apparently picked up.

"Hi Grandma. It-it's me."  He choked on a slight sob, then: "No, I'm fine. I...I just got something off my chest."  He paused. "Kouji?  Yeah, he's with me.  H-he was helping me out."  Another pause.  "I know, we'll be up soon, Grandma.  Yeah, see you."

Kouichi hung up my phone, then leaned his head against the wall.  The pain and fear in his eyes was obvious now that it was no longer hidden.

"She sounded so _tired,_ " he mumbled softly.  I put a protective arm around him as another sob escaped him.  He leaned his head against my chest again and wrapped his arms around me.

"Just let it all out, big brother.  It's better to only hurt for a while than to keep it inside and always be hurting."

He lay like that for a few more minutes, sobs shaking his body again, but not as badly as before.  Then I felt his body relaxing and finally going limp.  I had almost thought he'd fallen asleep when he spoke up.

"Kouji?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you..." Kouichi finally pulled himself off me.  "You were right, I needed that."

"Any time, big brother, and I mean that.  I won't let you keep your pain buried until it hurts you again."  I leaned against the wall as we both pulled ourselves to our feet, only for me to stumble on legs that had long since gone numb from a combination of sitting too long and Kouichi's weight lying on top of them.  A gentle hand grabbed my shoulder to steady me before I could fall.  I looked up just in time to see the shy smile quickly fall off my brother's face as the hand quickly left my shoulder.

"S-sorry, I forgot," he said as if also forgetting that he'd just spent a long amount of time leaning on me.

I snorted.  "What's to apologize for?  You saved me from falling.  Besides, if we're going to be brothers I might as well get used to your touch."

His eyes widened, then darted down to the floor as he blushed.

"C'mon," I turned to the stairs.  "Let's get back and make sure Grandma doesn't miss us."

"Kouji?"

I turned back.  "Hmm?"

"About...your parents..."

"I know.  Can I at least wait until after finals to tell them?  Things are already hectic enough that getting you involved is a bit more than I can handle right now."

I was just making excuses again, I realized.

"Promise me..." His eyes were on mine now.  "Promise me you'll tell them when your finals are over."

I hesitated.  I didn't want to tell Dad and Satomi that I knew about Kouichi and Mom, what could he do to me if I refused?  Tell Mom or Grandma?  Find his way to my home to tell Dad himself?  Knowing Kouichi, that would take a lot of guts, but if he wanted to badly enough then he would tell them.  Besides, maybe I really _was_ burying my secrets in the same way that Kouichi had buried his emotions...

In the same way that Dad had buried all thought of Mom and Kouichi...

"I promise," I finally said.  "I promise I'll tell them as soon as I get out of my last exam."

His face brightened, and in spite of the red eyes and tear marks all over his face, that sweet shy smile of his somehow made everything okay again.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

On the surface, nothing had changed about Kouichi in the days following our fight.  He still hid behind his books, and he still went to his hiding place whenever he wanted to be alone.  It was still hard for him to talk to me.  And yet, everything _had_ changed; he talked to me more when we were alone, about subjects he would have avoided before.  He spoke more about how _scared_ he was, how Grandma seemed more and more tired every day, how hard his tests at school were and how much he wished he could do more to help Mom out.  He didn't bring up the promise I'd given him, that I would tell Dad and Satomi that I knew about him and Mom, but I could see that he was thinking about it.

The day had finally come.  The last tests had been taken in by my teachers, and I had a month to relax on vacation.  That was what I told myself, anyway.  The truth was that I was reluctant to tell Dad about everything, partly because I didn't know how he'd react.  What was the worst my father could do to me?  Ground me?  Forbid me to see anyone in my mother's side of the family?  That wouldn't work, of course.  The other reason I was so reluctant to tell Dad was because it was my secret.  Something Dad couldn't take away from me or try to replace like he'd tried replacing Mom with Satomi.

Raiko enthusiastically greeted me at the door, adding guilt to the brew of emotions swirling around inside of me.  I hadn't been able to walk her as much as before I met Mom.  Well, Dad wouldn't get back from his job for another half-hour, and I wanted to wait until after I told Dad about my little secret before telling Satomi.  Maybe walking Raiko would help me calm down.  I picked up Raiko's leash, causing her to start jumping up and down in excitement.

"Hey, you'll wear yourself out before we even get started."  I ruffled her ears, then winced as she barked in excitement.  Satomi was probably in her workroom, and I didn't want to disturb her.  I didn't want to talk to her, either...but that could wait until after I told Dad.

By the time I got back, Dad's car was already in the driveway.  I didn't see him in the living room when I entered and took Raiko's leash off her, I guessed that he was probably outside working on his garden.  Gardening was Dad's main hobby; when it wasn't winter, he could usually be found in the backyard taking care of his fruit and vegetable plants.  Especially on a bright, clear day like this one.  Sure enough, he was outside on his hands and knees pulling weeds.

I took a deep breath. I was going to do this, right?  I had promised Kouichi after all...I clenched my fists and pushed the back door open.

"Dad?"

He looked up.

"Hmm?"

"I need to talk to you."

A slightly pained expression flickered across Dad's face for a moment, but he got up and headed over to the bench by the garden, taking his gloves and sun hat off as he sat down patting the bench next to him in an indication that I was to sit next to him.  I scowled but complied.  How was I going to say this?  What could I say to the man who denied the existence of his own son for so long, and told me that my mother was dead?

"It's about your mother, right?"  Dad asked unexpectedly.

I whirled to glare at him.  How did he know?  How could he possibly know?  He couldn't have stumbled across the envelope of pictures I had opened.  That left someone telling him-no, it _couldn't_ have been Kouichi.  He'd told me he wouldn't say anything...would he?  No, I'd forgotten about Grandma.  She knew where we were well enough to send pictures of Kouichi every time we'd moved.  Why wouldn't she look up our phone number?

"Your mother called me the night your grandmother was diagnosed with bacterima," Dad said as the silence between us stretched.  Then I exploded.

"How could you say that so _casually?_   You _lied_ to me!  You've been lying to me from the beginning.  How could you tell me that Mom was dead when she _wasn't?_ "

"I wanted to tell you every day, but something always got in the way."

"Something always got in the _way?!_ "

"I felt you weren't old enough, or we didn't live close enough.  In fact, I almost told you I knew after your mother called me, but I decided it might be easier if I waited until you said something..."

"That's no excuse!"  Feelings of rage coursed through me.  How could he hurt me like that?  What kind of selfish father kept his son from his mother?

"I know."

Ice cold replaced the rage.  "You really _are_ a coward."

"You're right," Dad said firmly.  "I am.  I couldn't face the mistakes I made, so I lied to you."

"Then I guess we're done here."  Kouichi had wanted me to tell Dad, and I had told him.  I got up and walked back to the house, pausing only to pull my phone out of my pocket.  My brother would be at the hospital right now, visiting Grandma.  I pulled up the number to her room.

"Hi, Grandma," I said when she picked up.  "Is Kouichi there?  I need to talk to him."

"He's right here," Grandma told me.  "He said you might call."  There was coughing over the line as the phone changed hands, most likely Grandma.

"You told him?"  Kouichi's soft voice sounded relieved.  "How did it go?"

"He already knew.  Mom told him."

"Mom did?"

"Yeah.  And...it wasn't pleasant.  I'm coming over to the hospital."

There was a slight pause.

"Would you like to sleep at our apartment tonight?  You can use Grandma's futon.  I'm pretty sure Mom will say yes, if Dad says yes."

I felt my grip tighten on the phone.

"I don't need his permission to go anywhere."

"Yeah, but..." He sighed.  "Don't forget to call him later tonight."

"Right."  I hung up the phone and went upstairs to grab my backpack and put the things I needed in it: Pajamas, clothing for the next day, toothbrush and toothpaste.  Then I threw the backpack over my shoulder and went downstairs.  Dad was sitting on the couch as I went by.

"Going to your mother's?" He asked, eyeing the backpack.

I didn't bother to respond.

"Tell her I said 'hi,'" he continued.  "Your grandmother, too.  I'll probably see you tomorrow?"

I slammed the door behind me.

The trip to the hospital was uneventful, and I soon knocked on the door to Grandma's room.  This time Kouichi opened it before I could let myself in.

"You made it," he said with that shy smile of his.

"Yeah..." I pulled my backpack off and put it down on the floor.  "Are you sure Mom will agree to having me overnight?"

Grandma snorted.  "Why not?  You're over there every day, and it's not like you have school in the morning."

Kouichi nodded in agreement.

I sighed and sat down in a nearby chair.  "Well, if you two insist.  How's the job hunt going?"  
Kouichi pulled a section of newspaper with some ads circled on it out from under some library books

"Well, that last place Mom interviewed at is out.  They offered her the job, but the pay rate is pretty lousy.  But, I found a couple of new ones this morning, one of them is a bit far, but they offer flexible hours and insurance..."

We spent the rest of the afternoon looking through papers for a job for Mom, finding one or two more potentials to show to her so she could apply for them.  Then it was off to Mom's apartment to make dinner.

"I think we should do udon for dinner," Kouichi commented as we arrived.  "We haven't had that in a while, and Mom just bought some noodles."

"Udon sounds good," I shrugged.  "As long as I'm not the one who has to do the actual cooking, it'll taste good."

"It's not so bad as long as you follow the recipe and watch the clock."  He paused thoughtfully.  "So, what really happened?  With Dad, I mean?"

I slumped down onto the couch.

"I told him, then he said he already knew.  He was waiting for me to tell him on my own time."

"What about your stepmother?  Did she know?"

"No idea.  I was angry at Dad, so I left just after I told him."

Kouichi turned back from the cupboard, his face showing unease.

"What?"  I demanded

"Shouldn't you be concerned?  I mean, he might have lied to her, too."

"It's not my business if he lied to her," I shrugged, ignoring my conscience's protest.

"You promised you'd tell _both_ of them, didn't you?"

"I..."

"Well?"

"It's not like Satomi was there when I told her, she was in her workroom.  Besides, I wanted to get away as soon as I told him."

Kouichi sighed.  "You should call her now.  I mean it, no more secrets."

I scowled and pulled my phone out.  I had turned it off when I had left since I really hadn't wanted to hear from Dad.  I was half expecting Dad to be the one who picked up when I dialed home, since Satomi was usually busy working in her office, but this time she was the one who picked it up.

"Hey, it's me," I began awkwardly.

"Kouji?"  Satomi's voice choked on a sob.  The rage I had felt against my father earlier came back full force.  He _had_ lied to her, too!  That...how _could_ he?  I struggled to keep my temper.  After all, this wasn't her fault.

"Let me guess, Dad just told you everything?"

"A-about Kouichi and your mother, yes."  Another muffled sob.  "He apologized for everything."

I sighed.  "I owe you an apology, too.  I haven't been fully honest with you either."

"I know.  'Satoshi.'  You aren't the type to befriend someone you just met, so I _knew_ there was something special about him."

"I'm sorry I lied to you about him.  I lumped you in with Dad, and assumed you knew about everything.  I never thought he'd lie to you, too..." This was getting even more awkward than I thought it would.  I struggled to think of what to say next.

"Tell her I said 'thanks for the pie'," Kouichi said suddenly.  "It was delicious."

"He says 'thanks for the pie, it was delicious,'" I repeated.  There was a soft gasp at the other end.

"He liked it?"

"Yeah, your cooking is really good."  I threw a grateful glance at Kouichi, who smiled back shyly.

"What's he like?  Kousei couldn't say much about him, only that I should ask you."

"He's..." It was hard to describe my brother with him right there.  "You'd like him.  He's quiet, and far sweeter than I am."

"You can be pretty sweet when you aren't acting all prickly."

I realized I was blushing and scowled at Kouichi.  Fortunately, he was no longer looking at me, but washing out a pan.  That reminded me...

"He's been learning how to cook from our grandmother.  I was wondering if you could teach him some recipes at some point."

"If he wanted to, I'd be happy to show him."  Then she laughed.  "So _that's_ why you wanted me to help make that pie!"

"Yeah."

There was another stifled sob at the other end.

"Are you going to be okay?"  I finally asked, ending the awkward silence.

"I think so, it's just hard.  I'm happy that your mother is still alive, and that you've met your brother, but...I'm so mad at your father for lying to both of us.  It's hard for me, and I don't know what to think.  Part of me feels like I'm losing both of you, even though I know that's wrong."

I snorted.  "That's not going to happen."

"I know, I know.  I almost laughed when he got down on his hands and knees and actually begged me not to leave him, to forgive him..."

A thread of fear worked its way down my back.

"Are you?"

"Going to leave him?  Kouji, your father made a mistake.  I'm not blaming him for it, and I certainly am not leaving him for one big mistake.  Forgiving him..." Satomi paused. "That's going to take time."

"It's going to take time for me, too."

"Yeah."

We were both silent for another moment barring the occasional sniffle from Satomi.  Then there was a slight gasp from the other end.

"Wait a minute, you said 'Satoshi's' grandmother was really sick, right?"

I sighed.  "Yeah, she's _my_ grandmother, too."

"Oh, _no_..."

"Mom and Kouichi are taking it a lot harder than I am," I said watching my brother pull several dishes out of the cabinet.  "I barely know her."

"But if she dies, you won't even get a chance to know her, right?"

"I know.  All I can do is try to make up for lost time and hope she gets better."

"You're doing a good job of it."  Satomi paused.  "So, I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah."

"Have fun there.  You don't have to worry about feeding Raiko tomorrow morning, I can take care of that for you."

"Thanks."  I hung up the phone, then turned to Kouichi.

"Thanks for helping me there, big brother."

"It was nothing.  You looked like you needed it."

"Maybe there is something to that twin ESP thing."  I put my phone back into my pocket.

"Do you like her?" Kouichi asked suddenly.

"Huh?"

"Your stepmother, I hardly ever see you talk about her.  Do you like her?"

"It's not that I don't _like_ her..." I struggled to find the right words.  "I always thought of her as Dad's replacement for Mom.  Especially when he made me promise to call her 'Mom', and when she acted like she _was_ my real mom.  I knew that if I got close to her, then I'd be dishonoring the memory of my _real_ mom."

"So you kept your distance from her?"

"Yeah."

"What are you going to do now that you've met me and Mom?"

"I don't know..."

He tilted his head to one side.  "She sounds like a nice person, I think you should try to talk to her more often.  I mean she might not be family in the sense that Mom and Grandma and I are, but she knows you better than I do."

"Maybe..."

"Well, family's family.  I'm probably different from you, but I was raised in a close family.  That's why I couldn't understand how you seemed to be so cold to her all the time, even though she did things for you, like make pie for me and Mom, even though she thought I was just a friend."

"You're right, I should talk to her more often.  In fact..." I smirked at him.  "She's _your_ stepmother, too.  You should come and meet her."

Kouichi blushed, then quickly turned back to his cooking.

Mom arrived later than either of us expected.  By the time she staggered in, the dinner Kouichi had made was cold.  In fact, we had just been discussing putting her portion in the refrigerator when she came in.

"Mom!"  Kouichi took one look at her pale face and flinched.  "You took another overtime shift?"

"Yeah..." Mom sank down into the chair at the table.  "I know you don't like me working overtime, sweetie, but the bill from the hospital was higher than normal because of all the tests they've been running.  I have to work overtime if I want to have money left over for the regular bills."

"I know." Kouichi's eyes reflected his buried sadness and pain, which would no doubt be shown to me when we were alone again.  "Just...try not to push yourself too hard, okay?  I don't want to see you wind up in the hospital."

"She won't, we'll make sure of that.  And speaking of which, Mom, would it be okay for me to stay here tonight?  Dad and I got into..." I cleared my throat awkwardly.  "A little fight.  Things kinda went downhill, and Kouichi suggested I come here to cool down.  I don't feel like going back there tonight, so could I stay here?"

"He can use Grandma's futon," Kouichi added.

"If it's only for tonight, then yes," Mom said.  "I know you're angry at your father, but money is a little tight right now, so you can't stay for too long."

"Right."  I grinned at her, then over at Kouichi.

Once we had eaten dinner, it didn't take too much encouragement to persuade Mom to go right to bed.  Then it was just me and my brother again.

"Is Mom all right?"  I asked him as we started washing the dishes.  He was silent for a moment before answering.

"Yes and no.  She's better off than she was before you stood up to her, but Grandma..." Kouichi closed his eyes for a moment.  "As long as she's in the hospital, Mom's going to be taking overtime shifts and overworking."

"Ah."

He wiped the dish he was holding off before putting it on the rack with the others.

"I... _we_ just need to keep looking.  There's a perfect job out there for her somewhere."

We were both silent for a couple of minutes, a silence that was broken by the Kimuras' phone ringing.  Kouichi flinched, no doubt fearing that it would wake up Mom.  He quickly scurried over to the phone and picked it up.

"Hello?"

Several seconds later, his eyes went wide, and his gaze moved all around the room, as it usually did when he was nervous.  Nervous, but not frightened.  I frowned.  Was it more bad news?  Had Grandma's health taken a turn for the worse?

"Y-yeah..." His eyes shifted to me.  "Yeah, he's here."

I scowled.  It was bad enough that I had to get away from home because I hadn't wanted to deal with him.  Why was my father calling the home of the mother he'd made me believe was dead?

"Y-you want to talk to..." I cut Kouichi off as I grabbed the phone.

"What do you want?"  It was all I could do to keep the rage in my voice to a minimum.

"I did some thinking after you left."  Dad said, completely ignoring how I had grabbed the phone, a fact that somehow made me even angrier.

"You should have done it _before_ you lied to me!"  I hissed.

"Yes, I know."  Dad sounded exasperated.  "I've decided that it's not too late for me to try and fix my mistakes.  Both your mother and Kouichi need all the help they can get right now, and I want to see them again."

"You don't deserve them."  I saw Kouichi's face, a mixture of shock and sadness, and instantly felt guilt creep in under my rage.

"I know."  Dad said that so casually that I frowned and looked at the phone, wishing I could see Dad's face.

"But I already talked to your mother, and now I'd like to talk to Kouichi.  Let him make his own judgement.  Could I speak to him, please?"

I was tempted to say "no" and hang up, but the look on Kouichi's face told me not to.  Instead I reluctantly handed the phone to him.

"Hello?  No, I know, he's going through a lot."  He paused.  "Grandma keeps saying I should meet you."  I strained my ears in an effort to hear Dad's response, but it didn't work.

"She's at Jikei hospital," Kouichi continued.  "Room 514. Her phone number.  Uh..." He looked wildly at me as if I could somehow help him.  I pulled my cell phone out and set the contact list to show Grandma's number.  Kouichi threw me a look of gratitude, then read the number off the display.

"I'm usually there to keep her company, so if you want you can meet me there..." His eyes went wide and he blushed.  "Y-yeah, I'll see you tomorrow."

He hung up the phone.

"Thanks for giving me the number, Kouji."

"You don't have to thank me."

He looked up at me with a slight hint of defiance in his eyes.  "I'm meeting him at the hospital tomorrow."

"So I gathered."

Kouichi resumed washing the dishes.  After a moment I joined him.  We spent the next few minutes finishing up the dishes before my brother spoke again.

"What's he like?"

"Dad?"  I put another plate down.  "If you don't count the fact that he lied to me and Satomi for years, he's not a bad person.  He give me allowance every week, makes sure I've done my homework, the usual things fathers are supposed to do, I guess.  He's not exactly a hands-on father like some I've seen, but if I wanted to he would do things like play catch with me."

"Really?"

"Yeah.  We did it more when I was younger..." Then we had moved again and I had been so angry at him for taking me away from my friends that I had stopped asking.

"Kouji?"  Kouichi was looking at me with quiet concern in his eyes.  I realized that I hadn't said anything for a minute.

"Sorry.  Just remembering."

"Ah."  He yawned, and I realized how late it was getting.

"Tired, big brother?"

"Yeah...I think it's nearly my bedtime anyway."  He put the last dish down on the rack.  "You can stay up, if you want."

"I think I'll join you, actually..." I found myself yawning.  "Just let me get my pajamas on."

Kouichi shrugged.  "You can change first, but just to warn you...Mom snores."

Sure enough, Mom was snoring as Kouichi quietly turned the light on in the bedroom.  While I had never seen the bedroom before, it was occupied by three futons, the one on the left already taken by my sleeping mother, lying on the ground.  Kouichi pointed to the one on the other end, by a small shrine with a picture of a man I guessed to be my grandfather Satoshi, on it . That, I noticed as I lay down, left the one in the middle, next to a bookshelf full of slightly battered used books, for my brother.  He turned off the lights, then got into the futon.

"'Night, Kouji," he whispered.

"G'night."

A few seconds later, his breathing steadied as he fell asleep.  I laid there listening to the night noises, something that I wouldn't have heard at home.  How could anyone sleep with all the snoring going on?  Mom and Kouichi were probably so used to it they never noticed it.  I realized that I was homesick for my own bed, and the silence of my own room...

How could I _think_ about that?  This was what I wanted, to be with Mom and Kouichi...

But thinking that didn't stop the snoring.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry about the delay, folks. It was partly because I was contemplating adding a scene where the characters go to eat at the cafeteria, which I had to discard because it didn't gel with what I had in the regular chapter, and partly because I'm getting ready to start my first year at a major college. Either way, this is my first fic that's over ten chapters. Double digits, woo!

Chapter 10

Why was I sleeping on a futon?

I struggled out of the depths of sleep to try to answer that question.  *I was definitely not at home...

Oh yeah, I was at Mom's apartment.  I had told Dad about her and Kouichi the day before, and Kouichi had suggested that I come over there for the night.  Then Dad had called and Kouichi had agreed to meet him at the hospital.  I sat up to look around the bedroom, but Mom and Kouichi weren't there.  Getting up and leaving the bedroom, I found Kouichi, already fully dressed and curled up on the couch with a book in hand.

"Good morning," he said quietly.

"'Morning," I yawned.  "Are you always up this early?"

"Do you always sleep this late?"  He replied with the faintest smirk.  I rolled my eyes.

"Where's Mom?  Already at work?"

"Yeah..." Kouichi's eyes darkened.  "I have a feeling she'll get a fever tonight."

We were both silent for a moment.

"You should probably take a nap or something, just in case," I sighed.  "I wish I could stay here tonight, too."

"I know."  Kouichi put his book down and stood up.  "There's cereal for breakfast, and juice..."

"Thanks."  I had been to my mother's apartment long enough to know where the bowls were, and took one out of the cabinet.  Then I took the box of cereal Kouichi offered me.

"I'm going to the hospital as soon as visitor hours open," he said.  "You're coming, too?"

I paused in the act of opening the refrigerator for some milk.  "Is that a question or an order?"

He glared at me.  "I'd _appreciate_ it if you came with me."

"Nervous about meeting Dad?"

Kouichi's eyes sank to the floor. "Very."  He slumped into the chair across from me.

"It's one thing for me to say that I should meet Dad one day, but for me to _do_ it?  I used to think he'd abandoned me and Mom.  What am I supposed to say?  I can't do this alone, Kouji.  I know Grandma will be there, but...I want you to be there too."  He suddenly laughed bitterly.  "It's funny, I was jealous of you getting all the attention from Mom and Grandma, but now that it's my turn I can't do it myself."

"You aren't."

"I know..." He slumped over the table and put his head down on his arms.  "The worst thing is, I really don't _care_ about meeting Dad.  I'm only doing this because it's the nice thing to do.  It's just hard for me to talk to strangers.  I mean, you're different, you aren't really a stranger anymore.  But Dad...what do I say?"

"You don't have to say anything.  You aren't much of a talker, anyway."

He didn't respond.

I sighed as I poured milk into my cereal.  He really _was_ nervous.

An hour later, Kouichi and I stood outside Grandma's room.  He held his hat in one hand and a book in the other.  His face was pale and he took deep breaths as if to prepare himself for the inevitable.

"You going to be okay, big brother?"  I asked.  "I'm sure Dad will understand if you aren't feeling up to this."

"No, I'm not okay," he said softly.  "But I have to do this at some point.  I might as well get it over with."

Kouichi put the hat on his head and pushed the door open, then he froze.  I looked over his shoulder to see that Dad was already there, talking to Grandma.

"Kouichi!"  Granda smiled broadly.  "Come say 'hi' to your father."

Kouichi's body trembled slightly, and I placed a reassuring hand on his back.  I couldn't say if it helped him or not, because the trembling didn't stop.  He pulled the hat down over his face, in a subtle effort to hide no doubt, and walked into the room.

"It's nice to meet you," he mumbled in a barely audible voice.

"Hey, Kouichi!"  Dad got to his feet.  "It's good to see you again."

He wrapped his arms around Kouichi's suddenly stiff body an a warm embrace.  I half expected my brother to pull away from him, like I had when Mom first hugged me, but he didn't.  He didn't relax, either, even after Dad finally pulled back.

"It's been such a long time.  The last time I saw you, you still had trouble walking up the stairs."

Kouichi was projecting his "I'm not here" aura as much as he could.  He didn't say anything, but nodded.

"You're nervous, right?"  Dad asked.  "Believe it or not, I am too."

"You should be," I snapped irritably.

"Kouji!"  Grandma glared at me.  "Be nice!"

I glared right back at her.  What did _she_ know?  _She_ hadn't gone through life thinking her loved ones were dead.

"So, Kouchi, how's your mother doing?"  Dad asked. Kouichi, who was in the process of quietly slipping off to the table with the newspapers on it, froze.  Most likely he'd been hoping that he could use the excuse of job hunting for Mom to avoid any contact with Dad.

“S-she’s working hard,” he mumbled softly, pulling the brim of his hat over his face.

I snorted.  “You have a tendency to understate things, big brother.”

Kouichi glared at me, then picked up the nearest newspaper and buried himself in it.

“Tomoko’s pushing herself too hard,” Grandma said.  “But then, she always did.”

“She’s still too stubborn to get any rest?”  Dad asked.

I leaned back against the wall next to the door.  “Not quite.  We managed to get her to take a day off once a few weeks ago.”

“ _Once_ ,” Dad repeated.  “Kouichi, if you ever need any help, you call me.”

The paper twitched slightly.

“Your grandmother was just telling me about that award you picked up last year.”

“It’s nothing, just something I do.”

“Something you do better than any of the other kids in your school.”  Grandma grinned broadly.  “He’s so modest sometimes.”

“He was like that before the divorce, too,” Dad said.  “He’d always stand back and let Kouji do the talking for him.”

The realization that Kouichi and I had spent our first two or three years together was a strange one.  I frowned as I thought about what might have been if Mom and Dad had stayed together.  I wouldn’t have had to worry about being alone, or dealing with a stepmother.  Maybe we wouldn’t have moved around as much, and if we had, I still would have had my mother and brother there at least.  If they hadn’t divorced…

…If Dad hadn’t _lied_ to me about Mom and Kouichi…

…This was all _Dad’s_ fault…

I felt white-hot anger coursing through me, and stifled it.  Grandma wouldn’t be happy with me if I blew up in front of him.  I struggled to keep my mind off my father’s lies and back on the ongoing conversation.

“…Not surprised you still like books,” Dad was saying.  “You used to love storytime every night.  In fact, I still have one of your favorite books from when you were little.”

“And yet, you didn’t even look at the pictures of him that Grandma sent you every year.”  The words were out of my mouth before I could even think about them.  “They were still in the envelopes, unopened.”

The room instantly froze as if we had all been dipped in ice.  For one instant, the only movement was the paper falling out of Kouichi’s suddenly lifeless hands, revealing a suddenly pale face and wide eyes at the betrayal.  I suddenly couldn’t look at that face, my face, as a crushing guilt came over me.

“S-sorry, I didn’t mean it…” But, I had.  I’d just accused my father of abandoning my brother, in front of that brother.  “I-I’m sorry.”

“Kousei, is that true?”  Grandma asked quietly.

“It’s true.”  Dad’s voice shook.  “I didn’t want to see Kouichi grow up.  It hurt to lose Kouichi, and the divorce went badly enough that Tomoko and I were both so angry at each other in the end.  The thought of Kouichi being with your mother instead of me hurt too much for me to bear, and in my mind seeing the pictures of him happy with her...looking at those pictures was like admitting defeat.”

Kouichi didn’t say anything, but his eyes gained an edge of sympathy.  I on the other hand was outraged.

“So you lied to me, and didn’t even look at my brother’s pictures because that was ‘admitting defeat?!’  You really _are_ pathetic!”

“That’s enough!”  Grandma cut through my scathing response.  “We aren’t here to put the blame on _anyone_ now.”

I glared at Dad, then my gaze fell onto Kouichi again.  He was once again hiding behind the newspaper, so I couldn’t see his face.   What was he thinking?   Was he actually sympathetic to Dad?

“She’s right,” Dad said.  “I’ll say what I should have said years ago.  I’m sorry your mother and I couldn’t work it out, and I’m sorry you two got caught up in all of it.  I’m sorry I lied to you and Satomi, Kouji, and I don’t expect any of you to forgive me, but I want you to know that I never stopped loving you, Kouichi.”

A blue eye peered curiously out from behind the paper.

“Why did you two get divorced?”

Dad sighed.  “If anything, it was because your mother and I were both too strong and too stubborn to back down.  Neither of us could just relax and let the other take care of things…we were both convinced that the other was pushing themselves too hard.  Maybe both of us were right, maybe neither of us were.  Things went downhill for our marriage, and by the end we were so bitter towards each other that neither of us wanted anything to do with the other.”

Kouichi regarded him thoughtfully before disappearing behind the paper again.

“The other- _Satomi_ ,” he corrected himself.  “Kouji says you married her three years ago, right?”

“Almost.  Four more months.”

“Oh.”  There was a slight pause, then: “What’s she like?”

“She’s very sweet, loving.  Did Kouji tell you she’s a computer programmer?”

“No, what does she do?”  Grandma asked.

“She designs websites, and occasionally teaches classes at different places.  That’s how I met her, actually.  She was teaching a course on website design at my firm, and I had some questions afterwards.  That led into a date, and we got married a year later.”

“Congratulations,” Grandma’s smile, at least, was genuine.

“Thanks.”

I stifled the urge to remark about Dad’s attempts to make Satomi replace my mother, but I had already hurt my brother with my outbursts once, and Grandma would chew me out again if I did it again.

“How’s the hospital treating you, Aoi?”  Dad asked Grandma.

“The staff are nice enough, they make sure I’m comfortable and usually do what they ask me to…” She waved her hand irritably.  “But they ought to fire whoever makes the meals for the patients.  I swear, I’ve had army rations that tasted better than whatever they’re making.”

Dad laughed.  “You could make boiled leather taste good.  Too bad they couldn’t hire you.”

“Oh, no.  I worked fifteen years in a sushi bar.  I’d rather jump off a cliff than deal with some of those customers again.”

“You haven’t changed a bit, Aoi.  So, Kouichi, how’s school going?”

Kouichi’s shoulders stiffened behind the paper.

“F-Fine,” he mumbled.

“He’s really working hard,” Grandma added.  “He was studying with Kouji every day until the finals.”

“Really?”  Dad looked at me.  “You haven’t been studying with others willingly since…what was it, third grade?”

I said nothing, but simply glared at him.  My studying habits were none of his business.

“Why did you stop?”  Grandma asked.  “Studying with others is a good thing.  Even Kouichi does it once in a while.

“Probably because we moved to a new place around then,” Dad said.  “He never got used to the kids at the new school long enough to study with them…”

“That’s because you got promoted four months later,” I snapped.  "Then it was move again, to a bigger house and a new school."

Grandma frowned.  “I knew you two were moving around a lot, but only _four months?_ ”

“I know,” Dad pushed a hand through his hair.  “It's obvious now that I was being selfish, burying myself in my job to forget Tomoko and Kouichi, but at the time all I could think of was to give Kouji the best life I could.  When I married Satomi, she made me realize what I was putting him through, and we haven’t moved since.”

The frown swiftly turned back into a grin.

“Now _that_ is a relief.  I don’t think any of us would have liked Kouji having to leave just when we were getting to know him.”

I snorted.  “Yeah, especially since I could have met them sooner if you’d told me about them.”

“Kouji, that’s _enough!_ ”  Grandma started to cough again.

“You okay, Aoi?”  Dad asked.

“Fine, I just need some water.  Kouji, could you get me some more?”

I stepped forward to take her cup, but Kouichi beat me to it.  We all watched as he slipped off to the bathroom, then came out a few seconds later with a full cup.

“Thank you, sweetie.”  Grandma took a big gulp in between coughs.  Kouichi hovered by her side, his shoulders tensing every time she coughed.

“Aoi?”  Dad frowned in concern.

“I’m okay,” Grandma finished coughing.  “It’s not as bad as it used to be.”

“I would have hated to hear you when it was that bad,” I said dryly.  “You sound terrible.”

She laughed as my brother went back to the table.  “True.  The doctors say that the best they can do is antibiotics and rest, I’m just not as quick to recover as I used to be.”

Kouichi flinched slightly, no doubt worried about our grandmother’s health.

“Kouichi, I was wondering if you would like to come over and visit someday,” Dad said.  “Satomi and I talked it over last night…”

I snorted.  More like he begged her for forgiveness.

“…And she’d like to meet you.”

“That sounds nice,” Kouichi mumbled as he pulled the brim of his hat over his eyes.

“Maybe you could make it a family outing,” Grandma suggested.

“That sounds like a great idea, Aoi.  Where would you like to go, Kouichi?”

“Anywhere is fine.”

“Anywhere?  What kind of places do you like?”

My brother turned a lovely shade of red, and withdrew into himself a bit more to avoid Dad's gaze.  “Bookstores.”

“Not exactly a fun place for the whole family,” Grandma laughed.  Kouichi grabbed the newspaper again.

“Well, at least _he’d_ enjoy it,” Dad said.  “Any ideas, Kouji?”

I thought about it.  Someplace we could all enjoy…wait, didn’t Dad have pictures of us at a zoo when we were little?

“How about going to the zoo?”  I suggested.  “Dad and I used to do that a lot when I was little.”

“That’s definitely something we could do,” Dad agreed.  “How does that sound for you, Kouichi?”

“Good.”  I think Kouichi was saying that so that Dad would stop talking to him, I don’t think Dad knew that though.

“It’ll have to wait until my next day off, on Saturday,” Dad said.  “But I think you’ll enjoy it.  I remember you liked seeing the birds at the zoo when you were little.”

The paper Kouichi was hiding behind twitched a little.

“He hasn’t changed all that much,” Grandma remarked.  “He used to spend hours watching my bird feeder!”

A sly grin crossed Dad’s face.

“He got it from you, right?”

“Who do you think was watching with him all those hours?”  Grandma smirked at him.  Now it was Dad’s turn to laugh.

“I should have known.  Well, looks like we’re going to the zoo.  When we’re done, would you like to come over to our place?  I promise Kouji’s dog won’t bite.”

Blue eyes stared over the top of the paper in shock.

“I…but, I don’t want to get in the way.”

”Kouichi, you’d _never_ be ‘in the way’,” Dad said.  “In fact. Satomi's wanted to meet you even before she knew you were my son.”

“I stayed over at Mom’s place last night,” I shrugged.  “It’s only fair that you come over to ours.  Besides, Satomi could teach you to make a pie while you’re there.”

The eyes ducked back down the paper.

"I don't know, Mom needs me."

"Kouichi, your mother is stronger than you think she is."  Grandma said with a snort.  "She can live without you for one day."

"Big brother, having you over would make me happy."  There, I said it.  "I haven't had anyone over for a very long time, and ever since I met you I've wanted to show you what my life is like."

“I’ll have to ask Mom,” he said softly.  “But, if you want me there, if she says I can stay over there for the night, I will.”

“That’s great.”  Dad stood up.  “Well, I should get going.  I have to start work soon, I’ll see you Saturday, Kouichi.”

Kouichi’s response was a gargled mumble, which might have been “Okay.”  Dad grinned, opened the door, and left.  Kouichi sighed in relief and dropped the paper,

“That went pretty well,” Grandma said.  “What do you think of him?”

“He seemed all right…” He took off the hat.

“He’s nice enough, when he’s not lying to anyone.”  I stuffed my hands into my pockets.

“Kouji, you really must learn to respect your father.”  Grandma pointed at me. “He might not have made the best choices, but at least he’s trying.”

I glared at the wall beside me.  “I’ll try.”

“Well, you’ll have enough time to ‘try’ on the trip.  Kouichi, you can take my camera.”

“Your…but I can’t, It’s _yours_!”

“Yes, it’s mine.  And I can decide what I want to do with it.  You can use it to take pictures of the birds you see.  Who knows, maybe you’ll be a good photographer when you grow up.”  She grinned as Kouichi blushed again.

Mom once again was home late that night, and while I couldn’t tell for sure, I thought she had a fever.  She seemed a bit more listless than usual, although part of it was probably how tired she was and her lack of appetite.  She barely picked at her dinner.

“Mom, you really should eat something.”  Kouichi took a big bite of his own food as if to prove how delicious it was.

“Sorry, sweetie, I’m just not hungry.  I’m worried about your grandmother.”

“I am, too.”  Kouichi’s eyes darkened a bit before he continued.  “Um, I met Dad today.”

“I know, you said you were going to this morning.  How did it go?”

“I think he was happier to see me than I was to see him.  We’re going to the zoo Saturday.”

Mom’s smile was genuine, in spite of her tiredness.  “Oh sweetie, that’s wonderful.  I hope you have fun there.”

“Yeah. There’s something else, too…” His eyes flicked to me, as if asking for support.  I sighed.

“Dad invited him to sleep over at our place afterwards, if you give him permission,” I told her.

“Well of course you can.  When Kouji first found us, I started thinking about how wrong your father and I were to split you boys up.  It was selfish of both of us to think that keeping you two from each other would help keep the pain of the divorce away.  So I’ve decided that it’s time to stop being so childish and let you see your father.”

Kouichi stared at her, eyes wide.

“What, did you think I was going to say ‘no?’”

“N-no! It’s not that. It’s…” He paused, trying to think of the right phrase.  “I’m not used to him, I’m not used to having a father.”

“Oh, sweetie.”  Mom wrapped her arms around him.  “I know, these things take time, but you have to start somewhere with your father, and I think it’s been far too long since you’ve had any fun trips.  I want you to be happy, and I think the trip to the zoo is just what you need.”

“I hope so, Mom.”  Kouichi hugged her back.  “I really hope so.  And maybe someday when Grandma’s better, we can _all_ go.”

I didn’t have the heart to tell him that given how sick Grandma was, that probably would never happen.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

“How am I going to do this?”  I wondered aloud.  Not that there was anyone there to hear me except for Raiko, who was sitting outside my bedroom, watching me pace back and forth through the open door.  While the trip to the zoo wasn’t for a few days, the fact was that I hadn’t had anyone my age sleeping over at my place in years, so I didn’t really have anything that could be enjoyed by multiple people.

Then again, the person coming over was _Kouichi_.  He’d probably bring a book or two and just do his thing while I did mine, but, that didn’t feel right.  He was my brother, wasn’t he?  Shouldn’t brothers do stuff together?  I scowled down at my bed.  The only thing I could think of that we could enjoy together was a video game system, and I didn’t have anything for two players, it was all single player.  The same went for board games or puzzles…I just hadn’t seen the need for them at the time.  Movies?  I didn’t know what was popular, let alone what kinds he liked.

How was I going to find something we could both enjoy, then?  I would have to ask somebody who knew something about multi-player games or movies.  The only people I knew who would have some experience there were my Aikido classmates.  I made up my mind to ask them during class the next day.  Maybe I could borrow a two-player game or a popular movie from one of them.

In the end, I managed to talk Uehara from my Aikido class into letting me borrow some fighting games.  Plus, he gave me some movies that we could watch, if push came to shove.  Kouichi being his shy quiet self, I didn’t think we’d have to do any of them, but just in case he wanted to do something besides reading, I was ready.  By the time the trip to the zoo rolled around it was decided that, since I was the only one on Dad’s side of the family who knew both where the Kimuras lived and where the zoo was, I would meet Kouichi at his apartment and go with him to the zoo to meet Dad and Satomi there.

“Got all your stuff?”  I asked as he let me in.

“Mostly.  I made some dinner for Mom, so she won’t have to cook when she gets home.”  Kouichi sighed.  “I just hope she’ll be okay without me.”

“She’ll be fine.”

“I know, but…” Kouichi leaned over to pick up his hat.  “This is the first time I’ve spent the night without her in a long time.  I’m just worried because she’ll be all alone.”

“Big brother, _Mom’s_ the one who told you to have fun, right?”

“I _know!_ ”  Kouichi snapped, then recovered.  “Sorry, I’m just worried.”

“I understand.”  I watched him make final touches to his backpack, then he picked up a camera off the counter.

“You don’t have to bring the hat, big brother.  We aren’t going to the hospital.”

"But..."

"Weren't you the one telling me you don't like hats?"

Kouichi glared at me for a moment, then reluctantly put the hat back down.  I suspected that the reason he’d picked it up in the first place was so that he could use it to hide his face from Dad and Satomi, but I didn’t think that this would be an appropriate time for it.

“You ready to go?”

He put the backpack on.  “Yeah.”

My brother was clearly nervous about the trip, even if he didn’t say it in so many words.  I wasn’t sure if it was because of Dad, if it was because he’d be meeting Satomi, or simply because he didn’t like having the spotlight on himself.  It was most likely a combination of all three, I decided.  Kouichi constantly fiddled with the straps on his camera while we rode the train, and wrapped himself up in his “I’m not here" aura, as if not being noticed would somehow help him.

“Kouichi, you can relax,” I finally said after watching him for about ten minutes of train ride.  “They won’t bite off your head or anything.  Besides, I’m here, too.”

“I _know_ that, Kouji!  Just leave me alone!”

I was tempted to push him a little more, but decided against it.  I didn’t want to make him angry at me this time.

The zoo was already open by the time we got there, and I could see Dad and Satomi sitting on a bench next to the entrance waiting for us.

“Hey, glad you could make it!”  Dad said as we approached.  He stood up and put an arm around Kouichi’s suddenly stiff shoulders.

“I want you to meet your stepmother, Satomi.”

Kouichi looked very uncomfortable, like he’d rather be somewhere else, _anywhere_ else, but he managed to work up something resembling a polite smile at Satomi.

“It’s…nice to m-meet you,” he stammered.

“It’s nice to finally meet you too, Kouichi.  Kousei, you can let him go now.”

“Sorry.”  Dad took his arm off Kouichi’s shoulder.  “Better?”

“Thanks,” Kouichi mumbled, likely as much to Satomi as to Dad.

“Kouji told me a lot about you,” Satomi continued.  “Even when I thought you were just his friend; I knew you had to be special.”

He turned a lovely shade of red, and kept his eyes on the ground.

“So, you ready to see the zoo?”  Dad asked.  Kouichi nodded, but otherwise didn’t move.

Dad bought tickets for all of us, and we entered the zoo itself.  Kouichi kept behind the two adults as they chatted happily about their plans for the day.  I slowed down to keep pace with him.

“You’re doing all right, big brother.”

He said nothing in reply, but I saw him relax just a little.

Dad turned back to face us.  “What do you want to see first, Kouichi?  I’m betting on the birds.”

Kouichi’s hands tightened on the camera in his hands.

“Y..yeah, if you want.”

It was easy to see that Kouichi liked birds.  The instant we saw the first display with birds on it, a pair of large vibrant parrots sitting on a fenced-in tree, his eyes lit up and he began subtly walking faster.  He soon overtook me, then passed Dad and Satomi.

“He’s leaving us in the dust!”  Satomi laughed.

“He sure is,” Dad said.  “Hey, Kouichi!  I know you want to see the birds, but you might want to wait for the rest of us.  I don’t want us to get separated.”

Kouichi looked over his shoulder, then his eyes went wide and he stopped.  His face went all red as he began stammering an apology.

“Don’t worry about it,” Dad said as we caught up to him.  “Just don’t get too far ahead of us next time.”

“You know Kouichi,” Satomi remarked as we started walking again.  “I hear some people are trying to open a bird-themed cafe.  Would you like to go there when it opens?”

“S-sure, if you want.”

“How about you, Kouji?”  She asked me.

“Probably not.”  I had nothing personal against birds, but the shrill squawks, shrieks, and whistles coming from the nearby cages and displays were deafening.  How could _anyone_ get used to that?

Dad was thumbing through a zoo pamphlet he had picked up at the gate.

“Let’s see, they’ve got a place where you can feed birds, a show on birds of prey in a couple of hours...or do you want to browse the cages here first?”

Kouichi’s only response was a shrug.

“Let’s just walk to the bird feeding place,” Satomi suggested.  “We can look at the birds on the way.”

The path to the bird feeding room was lined with displays of birds, some colorful, others not.  Kouichi paused at every display to take a picture of the birds inside, which slowed our progress.  While he was off taking pictures of yet another bird, Satomi turned to my father.

“Hey Kousei, I was thinking that you and Kouichi need some time alone.  Kouji and I can check out the rest of the zoo while you and Kouichi can stay here in the bird section.”

I glared at her.  What was she _thinking_ , that I was some kind of little kid?  I was a fifth-grader, I didn't _need_ her.

Dad frowned.  “I don’t want us to get separated…”

“Kouji and I both have our cell phones.  Besides, I want to see the rest of the zoo before we leave.”

“True,” Dad sighed.  “Okay, you two can go.  Call me if anything happens.”

“Wait, you aren’t serious about this?”  I protested.

“Kouji, your father hasn’t seen Kouichi for what, nine years now?  They deserve some time alone together.”

“But…” I wanted to tell her that Dad didn’t deserve _anything_ , and that I didn’t _want_ to go with her, but Grandma had been pretty angry at me for telling Dad off yesterday, and I _did_ want to get away from the feathered noisemakers.

“Fine.  We’ll go see the rest of the zoo.”

She smiled at me.  “Thank you, Kouji.”

I glared at a nearby bird and stuffed my hands into my pockets.

“Okay, I got it…” Kouichi had finished taking pictures of the bird and came back to where the rest of us were.  He looked at us curiously.

“What’s going on?”

“Kouji and I are going to check out the rest of the zoo,” Satomi told him.  “That way you can stay here and see more birds.”

Kouichi’s face paled at the thought of being alone with Dad.  His mouth worked like he was trying to think of a good objection, but just couldn’t find one.

“You two have fun,” Dad said wrapping an arm around my slightly shell-shocked brother.  “I know Kouichi is.”

Satomi waved cheerfully at them, then waited until we were out of earshot to burst out into laughter.

“D-did you see the look of his face?  I really shouldn’t be laughing at him, but he looked so _silly!_ ”

“I don’t think he’d agree with you,” I said dryly.

“I know.”  Satomi got ahold of herself.  “He’s not afraid of your father, is he?”

I thought about it.  “No, he’s just nervous.  He’s awkward around strangers, and the fact that it’s _Dad_ doesn’t help.”

“He looked like he was getting along with you.”

“We’ve had some time to get to know each other.”

“It must have awkward when you first met.”

I snorted.  “That’s an understatement.”

“So, where should we go first?”  Satomi asked as we left the bird area.  “There’s a map over there.”

“The large cat display looks interesting.”  I scanned the map.  “There’s elephants on the other side of the zoo.”

“How about the petting zoo?”

“I’m not a little kid, Sa-” I caught the slip-up.  “Mom.”

“You don’t have to call me ‘Mom’ anymore,” she said.  “It feels too awkward, with your mother being alive.”

I shrugged.  I didn’t want to tell her that the only reason I had called her ’Mom’ in the first place was because Dad had made me promise to.

“Let’s just start walking, and see if there’s anything interesting to see.”  Satomi turned and began walking again.  “Speaking of your mother, how’s she doing?”

“About as well as can be expected.”  I kept my eyes firmly on the ground.  “She’s overworked, and comes home exhausted every night.  She’s not eating very well, no matter what Kouichi tries to put in her...we have to _tell_ her to take days off, because she can’t pay the bills for Grandma if she ends up in a hospital herself, but Kouichi says that she’s not as bad as she might have been if I hadn’t met them.”

“Hmm,” Satomi paused to lean on a nearby fence, staring at the rhinoceros beyond.  “Maybe I could pay Kouichi to mow the lawn or something.”

“He’ll see right through that, and he’ll probably take it because of Mom.  He’s almost as bad as she is.  They’re a very tight-knit family.”  
She turned away from the rhinoceros.  “Are you jealous?”

“Kind of. Kouichi was, too, especially when I first met them.  He probably still is, but I think the worst of it’s worn off.”

“That’s because you two are growing as brothers.”

I frowned.  I was getting closer to Kouichi, but were we really at the point where I could see him as my brother rather than a friend with my face?

Satomi stopped leaning on the fence, and we began walking again.

“Do you think Kouichi will like me?”  She asked.

“He’ll like you.  He doesn’t have…” I tried to figure out how to say the words politely.

She raised an eyebrow.  “He doesn’t have the same pressure to accept me, right?”

“Yeah.”  That was part of the truth, anyway.

“Is that why you don’t get along with me?”

My head snapped around, and I found myself staring at her in shock.  Satomi had never brought the subject up before, why was she bringing it up _now?_

“What kind of question is _that?_ ”

“I’m not stupid, Kouji.  Ever since your father proposed to me, you’ve been avoiding me.  In fact, after the wedding you didn’t even try to make conversation until that time when we made a pie for ‘Satoshi.’  I understood when I became your stepmother that you didn’t _have_ to accept me, even though every time you avoided me it hurt.”

“You…” She had seen all along that I had been pushing her away?  “Why didn’t you say something?”

“Would it have made any difference if I had?”

_No, it wouldn’t,_ I reflected bitterly.  If she had told me that she knew I was avoiding her and that it hurt her, I would have thought she was trying to guilt me into accepting her.

“But why bring it up _now?_ ”  I asked.  “If you have been keeping it to yourself for years, why are you telling me all this?”

“Because he’s _changed_ you, Kouji.  If it weren’t for Kouichi, you wouldn’t be asking me to make him a pie, let alone offering to help me with it.  You’ve been talking more, smiling more…”

She had noticed that?  I didn’t think she had been looking that time.

“...and being more open than I’ve ever seen you,” Satomi concluded.  “I know your father’s been pressuring you to accept me.  I should have said something, maybe told you not to call me ‘Mom’, but at the time I wanted to be accepted.  I _wanted_ to be your mother, because we both thought at the time that your _real_ mother couldn’t be there for you.”

“That was the reason I didn't like you,” I admitted.  “Nobody could replace Mom in my eyes, and I resented both you and Dad for trying.  I pushed you away, I pushed everyone away.  If we’d talked like this when you and Dad first got married, then maybe when I called you ‘Mom,’ I’d have meant it.”

She looked at me.  “But if it weren’t for Kouichi, we wouldn’t be having this conversation at _all_.  Kouji, I’m glad things worked out this way even if it was painful to find out your father lied to me.”

“I am, too,” I said.

When we got back to the bird section of the zoo, Dad was standing in front of the bird feeding house.

“Kouichi’s been in there for almost twenty minutes now,” he said.  “But I haven’t seen him smile like that since before the divorce.  I just can’t bring myself to tear him away.”

“Well, if he’s enjoying himself,” Satomi shrugged.  “Kouji, do you want to go in, too?”

“Might as well.”  I opened the door to the house, a medium-sized building which was pretty much a big mesh-covered room with a much smaller room inside it, no doubt to keep any escapees inside.  Kouichi stood in one corner, surrounded by a varied assortment of chirping, squawking, shrieking parrots.  The noise they made made me want to leave, but he had the biggest, sweetest smile I had seen so far on his face, which positively glowed.

“Having fun, big brother?”  I asked. He turned to look at me.

“Kouji!  Look at this!”  He held up a stick with a block of birdseed stuck to it.  A gray bird with a yellow head was sitting on his arm, nibbling the block.

“He likes me, he was playing with my hair earlier.  He’s called a co...cocko…”

“Cockatiel.”  Dad was looking at a nearby sign with pictures of the birds on it.  “They’re from Australia.”

Kouichi looked down, and nodded.  That was when something landed on me with enough force to make me jump.  I glared at the small, dark-green parrot climbing up my shirt as Dad and Satomi laughed.

“And that one’s a green-cheeked conure,” Dad said.  “They’re from South America.”

“Any chance of shipping him back?”  I asked pointedly as the bird reached my shoulder and started to nibble on my ponytail.  The click of Kouichi’s camera made me slowly turn to see him with his bird on one hand and Grandma’s camera in the other, pointed at me.  He realized I was glaring at him and swiftly blushed and looked down.

“S-sorry, I thought Mom and Grandma would like it.”

I just sighed.

Kouichi didn’t lose the sweet smile, even after we persuaded him that there were other animals besides birds.  In fact, the smile stayed on his face until after we left.

It disappeared when we got home.

“ _This_ is where you live?”  Kouichi stared at my house with wide eyes and a mixture of jealousy and guilt written on his face.

“Yeah.”  I cringed as I remembered how small Mom’s apartment was compared to Dad’s house.  “Are you okay, big brother?”

“It’s nobody’s fault, I know,” he said softly.  “But it still hurts.”

“Kouji, Kouichi!  You boys coming?”  Dad and Satomi had already left the car and were walking up the path to the front door.  I could hear Raiko barking from the yard.

“Yeah,” I called back.  “Kouichi, it’s okay to be jealous.”

“I know that.”  His glare was softened by a sigh.  “C’mon, they’re waiting for us.”

Raiko was happily bouncing from one end of the yard to the other when Dad let her in.

“She’s hyper today,” he remarked as she bounded up to Kouichi and I with her tail wagging.

“Hello,” Kouichi said softly as he extended a hand for her to sniff.

“I should take her for a walk,” I turned to try and find her leash, but Dad beat me to it.

“I’ll walk her tonight,” he said.  “You’re Kouichi’s host, remember?”

“Thanks.”

As Dad left with Raiko, Satomi turned to my brother.

“What do you want for dinner, Kouichi?  I can make something, or we can do takeout.”

“I’m fine, Miss Satomi.  I’ll eat whatever you cook.”

“You can just call me Satomi, Kouichi.  I’m not the formal type.  What kinds of food do you like?”

Kouichi looked down and blushed.

“C-could you do teriyaki?  I like that.”

“Of course we can do teriyaki.  I think we have some beef still, so I won’t have to go shopping.”

Satomi stepped into the kitchen, pulling out a package of meat from the fridge, then some vegetables.  Kouichi tentatively followed her.

“Do you need any help, Mi...Satomi?  My Grandma taught me how to cook, so I know how to make it.”

She looked at him in surprise.  “Sure. There are knives in that drawer there if you want to start cutting the vegetables.”

They seemed to be getting along together, maybe a bit too well.  They had barely known each other for more than a few hours, yet my stepmother and brother had bonded more in five minutes of knowing each other than I had in three years of knowing her.  Was this what jealousy felt like?  Then _this_ was how Kouichi had felt when I had first come into his life.  The pain of seeing someone very easily do what I couldn’t do…

“Kouji?”  Kouichi’s soft voice brought me back to myself.

“Huh?”

“You’re welcome to help us.”  He pointed to the chair next to him on the table.  “We need to get these chopped up.”

Was he trying to help me?  How could he have known I was feeling jealous?  No, it didn’t matter.  Instead I sat down next to him, and took the peeling knife he offered me.

Dinner that night was somewhat awkward, mostly because Dad kept trying to make conversation with Kouichi, who reluctantly answered in monosyllables.  Satomi at least had the sense to limit her conversation with him to asking if he was enjoying the teriyaki, and smiling happily when he said that he was.

In the end, Kouichi seemed relieved to finish his food, then quietly slip away to the couch to read.  I suspected it was because his tolerance for strangers was probably used up for the day.

“He really likes his books, doesn’t he?”  Satomi asked in an undertone as he curled up with one of the books he’d brought with him.  The dining room was close enough to the living room that I suspected Kouichi was listening to every word we were saying.

“It’s not just that he likes books,” I said, choosing my words carefully, “as much as he sees books as an escape from whatever situation he’s in.  He’s not very good at talking, especially to strangers, so he buries himself in a book to escape talking to anyone.  In fact I think the only reason he got along with me so quickly was because he was lonely, with Grandma in the hospital and Mom at work all the time.”

“I had no idea,” Dad said softly.  His eyes reflected pain as he no doubt thought about what might have been.

“He wouldn’t have told anyone,” I leaned back in my chair.  “He’s the sort of person who keeps his feelings bottled up inside him, to avoid making more trouble for everyone.”

“Just like his mother,” Dad frowned.

“Not quite.  He’s actually been better with his feelings with me, at least, since I confronted him about it.”

“He’s having the same effect on you, too,” Satomi said.  I stared at her for a second in surprise before realizing I was blushing and glared down at the remains of my meal.

“It’s not just him, Mom and Grandma are part of it too,” I said, but I could not deny the impact my brother had on me.

Twenty minutes later, Kouichi stared past me into my bedroom as I turned the light on.

“There aren’t too many places to sit,” I warned him.  “Just the bed and the desk.”

He followed me in, looking around curiously.

“I don’t know what kinds of video games and movies you like, so I borrowed some of the more popular ones for the day,” I continued.

“I brought some books, they’re good enough.”

“Touché.”

“I didn’t know you played guitar.”  He was looking at the guitar propped up against one site of my room.

“I don’t.  Satomi got it for me when she found out I liked guitar music.”  That had been more due to my dislike of her at the time than anything else.  After that little talk with her earlier, I wondered if maybe I should learn how to play it after all.

“Oh.”  Kouichi’s gaze fell to the picture frame which was showing that old picture of Mom.  “Wow, this is an old one.”

“Yeah, Dad gave it to me when I asked him what she looked like.”

“That reminds me, I should call Mom if she’s home.  She should be out of work by now, if she’s not working overtime.  Where does Dad keep the phone?”

I pulled out my cell phone and tossed it at him.  He awkwardly caught it.

“Thanks.”  He was silent for a moment, dialing the numbers, then after a lengthy pause he sighed and hung up.

“She’s either asleep or working overtime.  I think she’s doing overtime again.”

“Yeah, that sounds about right.  She knows our number here, so if it’s an emergency she can call us.”

“Yeah.”  Kouichi handed my phone back, then slumped down on my bed, his eyes darkened by sadness.  I sat down beside him.

“It’s gonna be okay, big brother.  You aren’t alone.”

He pressed his head into my shoulder.

“I’m so worried, Kouji.  It’s not just Mom, it’s Grandma, too.  I want them to be like they were before-you never got to see Grandma before she started getting sick.  She was always full of energy and always did things like hiking.  She…” his voice trailed off and I felt warm moisture through my jacket.  “I don’t think she’s going to be with us much longer.”

I pulled my blanket around his shoulders, and wrapped my arm around him.  Those were the only things I could really do for him though, and the frustration that I couldn’t do more was strong enough to hurt.

“Kouji?”  Satomi knocked on my closed door, causing both of us to jump.  “I brought the futon.”

I cursed softly and pulled myself to my feet to open the door.  Satomi was standing outside with the bulky futon in her arms.

“Where do you want me to put it?”  She asked.

“Over here.”  I pointed to the space by my bed.

“Okay!”  She put the futon down and spread it out fully.

“Should I get you a pillow or are you giving him one of yours?”

“He’s using one of mine.”

“Good.”  Satomi paused to look at my brother, taking in the slight tear marks under his eyes.  “Are you okay, Kouichi?”

He smiled back at her.  “Yeah, I’m just worried about Mom."

“Have you tried calling her?”

“She’s working overtime, again.”

Satomi’s eyes widened, no doubt remembering what I had said that afternoon.  “Oh. It’s not easy, is it?”

Some of the pain he was feeling crept onto his face.  “No.”

“Well, no matter what happens we’re here for you, especially Kouji.  If you need any help, just ask.”  She turned and closed the door behind her as she left.

“She’s really nice,” Kouichi said, breaking the silence that followed.

“Yeah.”  I sat down beside him again.  We were both silent for a minute before he spoke again.

“So, what do you usually do when you’re at home?”

“Play video games.  They’re all one-player, though.  The ones I borrowed are two-player, but I don’t know how to play them.”

“That’s all right, I wanted to make sure you have something to do while I read.”

“You _would._ ”

He grinned at me.  “That’s right, I _would._ "

I stuck out my tongue at him and turned on the TV.  If Kouichi was reading rather than playing video games, there was no reason to play the games I had borrowed from Uehara.  I didn’t really have an interest in fighting games anyway, so I put on my favorite role-playing game and loaded up the save.  After about ten minutes of playing however, I saw out of the corner of my eye that Kouichi had put his book down and was watching me play.  I thought about calling him out on it, but decided not to.  If both of us were enjoying a one-player game, then who was I to say he couldn’t?

After about an hour of watching, Kouichi stood up again.

“Mom will probably be home by now,” he said.  “Could I borrow your phone again?”

“Of course.”  I handed him my phone and got up to turn the volume down on the TV so he could hear better.  This time he only had to wait a second before Mom picked up.

“Hi, Mom...we’re fine.  Yeah, I had fun at the zoo.  Did you find the food I cooked for you?”  He paused, and I saw his eyes darken a bit.  “Then go to sleep!  You need a lot of rest.  Besides, your next day off is the day after tomorrow.”

I mentally resolved myself to making sure she _took_ that day off instead of doing more overtime.

“I know,” Kouichi continued.  “I’ll see you tomorrow?  I love you, Mom.”

He hung up the phone.

“Is she all right?”  I asked.

“Yeah, just tired.  At least she didn’t sound sick this time.”

“Are _you_ all right?

Kouichi slumped back down on to my bed with his head on the blankets.

“I wish this was over,” he mumbled softly.

I gently sat down next to him again, putting a hand on his trembling shoulders.  For a minute, neither of us spoke.

“I suppose it could be worse,” he finally said.  “At least _you’re_ here.  I don’t know what would have happened if you hadn’t met us.”

If I hadn’t met them, I thought, then Mom would likely be even sicker due to overworking herself, if not in a hospital herself.  Kouichi would be drowning in his stress and frustration, watching his life crumble and unable to do anything about it.  As if to confirm my thoughts, Kouichi sat up again.

“Thanks, Kouji.  I mean it.  You’re the probably the most stable person in my life at this point.”

“That’s a strange compliment.”

“It’s true though.  You’re like a rock...or a lighthouse.  A safe harbor from the storm.”

“Where’d you get _that_ from?  A book?”

He actually smirked at me. “A song, actually.”

“Whatever.”  I got up to turn the TV up again, and went back to my game.

As the night wore on, I discovered my brother was a pleasant companion to have watching while I played the game.  He didn’t ask too many questions about how the game was played, although I got the impression that he was absorbing everything he could about it from watching.  He didn't try to tell me how to play my game, either; something I had seen too many kids do the one time I'd tried an arcade.  As I was completing the dungeon, he started yawing.

“Tired, big brother?”

“Yeah.  I tend to shut down after a certain time.”  He yawned again.

“I guess it’s time for bed, then.  You brought your toothbrush, right?”

Kouichi’s answer more resembled a sleepy grunt than an affirmative.  Five minutes later, we were both in our pajamas when he started to head to the futon.

“You can have the bed tonight,” I told him.  “ _I'll_ take the futon.”

“But…”

“You’re the guest, right? ” I smirked at him.  “Besides, when’s the last time you got to sleep in a bed?”

“Two years ago.  Grandma took us on a hiking trip to Mount Fuji, and we stayed at a hotel on the way.”

“That long?  You’re way overdue then.”

His eyes widened, but he climbed into my bed as I turned out the lights.

“Kouji?”  His soft voice sounded very loud in the darkness.

“What?”

“Grandma…” His voice trailed off as if he couldn’t say anything else.  “She loves birds as much as I do, I wish she could have been there with us today.”

“She was, in spirit.  You were using her camera, remember?”

“I know.”  The worry and pain were clear in his voice.  “I’m just worried about her.”

“Look, big brother, she can still see the birds.  All you have to do is get those pictures printed out, then you can look at the birds with her.”

“It’s not the same.”

“So?  This is Grandma.  She’ll be happy to see the birds, especially if _you’re_ there with her.”

There was a pause.

“She’d be even happier if _both_ of us were there to look at the pictures with her,” he finally said.  “Mom, too.”

“You’re right,” I told him as I closed my eyes.  “Good night, big brother.”

“Good night, little brother.” I heard him chuckle back.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

As the weeks rolled by after the trip to the zoo, it was becoming increasingly obvious that my grandmother’s illness was taking a toll on her.  She was becoming increasingly lethargic, tired easier with every passing day, and more often than not Kouichi and I arrived at the hospital to find her asleep.  It didn’t help Mom.  She too was tiring easier, but that was at least as much due to the physical stress of overworking as the emotional one.  I had to talk her out of taking overtime shifts several times, sometimes being a lot harsher than I wanted to, so that she could get some rest.

Kouichi might not have to deal with overworking himself, but Grandma’s illness was still affecting him.  The Kimuras were a tightly knit family, and any upset to the balance in my brother’s life sent him reeling.  His worries over Mom and Grandma kept him up at night, and he was always tired in the mornings after.  One day about three weeks after the zoo trip I walked into Grandma’s hospital room to find Kouichi slumped over Grandma’s bed, both of them asleep.  There was little I could do beyond picking up a spare blanket and putting it on my sleeping brother’s shoulders.

That was the worst part; I couldn’t do anything for any of them aside from making sure Mom and Kouichi got enough to eat and that they took time to rest.  Something that got even harder once the vacation ended and school started, giving us all a lot less time to do anything.

“I know it’s frustrating,” Satomi said one afternoon as I helped her make a pie for them.  “You’re doing the best you can.”

“It’s not enough,” I growled, carefully cutting up an apple.

“Oh?  Just think about how much worse off your mother and Kouichi would be if you weren’t there.”

I snorted.  “If I wasn’t there, Mom would probably be in the hospital from overworking.”

Satomi took the cut apple from me.

“ _Exactly!_ It isn’t anyone’s fault things happened like this, so stop beating yourself up over it.  Look, there are things you can do to take their minds off everything.  I know your mother is too busy, but you could try taking Kouichi out to a movie or something.”

“He’s not much of a movie person.”  Too bad there wasn’t a aviary around, maybe I could persuade him to come back to the zoo or something?

“No one said he _had_ to be.  Maybe you could arrange an outing with some of his friends, just to do what he likes.  That will make him happy, and you can meet his friends.”

I was about to tell her that he didn’t have many friends and that his idea of happiness involved reading a book, but then I remembered Nakamura from my Aikido class telling me that he wanted to get to know Kouichi better.  Maybe instead of me meeting some of his friends, he could meet some of the other Aikido students instead?

“ _Eh?_ ”  Kouichi stared at me in shock.  “You want me to go to your Aikido class?”

“Not to participate, just to watch,” I told him as we exited the elevator to Grandma’s room.  “My teacher says it’s all right for family members and friends to watch as long as they don’t interfere.”

“But, why do you want me to go?  I mean...no offense, but I’m not a big fan of martial arts.”

“Because I thought you might want to see what it’s like.”  I knocked on Grandma’s door, then opened it and went in.

“Yeah, but…” Kouichi was clearly struggling to put his thoughts into words politely.  “I’m sorry Kouji, I’m just not interested.”

“Not interested in what?”  Grandma asked.  I knew she hadn't been doing so well lately, but it was still a shock to hear how listless she sounded, like the effort of talking was a heavy burden.

“I’m trying to get him to watch my Aikido class tomorrow.  I thought he might like it.”

“That sounds like it could be fun,” she remarked.

“I’m not really interested in martial arts,” Kouichi objected.  “Besides, I want to stay here with you.”

“Kouichi, I’ve been telling you you need to get out more often.  You haven’t been anywhere besides here, school, home, or the library since the trip to the zoo.”

“I know, but…”

“You’re not interested, I know.  Think about it this way, sweetie:  Kouji’s been to the library with you so many times, now I think it’s time you saw some of the things he does.”

“But I _did_ …”

“You saw the outside of the studio,” I pointed out.  “That’s not the same as walking in.”

He glared at me.

“Go watch his class tomorrow,” Grandma said.  “You might enjoy it.”

Kouichi, no doubt realizing he was outvoted, sighed in exasperation.

“Okay, _fine_.  But as soon as we’re done I’m going straight home.”

The next day I went straight from school to Aikido class.  Since Kouichi’s school got out a bit before mine, I wasn’t surprised to see him waiting outside the studio with his hat on and a book in hand.  I was however surprised to see my fellow students Shin Nakamura and Rei Uehara also sitting on the bench and talking to him.  Even _more_ surprising was that Kouichi was talking back, even if he was using monosyllables.

I stood behind a nearby telphone pole and watched them for a moment, feeling the slight prick of jealousy again.  _He_ made friends without even trying to, and yet it was obvious that he didn't _want_ to be there.  He was, I realized, only there in the first place because I had asked him to.  Would he change his mind if I were there with him?  Knowing Kouichi, he'd probably bury himself in the book again...or would he?  I'd noticed over the months that I had known my brother that he listened to what other people said, even when he appeared to be reading.

Well, there was one way to find out.  I stepped out from behind the pole.

“Hey,” I said.  Kouichi waved a hand in response, still buried in his book.

"Minamoto!"  Nakamura got off of the bench so I could sit there.  I nodded a thanks.

“How long have you been waiting?”  I asked Kouichi.

“Not too long.”  He closed the book, but as he did, I noticed the dark circles under his eyes.

“Oh, for...big brother, did you get _any_ sleep last night?”

“Yeah, I got some.  I’m just worried about Grandma, _okay?_ ”

I glared at him.  This was the exact reason why I was doing this, because he had been through so much in the last few months that he deserved a little happiness.

Nakamura cleared his throat awkwardly.  "We were just talking about you two...being brothers, I mean. I've got a older sister at home, and Rei's stuck between two brothers, so Kimura wanted to know what it was like having siblings."

I blinked.  Kouichi had accepted me into his life, barring one or two small incidents, so well that I'd somehow thought he was used to me being there.  Why had I thought that?  Was it because he was so good at hiding his emotions?  No, it didn't matter.

“Let’s go,” I sighed.  “I don’t want to be late.”

Kouichi reluctantly got up, pausing only to put his book back.

“You should probably take that hat off,” I continued as we all headed up the steps.  “The teacher’s got a strict no-hats rule, even if you’re just watching.”

Now it was _his_ turn to glare at _me_ as he reluctantly took the hat off again.

“That’s a stupid rule,” he muttered.  I don’t think he meant it to be heard, but I responded nonetheless.

“It’s her studio, and she doesn’t like it when people deliberately hide their eyes.  She thinks it’s dishonest.  Besides, it’s only for an hour.”

Kouichi’s expression told me his exact opinion of the whole trip, but he didn’t object further.

When we got inside, I saw the rest of the fifteen boys and three girls who formed the class were already lined up in the hallway, no doubt waiting for Miss Fujimori to arrive.  Naturally, it didn't take them too long to notice the newcomer.

"Minamoto, who's this?"  Kadota, one of the girls, was eyeing Kouichi in a way that made him blush.  She hadn't stuck around long enough to see him the other time, but some of the others had.

“Wait, he’s that boy who was here a few weeks ago,” someone said.  "Spill it, Minamoto.  Who is this?"

I hid an irritable scowl at the question.  I wanted to show Kouichi my classmates...wasn't this why I was doing this in the first place?  They didn't have to be so _nosy_ about it, though.

"This is Kouichi Kimura, he's my twin brother."

“ _Eh?_ ”  “ _Brother?_ ”  The other students had overheard the introduction and craned their necks around to look at Kouichi.

“Why didn’t you _tell_ us you had a brother?”  Someone else asked me.  Then in the space of about ten seconds, they started to crowd around us again.

“Hey! Everyone back off!”  Nakamura somehow made himself heard above the noise.  “We don’t all have to meet Kimura at once.”

The other kids paused a bit, then the arrival of Miss Fujimori gave a bigger reprieve.

“Okay, what’s going on here?”

“I brought my brother here, Sensei.”  I used the title respectfully.  “I wanted him to see what Aikido is like.”

Her eyebrows shot up, no doubt surprised that I suddenly _had_ a brother.  “Hmm.  The usual rules, then.  He sits quietly and observes, the rest of you leave him alone until after class.”

“Yes, Sensei.”  I grinned at Kouichi, who shrugged a bit reluctantly.

Class went on as it always did.  When I had the time for it, I glanced at Kouichi.  He seemed to be...not enjoying it _per sé_ , but he wasn’t buried in a book.  Maybe this hadn’t been such a good idea after all.

The instant Miss Fujimori dismissed us, I walked over to where he was sitting.

“It won’t be too much longer, I just have to take a shower.”

“That’s okay,” he said pulling out the book he’d been reading earlier.  “I can handle it.”

I stifled the urge to roll my eyes.  If he wasn’t being polite, I suspected he would have read right through the class.  Still, he wasn’t bored.  I headed off to the showers.

Ten minutes later, I put my bandanna back on and walked back into the studio only to see Nakamura sitting in the observation seats next to Kouichi, talking to him again.  What was going on?  I frowned and increased my pace.

“...Like to get to know both of you better,” Nakamura was saying.  “I mean, nothing personal against Minamoto, but he hardly ever spoke to us before.  He used to be less social than a brick wall, and now he’s borrowing video games and movies.  He’s really changing.”

Kouichi’s eyes flicked up to mine, and a sweet smile crossed his face as he buried it back in the book.

“Yeah he is.”

“So, you like books, Kimura?  Maybe you could teach Rei some things about reading.  He likes reading manga, but that’s pretty much it.”

“I don’t know how I do it,” Kouichi mumbled, “I just do.”

“He won a prize for reading the most books in his school,” I remarked.  Nakamura, realizing I was there, jumped.  Kouichi on the other hand blushed.

“You didn’t have to tell him _that_ ,” he protested.  I smirked at him.

“Why shouldn’t I?  It’s something to be proud of, big brother.”

“Minamoto, when did you…” Nakamura trailed off as his face paled.

“You’re right, I was less social than a brick wall.”  I sat down on my brother’s other side.  “Most of the things I’ve changed I’ve done for Kouichi’s sake, and...I’m still learning how to be a brother.”

“So am I,” Kouichi replied.  “So, you ready to go home?”

“Yeah.  Nakamura, I’ll see you at school.”  I stood up.

“Hey,” Nakamura said.  “I was wondering, would you two like to get together with me and Rei sometime after school?  Y’know, just hang out, watch a movie or something?  Maybe I can talk some of the others into joining us.”

I wanted to refuse.  I wanted to tell him that I didn’t _want_ to hang out with him and his friends, but then I saw Kouichi.  Grandma was right, he hadn’t been anywhere besides his apartment, the hospital or the library in over a month, nor would he unless someone pushed him out of his comfort zone.  _“I’m not very good with strangers,”_ he had told me. But, Nakamura wanted to get to know him better, wanted to know _both_ of us better…

“Sure,” I said.  “I think we _both_ need to get out more.  Right, Kouichi?”

He glared at me.

“ _We?_ ”

“You need something good to happen to you, big brother.  Even if it’s not what you want, you still need it.”

The glare softened a little.  Nakamura looked from me to Kouichi.

“I take that as a yes, then?”

Kouichi sighed. “Yeah.”

Several days after that, I was in the process of getting out of school when Kouichi called me on my cell phone.

“Mom’s got another fever,” he said.  “She was feeling bad enough that I actually got her to stay home for once, but I need to run some errands.  Could you come here instead of the hospital and stay with her while I’m gone?”

“You’re making me sound like a babysitter,” I said half-jokingly.

“Would you believe she _still_ wants to work?  I swear, sometimes it feels like we’re the responsible adults here.”

“That bad?”

“Yeah.”  What sounded suspiciously like a yawn followed, and I suspected that he hadn’t slept much again.

Kouichi indeed had dark circles under his eyes, a symbol of his fight for normalcy.  I scowled at him pointedly as he opened the door for me.

“You really should get some sleep, big brother.”

“I know.”  He paused to rub his eyes.  “Mom wasn’t feeling so good last night, either.  I’ll go right to sleep when I get back, but Mom didn’t get a chance to go shopping for food, so I need to do that for her.  I’ll be back in about an hour.”

“Right.”

Mom was lying down on the couch, either asleep or dozing.  Her face was paler than usual, and a damp cloth rested on her forehead.  A chair sat next to the couch with a book lying on it, and I suspected that that was where Kouichi had been sitting.  Mom’s eyes fluttered open as I sat down.

“Oh, Kouji!  I didn’t hear you come in.  Where’d Kouichi go?”

“Big brother went to get some food,” I said.  “He asked me to stay with you while he was gone.”

“That sweet boy…” Mom struggled to sit up.  “You don’t have to do this, Kouji.  I’m feeling much better now, and they need me at work…”

“Don’t even _think_ about it,” I growled.  “You need to rest!”

“But, we need the money!  Your grandmother is…” She broke off with a gasp, as if she had said something forbidden.

“You won’t do any of us much good if you fall over on the way there,” I pointed out ruthlessly.  “You’re barely sitting up, how do you think you’re going to get there if you can’t even stand?”

Mom gave me a bitter grin.

“You’re just like your father, you know that?  Always convinced that he knew the best for the family...he didn’t know me, and neither do _you!_   You’re heartless.”

“So _what?_ Maybe I don’t know you, but if you kill yourself from overworking I’ll never get the chance.  I care for you, Mom, and I know that Dad still does, in his own way.”  I paused to gently push her back down, then replace the damp cloth back on her forehead.  “I’m heartless, but Kouichi is the sweet one.  We balance each other out.”

“Yin and yang,” Mom murmured, then flinched.

“Mom?”

“I’m just a bit dizzy.”  She made no further move to get up, and for a moment was silent.

“Kouji, tell me something.  When you thought I was dead, how did you deal with it?”

I looked at her in surprise.  What kind of question was _that?_

“I always regretted the fact that I never knew you,” I answered reluctantly.  “It was especially painful to see the other kids with their mothers at school.”

“It hurt, then?”

“Not as bad as it would have if I’d remembered you.  It was a hollow ache, an emptiness that nothing could fill, and I resented anyone who tried.”

“No, nothing can replace a mother,” Mom said sadly.  I gave her a sharp look.

“What’s going on?”

“Nothing.”  The sad smile on her face seemed forced somehow.  “I was just curious.”

She was so much like Kouichi sometimes.  Trying to hide the pain by denying it…

“It’s Grandma, isn’t it?  She’s not going to last much longer.”  The three months the doctors had given her at her diagnosis weren't quite up, but the date wasn't _too_ far off.

Mom’s smile looked strained to the point of cracking.

“Kouji, how can you say that?  She’s a fighter…”

“Mom, I’m not stupid.  She’s been declining the last few weeks...I can see it, _Kouichi_ can see it.  She’s dying, isn’t she?”

Mom’s lower lip quivered, but she didn’t respond.

“How much more time are they giving her?”  I asked in a gentler voice.

“A week, at most.”  Mom’s voice cracked.  “Her organs are shutting down…”

She broke off, trying to regain control, and I gently placed a hand on her shoulder.

“I haven’t told Kouichi yet,” she finally said.  “He’s already having a bad time, he’ll be heartbroken.”

“You have to tell him at some point,” I told her.  “He already knows she’s going, although he hasn’t said it in so many words.”

Mom looked up at me.  “She’s been there for me for so long. My father-your grandfather Satoshi-died just after I started dating your father.  We were heartbroken, but Mom kept us going.  Even during the divorce, Mom was there for me to cry on her shoulder.  When I had to take more jobs for the money, she was there to watch Kouichi and to make food so I didn’t have to worry about it…”

“And when she got sick, you were there working as hard as you could to pay her bills,” I finished.  “You’re there for her, Kouichi too.  She knows that.”

She didn’t say anything, but the desperation in her eyes reminded me entirely too much of my brother.  I moved off the chair so that I was sitting on the couch next to her.

“Look, I’m not the one to talk to about this kind of thing...but I know you shouldn’t keep all your pain and sadness bottled up inside of you.  You should tell her how you feel before…” I couldn’t say the last two words, but it didn’t matter.  Mom’s shoulders started shaking, and the tears ran down her pale cheeks.  I hesitated.  I had meant to comfort her with those words, not make her cry.  What was I supposed to say _now?_

“Mom?”  Where was Kouichi when we both needed him?  He was much better at the whole comforting thing than I was, and he knew Mom far better than I did.

“I’m not ready for this,” she said through a sob.  “I can’t lose her, not yet!  Why did this have to happen?”

I pulled her head onto my lap and gently held her close, mentally reminding my nerves that she wasn’t a stranger, she was my _mother_.  She was also exhausted and sick, and after a few minutes the sobs died down as she fell asleep.  I probably could have moved without disturbing her, but I didn’t want to take the chance, so I stayed where I was. 

We were still like that when Kouichi came back with bundles of shopping bags in his arms.  His eyes widened when he saw Mom and myself on the couch.

“She’s asleep?”  He asked in a soft voice.  I nodded.

Kouichi sighed and put his bags down.  “Good, she needs it.  I’m surprised she was awake that long.”

“So am I...you were right, she’s very stubborn.”

He crossed the room and knelt down by Mom’s head, pausing to gently trace the tracks of her tears.

“Let me guess, Grandma?”

“Yeah…” Should I tell him?  Or was that Mom’s news to tell him?  But, given the fact that it was _Mom_ and how upset the news made her, I wouldn’t be surprised if she put it off until the last minute.  In the end I decided to tell him.

“Big brother, about Grandma, she…” I hesitated.  “She’s not..."

“I know, I ran into her nurse Ayako when I went to the bathroom the other day.”  He turned to lean back against the couch with his back touching my leg.  “She told me everything.”

“Why didn’t you _tell_ me?”

“For the same reason Mom didn’t tell either of _us._ Things are bad enough that I didn’t want to make it worse by telling you.”

“Kouichi…”

“I knew...I had a feeling she wouldn’t come home since her diagnosis came in.  That was why I couldn’t stay there, because I didn’t want her to see how scared I was.”

I reached over to put a hand on his shoulder.

“It’s not going to be easy, is it?”  His voice trembled slightly.

“No.”  I flinched at the bluntness of my words.  Was there anything I could do to make it all easier?

Kouichi didn’t respond, but I felt his shoulders shaking.  After a moment or two I slid Mom’s head out of my lap and sat down beside him, putting an arm around his shoulders and pulling him to me.  He didn’t say anything, but I felt the tears dripping through my jacket.

“Big brother…” I felt an agonizing wave of helplessness coursing through me.  After all this pain, all the overtime hours Mom spent working to pay the hospital bills, all the tests Grandma had to endure, all the time that Kouichi and I spent by her side, why did she have to die?  It wasn't _fair!_

“Kouji,” My brother’s voice was roughened by the tears still dripping from his eyes as he looked up at me.  “Are you okay?”

“I can’t do anything to help any of you,” the frustration in my voice made it louder than I’d intended.  “All I can do is _sit_ there and _watch_ while you and Mom and Grandma all fall apart, and I...”

A gentle hand reached up to my lips, cutting me off.

“You’ll wake up Mom.”

“Sorry,” I mumbled around his hand.

“No, it’s okay.  Why don’t we go to the stairs out back?  Then you can yell as much as you want since nobody comes that way.  C’mon.”

“But, Mom…” I began.

“She’s fine, it’s not like we’re going far.”

I reluctantly followed Kouichi out of the apartment and down the path to the stairs where he liked to hide.  He walked underneath the stairs, and sat down on the ground.

“Okay, now you can vent.”

“I’m frustrated because I can’t do anything to help you,” I leaned on a supporting pillar.  “I mean, I want to make you three happy, but every time I do it seems something else happens and things get _worse._ ”

I realized my voice was getting louder, but there wasn’t anyone to hear but Kouichi, so I didn’t bother to keep it down.

“Now all I can do is watch you three fall apart, and _there’s nothing I can do about it!_ ”  I yelled.

“What makes you so sure you _can’t_ do anything about it?”  My brother’s soft voice somehow sounded even louder in the silence that followed.

“I told you, because every time I try something worse always comes up.”

“Yes, and you haven’t stopped being there for us, even when I blow up at you.  You’re there when we need you.  You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself for everything that’s happened...it’s bad enough that Mom and I are doing it, too.”

I stared at him. Come to think of it, I _was_ acting like Mom and Kouichi.

“Big brother, I…”

“You just needed a chance to vent.”  He wiped the drying tears off his face.  “I understand, I’m the same way.  Grandma says I need to express my feelings more, and I think it's like that time before the finals, when you made me so mad I blew up at you..."

What was it she had said?  That he stored his negative feelings inside him so much that unless he somehow wound down, he went 'pop' and took it out on someone?  But, I wasn't like that, was I?

"...But, I felt better afterwards, and I thought you might have the same problem," he continued.  "Mom says I'm good at listening to people. Are you feeling better?”

Now that I thought about it, I actually _was_ feeling better in a weird sort of way.

“Yeah, I...thanks.”

He actually smiled at me as he started back in the direction of his apartment.

“Good, now I need to make dinner before Mom wakes up."

"What are you making?"

"Sashimi, Mom's favorite food.  She deserves it."

"I think we all deserve it," I said.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um, sorry about taking so long on this. Combination of real life college, getting a second job, and natural procrastination. I'll try uploading the final chapter tonight, so it'll be over soon. The last two chapters were kind of written in a rush, so they might not have the same flow.

Chapter 13

The two days after I found out that my grandmother had less than a week to live passed very slowly. Grandma seemed to be asleep whenever I went to visit her, so I wound up going to Mom's apartment to spend time with her and Kouichi.  The third day I came in to find her awake, with Kouichi, as always, at her side holding one of her hands.  His hat rested on the bed next to him.

“Kouji!”   Grandma’s grin was weak.  I knew she wouldn’t be with us much longer, but it still took me by surprise how listless she was compared to when I had first met her.  As I got closer I could see the toll her illness was taking not only on her, but on my brother.  I could see the buried sadness, pain, and fear in his eyes.  I wanted to tell them both that it would be okay, but I knew it wouldn’t.  
“Hey, Grandma,” I said instead.  “How are you doing?”

She gave a faint snort.  “Aside from dying?  I wish I could get it over with and spare all of you the pain of watching it.”

Kouichi’s face paled, and he gripped Grandma’s hand tighter.  She reached over with her other hand and patted his.

“Sweetie, don’t worry, I’m not leaving you yet.  I’ll fight it as long as I can.  I just hate causing all of you pain…”

Her voice trailed off as I pulled up a chair on her other side and sat down, as if she was too tired to go on any farther.  I took her other hand in mine, and she squeezed it gently.

“But I’m glad I lived long enough to see you again, Kouji.  I had thought about telling Kouichi about you every time I was in the hospital.  In fact, if you hadn’t found us, I might be telling Kouichi right now!”

I thought about Kouichi finding out about me in addition to all of his other troubles.  Dealing with Grandma’s death, his resentment against me for seemingly having a better life, his worries over Mom…

“I’m glad things worked out this way,” Kouichi said, echoing my thoughts.  “I mean, if he hadn’t found us, then we would have been even worse off.  He’s better at getting Mom to take a break than I am.”

Grandma smiled up at him.  “You’re a good brother, Kouichi.  Now, I’m not sure when I’ll be able to talk to you two next, so I’ll say it now.  I want you to take care of your mother, and each other.  Don’t waste away from grieving, and _don’t_ hold it inside of you until you pop.”

She pointed at Kouichi.  “That especially goes for you, sweetie.”

“I’ll try,” he mumbled softly.

She let her hand fall back into his and was silent, as if the mere effort of talking drained her.  It wasn’t _fair_!  Why did it have to happen to Grandma, right as I was getting to know her…

“Kouji?”  Kouichi was looking at me with a combination of sorrow and empathy.  “Are you okay?”

“There’s not enough time.”  I felt my voice shaking.  “I was only just beginning to know her.  Why does it have to happen now?”

He leaned over to take my free hand in his and gently squeeze it before letting go.

“Nobody can really explain it,” Grandma smiled up at me.  “We can only prepare ourselves for it.”

“That doesn’t make it any less hard for us,” Kouichi said.

“I’m so proud of you two,” Grandma continued.  “Your mother too, but I already told her that.  I just wish your grandfather Satoshi had lived to see you...he’d be even prouder!”

Her voice trailed off again, and this time her eyes closed and her breathing steadied as she fell asleep. Kouichi gently tugged her blanket around her before picking up his hat and turning to me, his shoulders shaking and tears in his eyes.

“Let’s go,” he said. “I don’t want to wake her up.”

He made it as far as outside her room before slumping against the wall, his body wracked by sobs. I quickly shut the door behind me, then went to hold him.

“I don’t _want_ her to die,” he gasped in between sobs. “Wh-why does this ha-have to happen? Why c-c-can’t we all just _live_ and be happy? I know sh-she’s old, but…” The rest was cut off by a small wail as he leaned on me. I just kept holding him.

It was the only thing I could do for him.

Grandma was asleep the next day, so Kouichi and I couldn't talk to her. Then that night Mom called me after I had arrived at home from her apartment, and told me Grandma had been moved to intensive care, and could no longer take visitors.  So the next day with a heavy heart I went directly to Mom’s apartment after school instead of the hospital for the first time in months.

Given everything that had been happening, I half expected Kouichi to be at his hiding spot rather than at home. Instead he opened the door when I knocked. He looked worse than usual, the dark circles more prominent around his reddened eyes, and tear marks running down his face.

“You look terrible,” I said pointedly. “When’s the last time you slept?”

He glared at me before leaving the door and going to the couch.

“I can’t sleep. Every time I try I think about Grandma…” His voice faltered. “I just can’t get to sleep.”

“Big brother…” I felt nothing but frustration at not being able to help him. All I could do was watch as my mother and brother-my _family_ -suffered.  Some of my frustration must have showed on my face, because I realized that Kouichi was staring at me.

“Are you all right, Kouji?”

“I’m fine,” I lied. “Just frustrated, that’s all.”

“I _told_ you, you shouldn’t blame yourself. These things…” he flinched. “They hurt, but they happen. It’s not your fault we’re falling apart because of Grandma. In fact, we’re better off _because_ you’re here with us.”

“I know.” It was one thing to hear him say that, or to tell myself that, but I couldn’t tell him that there was a part of me that would never be convinced that I was doing enough. I briefly wondered if that part of me was Mom’s genes, since both she and Kouichi seemed to act that way a lot. I decided to change the subject, since the topic was getting a bit too uncomfortable.

“Nakamura from my Aikido class called, he said it was okay if we rescheduled the movie.”

With Grandma in such a grave condition, watching a movie was probably not a good idea. Fortunately, Nakamura had been sympathetic and it had in fact been his idea that we watch the movie another day.

“Did he? That’s good.” Kouichi yawned. “Tell him I said ‘thank you’ the next time you see him.”

“You really should get some sleep, big brother.”

“I _know_.” The words came out harshly, probably harsher than he expected, for his eyes widened and he looked down. “Sorry Kouji, I’d love to get some sleep, but I just can’t. I appreciate that you’re looking out for me and all, but you aren’t my mother. So please, just _back off_.”

“Not happening, big brother. You need your sleep.”

He glared daggers at me, his clenched fists shaking as he struggled with the impulse to explode at me and for a moment I thought he actually _was_ going to explode at me again. Instead he got off the couch and stomped out the front door, no doubt to his hiding place. I sat where I was, wondering how my brother could be so _stubborn_. He needed his rest, didn’t he? I didn't want him to end up like Mom, and besides Mom usually caved in if I was persistent enough...so what if I sounded like a bossy tyrant? Kouichi needed to sleep.

No, I really _was_ a bossy tyrant, wasn’t I? I sighed and leaned back on the couch. This was one of those situations Dad had talked about, wasn’t it? Neither of us was right, neither of us were wrong. I had to go apologize to him, maybe do something to make it up to him. My eyes fell on a deck of cards we had been playing with the other night. He had enjoyed it enough that I’d felt guilty about having to stop playing and go home

_Perfect._

Kouichi was huddled in his hiding space, his back to me as I entered the cramped space.

“Big brother…”

“Go _away!"_

I flinched at the unusually caustic tone in his voice, then took a deep breath. Kouichi was upset now, but he wouldn't hold anything against me.

“You were right; I shouldn’t have pushed you like that.”

He turned to look at me, bewilderment written on his face.

“Huh?”

“You were right, I’m _not_ Mom and I was wrong to give you orders like that. I’m sorry I acted all bossy like that…”

_But you really need it,_ a voice inside me whispered. I ignored it.

“…And I’m not sure how I can make it up to you,” I held up the cards. “But at least I can try.”

His sweet smile, in spite of his exhaustion, somehow made everything feel _right_ again.

The end came later that night; the phone ringing woke me up around midnight.  I was just groggily wondering who would call at that time of night when I woke up enough to remember that Mom wouldn’t call that late unless it was an emergency.  I quickly got up, almost tripping over a sleeping Raiko in the hall on the way to the phone.

“Kouji!”  Mom’s voice sounded drained, almost hollow.  “The doctors are saying your grandmother won’t make it to morning.  I don’t know if you can get here at this time, but…”

“I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“Thank you, Kouji.”  Mom’s voice choked on a soft sob.  “You have no idea how much this means to me.”

I hung up the phone and turned to see Dad and Satomi standing not too far away.

“It’s her time?”  Dad asked gently.

“They need me there.”  How late did the trains run?  I couldn’t remember.  I had to get dressed…

“I’ll give you a ride,” Dad said as he turned and headed for the bedroom he and Satomi shared.  “I don’t think the trains run after midnight, and even if they did I’m not letting my son take one of them alone this late.”

I wanted to argue with him.  After all, this wasn’t any of his business, but I needed to be there as soon as possible.  I almost ran back to my room to throw on a shirt and pants, not bothering with the bandanna.  I scrambled down the stairs to see Satomi standing by the door with a wrapped-up food box in her hands.

“Here,” she handed me the box.  “I made these for Kouichi and your mother this morning, but I forgot to give them to you.  It’s not much, but I think they'll appreciate it.”

“Thanks.”  I took the box as Dad came down the stairs.

“You ready, Kouji?”

“Yeah.”

“All right,” he turned to Satomi.  “I’ve got my phone if you need me.  I think once I get there I’ll call work and leave a message that I’m taking a personal day off.”

“Let’s go,” I said.

The empty, sterile halls of the hospital reflected a hopeless atmosphere.  The small waiting area outside of the operating room was even worse, if possible.  Mom was pacing back and forth between one end of the space and the other, while Kouichi slumped on a nearby bench, a discarded book at his side.  He didn’t look up as Dad and I entered, but I could see his eyes dulled by exhaustion, and the slight increase in the dark circles under them.  Mom was even worse, if that was possible.  She moved with a kind of nervous energy which suggested that the only thing keeping her upright, let alone moving, was a combination of worry and caffeine.

“Kouji!”  Mom stopped pacing and came over to hug me.  I clenched my teeth slightly as my body tensed up, but didn’t pull away.  I could see Dad walking over to where Kouichi was and sitting down next to him.

“What’s going on?”  I asked bluntly.

“She fell into a coma just after you left after dinner.  The doctors are trying to save her, but they say it’s most likely impossible.”  Mom shuddered against me, and I had to tell my body to relax even as I hugged her back.

“The doctors are saying that they’ll be surprised if she lives until sunrise.”  Mom’s voice had a hopeless tone to it, as if she had already given up.  It wasn’t _fair!_ Why did Grandma have to die?  Why did she have to leave us like this?

Mom stiffened suddenly in surprise as she released me, and I followed her gaze to see Dad and Kouichi still sitting on the bench, but now Dad had one arm around my brother, who was not only leaning on his shoulder but fast asleep.

“What did you do?”  Mom asked in a soft voice.

“Nothing.”  Dad’s response was just as quiet.  “He looked like he could use a shoulder to lean on, so I put my arm around him.  He fell asleep two seconds later.”

“He was exhausted.  No matter what I did, he said that he was all right and that Mom needed him.”

“You can get some sleep too; you look even worse than he does.”  Dad gently shifted Kouichi a little.  “Kouji and I can take care of things.”

Mom smiled wearily.  “Sorry Kousei.  I’m a bundle of nervous energy at this point.”

“You were like that when your father died, too. Remember?”

She actually laughed. “I remember. Mom said I was making her dizzy with all that pacing around.”

I sat down on the bench at the other side of the waiting area.  In spite of the situation, the sight of Kouichi sleeping like that was a sweet one.

“You know, I never told you about the last time I saw Satoshi.” Dad grinned. “It was about a week before he had the heart attack, and I was at your place doing homework. You and Aoi were out shopping, and Satoshi just came in and told me that he had something to tell me. So I looked at him, and he just grinned at me and said that when I graduated from college, he’d treat me to that fancy restaurant. You know, that one that Aoi said was so snooty that every time it rained, she thought the waiters would drown because they had their noses stuck up in the air so much?”

He paused.

“And after Satoshi was gone, I didn’t think much of it…After all, how could he treat me if he’d died? And two years later when I graduated, the day after Aoi showed up at my apartment. She says ‘I don’t know what that idiot was thinking, but just before he died Satoshi wanted to treat you to dinner at that snooty restaurant when you graduated. You want to change it and just do take-out sushi instead?’”

They both laughed at that. I didn’t find it that funny, so I shrugged instead.

“That sounds just like Mom,” Mom stopped her pacing. “She was always trying to save money for emergencies, but she was so sweet to Kouichi. Every time they went shopping, she would always buy him a little something…Candy, or a small toy. She was a better mother to him than I could ever be.”

“Don’t sell yourself short, Tomoko. You did a good job of raising him,” Dad said as Mom resumed pacing.  

“Thanks.”  She sat down on the bench not far from me.  “You did a good job with Kouji, too.”

“You actually think that?”  Dad’s laugh was somewhat bitter.  “I’m the one who lied and told everybody you were dead.  I only told Kouji that because he wouldn’t stop talking about you.  I...didn’t take it very well, and I snapped at him.  I was a horrible father back then.”

Mom looked down at her lap.  “You aren’t the only one.  Every time Kouichi would ask where you and Kouji were, my heart would break and I would tell him to stop asking.  One time about three weeks after he heard me crying and wanted to make me feel better by drawing us all together.  I was so angry that I had to leave the room to keep from exploding at him.”

“The first few years after a divorce are always the worst, aren’t they?”  Dad tightened his arm around Kouichi.

“Yeah, if it weren’t for Mom…”  Mom’s voice shook and I reached over to put a hand on her shoulder.

“I don’t know what I would have done,” she continued.  “She was the one who kept us all going.”

“You’re lucky you had someone like her all along,” Dad said.  “We were twisting in the wind for the first few years until I met Satomi.”

“Satomi?  She’s the woman you married, right?”

“Yeah,” I said.

“She’s the one who really started my life again,” Dad continued, then he saw the expression on Mom’s face.  “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”

“It’s not your fault,” Mom said sounding a lot like Kouichi.  “I’m just a bit jealous, that’s all.  Once I became a single mother, it became impossible to have a romantic life.  It was too hard to juggle my career and Kouichi to even think about dating someone.  Not that I didn’t date some guys from work at first, but it never went anywhere.”

“I think I was still hurting from the divorce,” Dad said.  “It was hard for me to date anyone, in fact there was only one woman I dated besides Satomi.  Do you remember Chieko, Kouji?”

Chieko?  I remembered someone by that name babysitting me early on, but I didn’t remember her personally, let alone dating my father.

“Not very well,” I said.

“That’s all right, we only dated three months before breaking up.  I don’t think you liked her very much.”

A couple of doctors walked past the waiting area, causing Mom to jump.  At first I thought it was because she was so nervous, but then I realized that part of it could have been because she was so worried about Grandma.  When you’re in the hospital, I’ve noticed that any sign of movement will make you jumpy.  Even if it’s for something as small as a routine checkup.

“You really should settle down, Tomoko,” Dad said.  “You’re making _me_ jumpy!”

“Well, _you’d_ be jumpy too if it was your mother,” Mom snapped back.

“I _know_ that.”  Now Dad was starting to sound snappish.  “Excuse me for trying to help!”

“Stop it!”  My voice, though not raised, cut through their arguing before it could escalate.  “You’ll wake up Kouichi.”  

My parents glared at each other, then Mom got up and resumed pacing.  For a long time, nobody said anything, and time somehow stretched into one very long moment.  Finally, Dad was the one who broke the silence.  He picked up Kouichi’s book and flipped through it.

“What kind of books does he like?”  He asked.  “I owe him some missed birthday presents.”

Mom stopped her pacing for a moment.

“He’ll read anything if he’s bored enough or curious.”  She smiled down at Kouichi’s sleeping form.  “I once caught him reading one of my romance novels when I accidentally left them out.”

Dad snorted with laughter.  “At least his education is diverse.”

“He especially likes fantasy books.  Sometimes science fiction, but he says fantasy is easier for him to follow.  He’s not fond of books with downer endings…”

“I don’t think too many people are,” Dad remarked.  “What books does he have?”

“He usually gets his books from the library, so you probably won’t have to worry if he already has the books.”

“That’s one thing.  What else does he like?  And what does he not like, for that matter?”

Mom frowned thoughtfully.  “He likes birds, but you already knew that.  He’s not very fond of crowds, and will usually slip away the first chance he can if things get too crowded.  That might be why he tends to avoid other kids.”

“He says he has trouble talking to strangers,” I said.  “I’ve been working on introducing him to some of the kids in my Aikido class, since they wanted to get to know him.”

Mom’s eyes widened.  “Really?  He hasn’t told me anything about that...probably trying to spare me from worrying, knowing him.”

She sat down next to me again.

“I feel so guilty about not being able to spend more time with him, because I’m too busy working.  Mom was always the one who did that; sometimes I feel like _she_ was his mother, not me.”

“She isn’t,” I said pointedly.  “He knows that.”

“I know, but I wish I were more involved in his life.  His teachers often told me that I needed to spend more time with him, that he was becoming a hermit…” she shook her head.  “I _want_ to be with him more, but I can’t take the time off from work to do it.”

“Why do you think we’re trying to get you a new job?”  I asked.  “We _both_ want you to be happy, Mom.  As much as you want us to be happy.”

She mustered up a faint smile.  “Thank you, Kouji.”

That was when I remembered the food Satomi had given me.  I picked up the box from where I had put it next to me and checked it.  It contained four pieces of tsukune, a kind of grilled chicken on a skewer.  Perfect.

“And speaking of being happy, Satomi packed some food for us to eat.  You haven’t eaten since dinner, have you?”

Not that she or Kouichi had eaten much for dinner, instead merely pushing it around on their plates.  I offered her the box of tsukune.

“I’m sorry Kouji, but I’m just not hungry.”

“I understand, but the last time I saw you eat a full meal was last _month._ ”

Mom stared at me for a moment, then burst out laughing.

“You sound just like your brother!”

“Yeah, so?  You need to eat, Mom.”

Mom picked a tsukune up out of the box.  “I swear, he keeps track of what I eat all the time...he encourages me to eat even more when he thinks I’m not getting enough.”

“You _are_ looking a bit thin, Tomoko,” Dad said.  “Kouichi, too.”

“That’s because neither of us have appetites lately.”  Mom stared down at the tsukune sadly.  “We’ve both been so worried about Mom that neither of us has can think about eating food.”

She reluctantly took a bite, then blinked.

“This is pretty good, maybe not as good as Mom’s, but still better than I thought it would be.”

“Well, she is a good cook,” I told her.  She nodded and took another bite.

“Is there any more?”  Dad asked.  “I’m getting a bit hungry myself.”

I got up to bring the box where he could reach it with the arm that wasn’t around Kouichi.  He took a tsukune, then looked down at my sleeping brother.

“I should wait until he wakes up to ask him if he wants one.”

Mom nodded in agreement.

“He needs the sleep,” she said.  “He’s probably as tired as I am.”

I wanted to tell her that she could sleep _now,_ but she would probably refuse.  Instead, I took one of the remaining pieces of tsukune out of the box and went back to where I had been sitting to start eating.

Time crept by at a snail’s pace.  Mom eventually started pacing again, and I found myself wishing I had brought something to do before I had left.  My eyes fell on to Kouichi’s book, which was lying where Dad had put it next to him.  Well, that was more entertaining than anything else I could think of.  I got up, crossed the waiting area and picked up the book.  It was, naturally, one of those fantasy books my brother liked so much.  Going by the description on the back, it wasn’t the first one in the series.

“It looks like Kouichi’s rubbing off on you,” Mom said teasingly.

“There isn’t anything else to do,” I said.  Fantasy wasn’t my cup of tea, but it was better than just sitting there.  I sat down on Dad’s other side, to avoid waking Kouichi, and opened the book.

“You said that you’ve been trying to introduce him to some of your friends?”  Mom asked.

“They aren’t really ‘friends,’ they’re some guys I know from Aikido class.  I’ve only got him to meet them twice so far.  We were supposed to go see a movie today, but with Grandma taking a turn for the worse, we decided not to go.  But he’s been making progress.  The first time he clammed up and didn’t say anything at all…”

Never mind that the first time I’d been trying to keep them away from him, for fear that it would lead to my father finding out that I knew about my brother.

“He at least talked to the others the last time, even though it was only a little.”

“Sounds like _you’re_ making progress, too,” Dad said.  “I can’t remember when the last time was that you talked to other kids.”

I glared at him.  “I’m not doing this for _me_ , I’m doing it for Kouichi.”

“ _Right_ , I understand.”  Dad smirked at me, and I scowled back, before going back to my brother’s book.

More time passed, and I found myself struggling to keep awake, leaning further and further into Dad’s other shoulder.  I was too tired to protest when he put his arm around me.

I wasn’t _quite_ asleep when a doctor exited the operating room and talked to Mom in a hushed tone.  I just wasn’t awake enough to notice her following him back inside.  It wasn’t until a few minutes later that I struggled out of my doze to realize she wasn’t there.

“Where’s Mom?”  I asked.

“She went into the operating room.”  Dad was frowning.  “I think something came up...”

He was cut off by the door opening as Mom staggered out of the room, her face ashen and tears dripping out of her eyes.

“Mom…?”

“It’s over.”

I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.  No, it couldn’t be over.  Not yet!  There was still time!  How could they lose her like that?  These so-called _professional_ doctors with all their high-tech gear, and yet they couldn’t stop a single infection!  A part of me reminded myself that I had seen this coming; Grandma _had_ been declining, and her age made it difficult to recover from something like that.  Hadn’t Mom said that the doctors said it was impossible to save her?

But that small part was completely overwhelmed by the rest of me, which screamed that there _had_ been a way to save her.

“You never gave me the chance to say ‘goodbye,’” I could barely recognize my own voice, and only distantly realized that I was on my feet again.  “You could have told me she was about to go, why didn’t you?”

“I didn’t want to disturb you,” Mom said in a faltering voice.  “You looked like you were nearly asleep, and I didn’t want to wake you up…”

“You _should_ have!”  I yelled, as the tears rolled down my cheeks.  “She was my _Grandmother_ ; you should have given me the chance to say ‘goodbye!’”

“Kouji, I’m sorry…”

“‘Sorry’ won’t bring Grandma back, will it?  And _you!"_   I pointed at Dad.  “I never even got to _know_ her thanks to you!”

“Kouji, th-that’s enough.”  Kouichi’s voice shook from his sobs, but the gentle hand that came down on my shoulder was firm.  “Sh-she wouldn’t have w-wanted us to…”

He stopped speaking, unable to get any more words out through his tears.

“She never gave me a chance to say ‘goodbye,’” I repeated in a softer voice as I felt my shoulders shaking. This time, I wasn’t talking about Mom.  “She just said that she was proud of us…she didn’t _want_ to say ‘goodbye’. I never told her how much I loved her…”

I barely felt the ground under me as I sank down to my knees, but the warmth of my mother and brother’s arms wrapping around me and supporting me in my grief made it easier to bear.

I realized as I put my arms around both of them that it did for them, too.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, here's the end. Again, sorry about the long wait.

Chapter 14

The first few weeks after my grandmother died were the hardest. The three of us, my mother, Kouichi, and I, all dealt with her passing in different ways. Mom for instance buried herself in working at her job in order to get over it quickly. I had to be particularly harsh with her to make sure she didn't overwork herself.

Kouichi also tried to bury his grief, not because he was trying to get over it, but in order to help Mom. That was what he said, anyway. I think that a part of him was regressing to the way he was before I met him in some kind of sub-conscious belief that things would somehow go back to the way before. He became withdrawn and quieter than usual those first few days, especially when I was there, and could usually be found in his hiding spot when he wasn't in school. I had to push him a lot, like with Mom, to express his emotions, and even though it resulted in the occasional argument he admitted that he was grateful for it afterwards.

Yet, the facade of living a normal life always vanished at night, when the distractions of the day faded out. I know it took Mom and Kouichi a long time to be able to sleep without crying.

"I wish I could just get over Grandma," Kouichi told me one afternoon two weeks later, as we sat in his hiding place. "I mean she said not to waste away from grieving, but all I can think of is what she would have thought about something, or how she would have liked something. Then I realize that she can't be, and it hurts me."

"You don't just 'get over her,'" I scowled across the space at him. "Satomi says that grief isn't like a storm passing, it's like breathing."

"I _know_ ," he snapped somewhat irritably, before recovering. "Who did she lose?"

"Her grandfather."

His eyes widened, before looking down.

"Satomi says you can talk to her about it any time," I continued.

"Thanks. I mean, tell her I said thanks."

"I will. Look at it this way, big brother. At least you knew her before she got sick. I would have liked to see what she was like before."

"She liked hiking, and birds. She was one of the most energetic people I ever knew." Kouichi took a deep shuddering breath. "When I was little, she would always take me to the duck pond to feed the birds, and then to the park where she would push me on the swing. When I got bigger, she would get on the swing next to mine, and..."

He couldn't get any further as he choked on a sob. I moved to the other side of the stairs to wrap my arm around him and pull him to me. He stiffened for a moment, then relaxed.

"I don't know how you do it, Kouji. You loved her like I did, but it's not hurting you the same way it does me."

"Probably because I never got a chance to really know her like you did." That part at least was true, my grief over Grandma's death was mostly spent on regrets. If our parents hadn't divorced, if Dad hadn't lied to me about Mom being dead, if I had stumbled arcoss those pictures earlier. I openly blamed Dad for everything, even if he wasn't entirely at fault. We had gotten into many fights since Grandma had died, and I had stormed off to Mom's place several times after them, asking if I could sleep over. Satomi had tried to tell me that I couldn't give Dad the cold shoulder forever, and that excessive anger over a death was as unhealthy as excessive grief, but I had politely told her to leave me alone.

"You're still blaming Dad?"

I looked down at the concerned blue eye that was peering out from my shoulder.

"So what if I am? He's the one who lied to me after all."

Kouichi pulled away from me. "Yes, and he's the one who brought you to the hospital at...at the end. Kouji, you can't just go blaming Dad for things that weren't his fault."

"But, they were."

"Did he make Grandma sick?"

"No..."

"Was it his fault Mom didn't get a better job?"

"No."

"Was it his fault Grandma," he stifled a sob. "That she was too old to recover from the treatment?"

"Kouichi!" I put my arm around him again, only for him to look me right in the eyes.

" _Was it his fault?_ "

I couldn't hold my eyes to that intense glare for more than a few seconds.

"No," I admitted.

"Then stop acting like it _is_!" He slumped back against the stair wall, still staring at me.

"I know you're searching for someone to blame in all this Kouji, and that he's the easiest target for it, but he's not a bad guy. He told me...back when we were at the zoo that he regretted every day that he lied to you, but he was too scared to deal with the fallout if he told you about us. He also said that he missed me every day, just like Mom missed you, and that he wants to spend more time with you. He misses you, Kouji."

"How could he miss me? I'm there all the time!"

" _You're_ the one who's been avoiding him, _you_ tell _me_."

I hesitated. I _had_ been avoiding him, not only after Grandma had died, not only after I had found out about my mother and brother, but even before that. When he had married Satomi. When he had pulled me away from my friends and moved away because he had been promoted.

"Kouji?" The eyes were no longer so intense, but the same warm and gentle concern that was normal for Kouichi. Would I have been like that if I had lived with Mom, instead of the frosty scowl and glares that were my normal?

"Kouji?" A hand waved in front of my eyes. "I...are you all right?"

"Yeah," I sighed. "Just thinking. You're right, big brother. I have been avoiding Dad a lot, and not everything is his fault."

His eyes widened, and he looked down with a sweet smile.

"In fact," I continued with a smirk. "You should come over to our place more often. Dad would be happy to see you again, and I bet Satomi would _love_ to teach you more about cooking."

The stunned expression on his face was so funny that I actually laughed for the first time since Grandma had died.

As the next few weeks passed, I found that Satomi was right when she said that the grieving process was more like breathing than something that passed easily. I was the least affected by Grandma's death, yet I found myself missing her presence just as much as Mom or Kouichi. Yet as the conversation Kouichi and I had that day proved, I wasn't the only one who wanted to help him or Mom. Satomi, in addition to offering advice, also gave me deserts she had made for them. My fellow Aikido students, mostly Nakamura and Uehara, but some of the others, offered to help both of us with our homework and while we were there invited us to Uehara's birthday party. If Kouichi weren't there, I would have refused, but I knew my brother needed more friends. Maybe I did, too.

Time passed, and two days before Dad and Satomi's anniversary, Mom finally got the phone call we had been hoping for: A new job. It was a bit farther away from her apartment than her old one, which meant more travel time, but it was fewer hours and had better pay than the old one. Kouichi and I both felt Mom deserved something special to celebrate, and since I was already heading to a local florist to get Satomi flowers for their anniversary, I suggested Mom might like some flowers.

"Is this it?" Kouichi looked at the flower shop in front of us.

"Yeah." I stuffed my hands in my pockets to make sure the money needed was still there. "What kind of flowers do you think I should get?"

He shrugged. "Maybe something to match your kitchen. I don't know Satomi as well as you do."

"True. What are _you_ getting?"

"Iris. Mom likes 'em, and Grandma used to have a painting of them when I was very young."

"What happened to it?"

"I accidentally knocked it down when I was trying to get something off of the fridge next to it, and broke the frame. The frame was attached to the painting so well that it ripped." His voice took a tone of regret. "Grandma was furious."

"I bet she was."

My phone went off just as I said that. For a moment, I wondered who would be sending me a message before remembering that I had given Nakamura from my Aikido class my number before that birthday party. I pulled out my phone to check it.

"Who's it from?" Kouichi tilted his head curiously.

"Nakamura." I folded up my phone. "He wants us to go see a movie with him and Uehara."

"Again?"

"Well, that new _One Piece_ movie is coming out soon." I shrugged. "You interested?"

"I never read _One Piece_."

"It's not too hard to get the gist of it. Besides, Nakamura and Uehara can explain it to you."

He smiled shyly. "Tell him I'm in."

"Okay." I grabbed my phone again, then looked up at Kouichi as he started laughing.

"What's so funny?"

The laughter faded, but the smile did not.

"You. I was just thinking of what you were like when we first met. You've come a long way from the anti-social kid who became my brother."

"So have _you_ , when I first met you you could barely say more than one full sentence at a time to me."

Kouichi blushed, then turned back to the shop again.

"We've both changed, haven't we? We're rubbing off on each other."

"Yeah," I smirked at him. "That's what brothers are supposed to do."

FIN

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I've been meaning to post something else up here, and this is one of my most popular fics on the other site I frequent. I think I might re-do the last two chapters since they were written in a rush to finish before I got too bogged down with schoolwork. This fic got started when someone's request for a fic where Kouji was the first to find everything else set off my inner muse.


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